Purged

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Long story short, my wife and I got into it and I purged. She has been standing in the way of 3D counseling and I've had it...screw it...I was trying to get better for her...ultimately, she doesn't know what I need...I crossed the line a long time ago with an inappropriate cyber relationship with a woman...strickly cyber fantasy...I understand her insecurities...I screwed up...but that was a long time ago...hence, if I need counseling with 3D counseling and online therapy ruled out, it leaves me isolated...I'm angry, fed up with fighting the trans thing, and just fed up...I threw everything in the garbage...wigs, clothes, shoes, makeup, you name it...she pushes the cd thing but what I need first and foremost is CBT...cd would be part of it...she is deciding my treatment plan for depresssion...hence, I went online after promising I wouldn't because she left me with no options...if you have a strong need and it's not being addressed, you become desperate and you WILL find a way to have that need met...I'm doing nothing inappropriate online...without a forum such as this I'm isolated and desperate...desperate people do desperate things...all I want is to have my issues addressed...that's all...that would make be a better husband and human being.

Warm Regards,

Meredith

PS Please don't pull any punches if you reply to this.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Meredith

(1) take a deep breath

(2) sit down alone and think out where you are and where you want to go

(3) purging and making promises of 'never again" DOES NOT WORK!

(4) you need to be in gender therapy if you are not

(5) you may eventually split with your wife - but keep working at it. You can only educate her, she will NEVER understand. All you can hope for is compasionate support.

(6) on-line addition? It's real, different kinds, if you find transition is an option, that seems to disappear - a drastic way to resove an addiction but true.

(7) you MUST resolve this situation or you will literally self-distruct. Plus your anger and depression will drive you wife away, anyhow.

(8) you MUST keep in contact with a supposrt group - and we at Laura's are one of the best. Do NOT attempt to solve this on your own.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL - don't make any snap decisions.

Lizzy

[Guest mia 1]

O.K. you crossed the line long ago..and she won't/can't let go...and believe she won't....happened to me with a girl friend and for nine years when things got tough she brought it up and twenty years after that if we met for coffee she would bring it up again..and like you I did nothing sexual just a compromising situation...well that part of your life will never change.. But he "Desperate people,,do Desperate things...that's the key...you are not desperate,,,,just lonely and confused...purging forget that...you are what you are with or without the clothes...

So exhale love your wife,,,find a good therapist and go talk..hug your wife and relax exhale look at your self in the mirror and have her stand next to you and smile......

Then in a few weeks go shopping.......Mia

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Meredith

(1) take a deep breath

(2) sit down alone and think out where you are and where you want to go

(3) purging and making promises of 'never again" DOES NOT WORK!

(4) you need to be in gender therapy if you are not

(5) you may eventually split with your wife - but keep working at it. You can only educate her, she will NEVER understand. All you can hope for is compasionate support.

(6) on-line addition? It's real, different kinds, if you find transition is an option, that seems to disappear - a drastic way to resove an addiction but true.

(7) you MUST resolve this situation or you will literally self-distruct. Plus your anger and depression will drive you wife away, anyhow.

(8) you MUST keep in contact with a supposrt group - and we at Laura's are one of the best. Do NOT attempt to solve this on your own.

PLEASE BE CAREFUL - don't make any snap decisions.

Lizzy

Lizzy,

Thank you so much...this is the kind of advice I really need...very insightful, experienced, focused, and specific, step by step...I WILL take your advice...God knows I need it,and this forum.

Thank you so much for your time and your experienced counsel,

Warmly,

Meredith

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

O.K. you crossed the line long ago..and she won't/can't let go...and believe she won't....happened to me with a girl friend and for nine years when things got tough she brought it up and twenty years after that if we met for coffee she would bring it up again..and like you I did nothing sexual just a compromising situation...well that part of your life will never change.. But he "Desperate people,,do Desperate things...that's the key...you are not desperate,,,,just lonely and confused...purging forget that...you are what you are with or without the clothes...

So exhale love your wife,,,find a good therapist and go talk..hug your wife and relax exhale look at your self in the mirror and have her stand next to you and smile......

Then in a few weeks go shopping.......Mia

Oh Mia,

Yes, lonely and confused...very confused...you're so right, I am what I am without the clothes...you give me clarity and that's definitely what I need at this moment...the advice I'm getting here is putting everything into perspective and I need perspective...

do you think she/we can get past this?

