I NEED HELP I AM SO LOST IN WHAT I AM

[habemil17]

Hello everyone, I am putting myself out there on this forum to get help. I am not sure if something is wrong with me or what. My birth certificate says I am male. But since the 8th grade I have always been and felt different from everyone else. I have always acted feminine and I have always loved bright colors and girls clothes. During my 8th grade year I started having these visions of me being a Beautiful girl with long straight light brown hair and the perfect body.

 

Ever since those visions started, my mind has never truly been at ease. I would always love to go to stores like Dicks Sporting Goods and see all the woman's shorts and tank tops and the tights. For some reason males clothing has never fit me correctly I have almost always had to buy woman's tights for the winter. Just for a reference I weigh about 130 pounds, skinny with hardly any body fat, and in my opinion ugly. Ever since these visions I saw everything a different way, for example my color spectrum was opened up to a whole new sets of colors, which is normally what woman can see, usually not males.

 

I have never in my entire life so far had a relationship with a girl. Because I am not interested in girls; because I see all of them as my friends, and second because I have recently in the past year been interested in guys. Like for example I am so into guys now that I have this scent where I can smell different guys and its like brain is telling me to smell more. It happened at my friends house the other day, he left his Letterman and I went up to it like I was attracted and I all the sudden wanted to like cuddle. I know I am already sounding weird but I hope I am not explaining too much. But anyway I have always felt like there is a female version of me inside. I can't even look at myself in the mirror, I look like someone who doesn't belong.

 

I just cannot take it anymore this has gotten to the point where is consumes my everyday life. I look at a pretty girl in just pure jealously, like I really want to be her. All I want to understand is was I supposed to be a girl before I was born but then the hormones got messed up and I turned out like I am? I just need someones guidance right now, my family is highly conservative and I had a phase in middle school where I tried to come out as a girl but my parents destroyed my confidence and my trust to them. I am 17 so I legally can't do anything until without my parents consent and I just can't take anymore of this hiding. Just please someone help me figure out what to do, I have no friends,family,school counselor, or therapist who I can truly trust at this point. Please Help!

[Carolyn Marie]

Hello, hon, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  You have picked a good place to come for support and  assistance and resources, and we will do everything we can to help you.

 

First, may I suggest you take a deep breath or two or three and try to relax.  Whatever will happen will happen in its own good time, and there is no reason to panic or think this is an emergency.  I know it seems like it is, but there is time to figure things out. 

 

This is a good forum for seeing what other people your age have felt and done and discovered.  The Male to Female Discussion Forum and the Transgender Issues forum may also be valuable to you.

 

So OK, you're 17, can't get a therapist, don't have supportive parents, and you're not sure about school counselors.  Is there a PFLAG group on campus or nearby?  Is there a Gay Pride or any other type of LGBT-friendly group on campus or nearby that you can check out?  If yes, great!  If no, then no so great.  But there are online teen LGBT support groups around the Web so you can at least talk to some folks around your age.  We also have an outstanding Chat Room right here!   You can find the registration for chat here: 

First, may I suggest you take a deep breath or two or three and try to relax.  Whatever will happen will happen in its own good time, and there is no reason to panic or think this is an emergency.  I know it seems like it is, but there is time to figure things out. 

 

This is a good forum for seeing what other people your age have felt and done and discovered.  The Male to Female Discussion Forum and the Transgender Issues forum may also be valuable to you.

 

So OK, you're 17, can't get a therapist, don't have supportive parents, and you're not sure about school counselors.  Is there a PFLAG group on campus or nearby?  Is there a Gay Pride or any other type of LGBT-friendly group on campus or nearby that you can check out?  If yes, great!  If no, then no so great.  But there are online teen LGBT support groups around the Web so you can at least talk to some folks around your age.  We also have an outstanding Chat Room right here!   You can find the registration for chat here: https://www.transgenderpulse.com/chat/

 

There are also some online resources that might help answer your questions.