The last part:

So exhale love your wife,,,find a good therapist and go talk..hug your wife and relax exhale look at your self in the mirror and have her stand next to you and smile......

Then in a few weeks go shopping.......Mia

Time for a new wardrobe anyway...haven't purged in years, thought I was past that...I'm still so ambivalent about the cding...

[Guest Donna Jean]

Meredith....

See how it is here? We all help hold up one another.....

Lizzy and Mia.....not just opinions, but experience! And the very best advice from both....

You do need to seek out a gender therapist and clear up where you are in the big picture. I'ts tough, Meredith....we are all in a state of confusion over just exactly what and who we are....

It'll get better....hug your wife...talk....

Good Luck, Hon!

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Meredith - both Mia and i have a PhD in CD'ing. We finally realized its a wonderful part of us, and we come at it from different directions! We embrace our femaleness and femininiity. We had to teach each other about that - we are both pretty much alike. Mia is a wonder! You got a great person to respond with her!

We love you and - hummmm... remember you promised to keep us updated!

Lizzy

UPDATE - oh my - here's Donna Jean sneaking in! OMG - all of us here at once! DeeJay always adds compassion to every recipe!

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Meredith....

See how it is here? We all help hold up one another.....

Lizzy and Mia.....not just opinions, but experience! And the very best advice from both....

You do need to seek out a gender therapist and clear up where you are in the big picture. I'ts tough, Meredith....we are all in a state of confusion over just exactly what and who we are....

It'll get better....hug your wife...talk....

Good Luck, Hon!

Donna Jean

Donna Jean...

I do indeed so how it is here. In a word, "wonderful". The only thing I regret is not coming here sooner. You are all so gracious, loving and kind in addition to "having the T-shirt"...I can't tell you how much this and you (plural) mean to me already, after only being here a short time. It touches me deeply, in addition to giving me concrete advice, clarity,goals, and the ability to see through the dust and clouds and have my "complex" issues distilled for me. Laura's Playground rocks!!

Warmly,

Meredith

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Meredith - both Mia and i have a PhD in CD'ing. We finally realized its a wonderful part of us, and we come at it from different directions! We embrace our femaleness and femininiity. We had to teach each other about that - we are both pretty much alike. Mia is a wonder! You got a great person to respond with her!

We love you and - hummmm... remember you promised to keep us updated!

Lizzy

UPDATE - oh my - here's Donna Jean sneaking in! OMG - all of us here at once! DeeJay always adds compassion to every recipe!

Wow!! A PHD in CD'ing? I didn't know! So, that means I have the benefit of experienced, trained people to help me...my goodness...you are ALL a wonder!! What an appropriate adjective. Frankly, I'm honored and humbled to be a part of this exceptionally gifted and experienced group of folks.

So, Donna Jean snuck in? I thought the door was locked! LOL...seriously, Donna Jean as already (as so many of you) become a very dear friend and mentor of mine.

This is where I need to be!! How blessed I am to have such a place to go, and to have so many folks that I know have my best interests at heart...what more could I ask for? This is so encouraging and uplifting...

I love y'all!!

Meredith

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

I've lost my credibility...my wife now says she can't believe anything I say...it's my fault...it can take a lifetime to build credibility and a second to lose it...FYI, I'm not a "liar" and I don't like liars...I felt compelled to find a way to get around an obstacle (no therapy) and I went online to do it...I was desperate...the ends don't justify the means, but my intention was simply to find a way to get help...internet was the only option...no hanky panky, no flirting, no nonsense...just support...my motive was right...but, I had promised her I would stay away from the internet...I broke that promise...in my defense, it was she who was standing in the way of my getting therapy...I tried and tried to get her to change her mind...she actually told me she would leave me if I went back to my therapist...not once, not twice, but three times...she also threatened to leave me if I went online for ANY reason...then, last night....I even asked her to come with me to therapy...she said, 'never'...she does have her own insecurities...having said all of this, in every way possible she is a remarkable awesome woman...I truly mean that...she is the tried and true and has stuck with me through it all...please, I don't disparage her...if you met her, you would like her very much...it's just this one issue...she can't get her mind around it, and that's not really her fault either...it's just one of those inherent incompatibilities that comes with the territory in marriage...

Meredith

[Guest doodle]

hey Meredith I hope things out for you and your wife. there is nothing better than to have a wife/partner what ever along of this long confusing journey we are all on. Once everything gets out and the two of you face the fears that go along with being with someone trans it gets easier. I don't have much to add but people like us make the most solid and loving partners because we know how hard it is to find anyone who will put up with us

with love

doodle

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Lizzy gave me permission to post part of our PM...I thought it might elicit some other viewpoints and perhaps be of value to someone else. Thank you Lizzy.