 

http://www.transyouthequality.org/for-youth-1/

 

https://www.hrc.org/explore/topic/transgender-children-youth

 

https://www.hrc.org/explore/topic/transgender-children-youth

 

https://ok2bme.ca/resources/kids-teens/trans-resources/

 

I think that's enough for now.  It should keep you busy for a while.  Please keep asking questions, and we'll keep providing answers.  Just believe this:  you're going to be all right.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

 

[VickySGV]

My suggestion is to get yourself to a medical center where they can do an Endocrinology panel on you.  If your family is as conservative as you say there could be some Intersex Endocrinology problems that they and your family doctor have overlooked and thus how you say you look.  Emery University in Atlanta is one possibility.  It is also a top rate college to look at. You may have to wait a few months until you are 18 but it could be a thing to check into.   I an not saying you are IS but the term no longer refers to just those external genitalia do not look right.  You have some good ideas up above for the time being .

[jae bear]

 Hey Habemil,

 First I will say I understand, second I will say I felt exactly the same way at the same age, third it’s best you understand who you are now then enter the world of denial like so many of us have done, even though you’re anxious, being aware is a huge deal and you need to recognize your anxiety as the blessing of time that it is giving you.  The very best thing that I ever did for myself was to find a good gender therapist, and I am certain your parents no matter what their personal beliefes or proclivities are would be more than willing to allow you to have a therapist that would help you through tough times. When I was 17 I worked at RadioShack with a trans girl in 1987, what are the odds right? Initially I avoided her and she felt annoyed with me  but eventually I opened up to her and she explained how transition works and I was astounded that it was even possible since I had felt the way you do since I was four years old. I unfortunately entered the world of denial and did not seek help, but instead took some terrible Advice and charged forward with the plan to “cure” myself. I think it’s going to be very important for you to sit down with the therapist and look deeply into the reality of who you are, and if your parents want what’s best for you this will be the next thing to have happen in your in your life.  Please keep an open mind, please allow yourself to be honest with yourself, then find the courage to bring that honesty forward to others in your world as well, I have found that once I’ve done these two things that sharing my honesty with others becomes very easy, and unburdens me in ways I cannot describe. I understand how you feel about guys, I have always considered myself straight male until three weeks ago, then again 17  months of estrogen do start taking effect even upon one’s mind, only by allowing myself an open mind and some honesty have a been able to even fathom the idea of being honest with others, and this is allowed me a great deal of peace and acceptance of myself. Please don’t despair, you have an amazing life ahead of you, it is within your grasp and within your decisions even if right now you feel powerless .  I am sending all my positive energy in your direction, and everyone here  Will be there when you need them, you are going to find some wonderful people here on this forum just as I have. 

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

[habemil17]

Hello everyone who has responded thus far. Thank ya’ll for the helpful words, I really needed it. I will definitely try what you all said. Again thank you so much! Hope to hear more soon. :)

[Jani]

11 hours ago, habemil17 said:

Just for a reference I weigh about 130 pounds, skinny with hardly any body fat, and in my opinion ugly.

 

Hi Habemil17.  Please don't think of yourself as ugly!  Everyone is beautiful.

 

Jani

[jae bear]

Just now, Jani said:

 

Hi Habemil17.  Please don't think of yourself as ugly!  Everyone is beautiful.

 Oh my gosh I second this wholeheartedly ! Size has nothing to do with what kind of a person you are, beautiful in or out, be the person you are, even if you’re just a little slip of a thing... This is nothing to scoff at, and if you’re bigger and full of curves that’s great too...  size is nothing but a number, one that you don’t need to have to pay attention to if you choose not to. I just realized I have been on estrogen for 17 months now and while I had no curves whatsoever other than chubby rolls of male body fat  I was able to lose over 40 pounds so far that has revealed stored subcutaneous female curves.  We are focused so much on the standard commercial idea of beauty, but beauty as the old saying goes, is in the eye of the beholder, and there so many different kinds of beholders it makes no sense to worry about a small fraction of the rest that are only superficial enough to appreciate commercialized beauty. Many would see your size as a huge advantage, not having to start from a much bigger frame and lose weight the way girls like me have to,  that and factor in your age, so many of us here would kill to go back and be right where you are now, personally I am super jealous!   Things are gonna work out OK, just take a few deep breath‘s and understand life is a journey, you don’t want to sprint, you want to stroll, enjoy the passing seasons and smell the flowers. I have a feeling your 20s are going to be the stuff of legends!

 Hugs, 

Jackie