I've lost my credibility...my wife now says she can't believe anything I say...it's my fault...it can take a lifetime to build credibility and a second to lose it...FYI, I'm not a "liar" and I don't like liars...I felt compelled to find a way to get around an obstacle (no therapy) and I went online to do it...I was desperate...the ends don't justify the means, but my intention was simply to find a way to get help...internet was the only option...no hanky panky, no flirting, no nonsense...just support...my motive was right...but, I had promised her I would stay away from the internet...I broke that promise...in my defense, it was she who was standing in the way of my getting therapy...I tried and tried to get her to change her mind...she actually told me she would leave me if I went back to my therapist...not once, not twice, but three times...she also threatened to leave me if I went online for ANY reason...then, last night....I even asked her to come with me to therapy...she said, 'never'...she does have her own insecurities...having said all of this, in every way possible she is a remarkable awesome woman...I truly mean that...she is the tried and true and has stuck with me through it all...please, I don't disparage her...if you met her, you would like her very much...it's just this one issue...she can't get her mind around it, and that's not really her fault either...it's just one of those inherent incompatibilities that comes with the territory in marriage...

Meredith - give her some time, then put on your most adult attitude (I am not patronizing you - adults need to do this) and very calmly say what you wrote above, edited for her understanding of course. It is a real chance to unravel a tangled knot!

I love my wife - it isn't getting her to therapy that is the hangup, its getting her to NOT make me make promises on things that may or may not happen. And she has these tape loops - same arguments- over and over!

Never going to be easy... and you may never get her understanding, you will have to try for compassion and support without it.

Tough sell - I know, that's my burden too.

Lizzy

Hmmm...well put with insightful observations I hadn't thought of...I'm sure it's hard for them...yes, tape loops, over and over...never going to be easy? OK, that helps too...I'm not alone...I can do "never going to be easy"...I love her very much...I like 'tough sell' when it's the truth...I want the truth and that's what friends give you...no mincing of words...would kind of defeat the purpose of my being here...knowing the truth, I know what I'm up against, and I can devise the best (not perfect) strategy...thank you so much...it really helps...

Meredith

[CharlotteW]

Meredith,

I will level with you and throw no punches. Bear in mind I have not an ounce of tact.

The dysphoria, however deep it actually goes, is really starting to rock you foundations. I am more familiar with this than I would like to admit. If my past is any indication, it will only get worse, very fast, very quickly. And whatever pain you went through before, it cannot prepare you for the horrors to come. YOU DON'T WANT TO GO THERE.

Simply put, you need a good therapist, and you need him YESTERDAY. Being that your life is potentially in danger, your wife is conspiring to deny you medical treatment, whether or not she understands it. She must be brushed aside in this case. No partner's wishes can override the others need to survive. She is not going to like being overruled. Be calm, be polite, but assure her you will not be dissuaded. You're not going for craps and giggles, you NEED to go. If she threatens to leave, call her bluff. If it's not a bluff, so be it. Survival is the most important thing because without survival there is NOTHING ELSE.

Please, I beg of you, seek out the help you need. Do what must be done.

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

hey Meredith I hope things out for you and your wife. there is nothing better than to have a wife/partner what ever along of this long confusing journey we are all on. Once everything gets out and the two of you face the fears that go along with being with someone trans it gets easier. I don't have much to add but people like us make the most solid and loving partners because we know how hard it is to find anyone who will put up with us

with love

doodle

Thanks doodle...good points, all of them...indeed, I wouldn't want to be in the position having to find someone who is accepting of trans...thank you for telling me it gets better...that's certainly encouraging.

with love to you also,

Meredith

[Guest Pioneer]

i think you should compromise with her any way possible since you really can't get help without the internet. but yea take it slowly.

if i were you, i would print out everything that i was browsing and tell her on the phone whenever i'm online, even make a schedule to when i can go online and when not.

good luck on whatever you decide to do.

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Dear Pioneer,

Thank you so much for the excellent suggestions and your interest. The caveat is that there is no compromise with my wife. I don't like secrecy, and I don't like lies. Having said that, I lived a lie for 35 of our 38 years as a closed cder. I thought keeping it a secret was in the best interests of our marriage. Acutually, before I committed to marriage I thoroughly believed I could stop. It was in my 50's that I realized I can't stop. Then came a nervous breakdown over it preceded by going online to be part of a group such as this. I was PM'd by a predacious woman while I was in a weakened state. It was an ego builder, and a place where I could be who I am. The woman wanted to meet in person, and I promptly and firmly refused...an affair with another woman was definitely out of the question and not at all what I was looking for then and now. Unfortunately, my wife came across an email that was flirtatious in nature and that killed any chance of my going online forever. My wife made it abundantly clear that if I EVER went online she would leave me.

For the past 5 years I have been severely depressed and very suicidal. My wife placed several restrictions on me including prohibiting me from getting any kind of counseling whatsoever, in person, online, whatever. I was so suicidal, and under the threat of my wife leaving me, that I chose to go online at work for the SOLE purpose of finding SOMEONE to talk with, an online therapist. Literally, my goal was to stave off suicide. The pain of the loneliness was excruciating. I just had to talk with someone about it and I could not turn to my own wife to support me on this. So,yes, I "sneaked" and went on the internet. In the process, I decided to look for a "T" message board, and so, here I am. What happened is, I called the online therapist at home to talk last Friday. I felt it safe not to use *69 to prevent my number from coming up on the therapist's caller ID. Guest what she did? She calls my home phone number and my wife picks up...the rest as they say, is history. So, now I looked at as a sneak and a liar. All I wanted to do was find someone to talk to and keep from killing myself. My wife sees one thing only. I lied to her again. As far as she is concerned there are no mitigating circumstances. What were my options under her strict rules?

My wife once told me that if she has a "need" that I cannot or will not meet, she'll find some way to have that need met. Ironic.

Now, I'm told by a close friend (a trans M to F) that I should apologize to my wife. I'm struggling with this because I feel as though she left me 2 options: commit suicide, or go behind her back to find some support. Is this a cop-out? Please be honest with me. I am NOT a pathological liar. I have never, nor would I ever lie to anyone here. Frankly, I'm a meticulously honest and open person by nature. This is quite a quandry for me. It's getting to the point where her leaving me is becoming less and less a fear of mine because all I want and need is some professional psychological counseling and I can't get it with her approval.

This is it in a nutshell. Please feel free to comment, disagree, and ask questions if you wish. I haven't deliberately withheld anything to "spin" the situation in my favor. I did what I did.

Thanks again.

Love,

Meredith

[Sally]

Meredith,

I have not commented on this topic for a reason - you were so determined to stay married and I was unable to manage that, so I left it to the people who have.

After reading your last post, I can no longer stay silent.

Your wife is a self center egomaniacal control freak and you are nothing more than her puppet in your relationship.

She is asking, no demanding that you not get the professional help that you need in order to survive - does that sound like love to you?

She doesn't want you on line or in therapy because she knows that everyone will tell you to get out with your life.

She would rather explain your suicide to her friends than any of the real issues that can be treated and do not require your ulimate demise.

You have a job and if you value your mental health - I would tell her that I need to see a therapist or I am left with two choices, leaving or suicide and I want to live - it is up to you to supply a third option of staying and getting therapy.

If she suggests that you commit suicide - don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Don't take anything with you, get a friend to go back with you to get your things becase if that is her response, she might be willing to help.

My wife was never in our marriage from the beginning so when she told her family about me - they lectured me and told me that they had no respect for me and convinced her to leave - I felt bad for a few hours and then I went to sleep and within days I realized how much better I was feeling - under the weight of trying to please her and her 'insane' family I was aroken person, I couldn't take much more - but now with the lingering divorce still hanging and debts piling up - I haven't felt so good in years, almost 7 that's how long we had been together - dating and married.

The end of a marriage is far better than the end of your life and the end of a marriage that is so far removed from a partnership, is in my mind, long overdue.

You wanted it straight, so there it is.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Meredith,

I have not commented on this topic for a reason - you were so determined to stay married and I was unable to manage that, so I left it to the people who have.

After reading your last post, I can no longer stay silent.

Your wife is a self center egomaniacal control freak and you are nothing more than her puppet in your relationship.

She is asking, no demanding that you not get the professional help that you need in order to survive - does that sound like love to you?

She doesn't want you on line or in therapy because she knows that everyone will tell you to get out with your life.

She would rather explain your suicide to her friends than any of the real issues that can be treated and do not require your ulimate demise.

You have a job and if you value your mental health - I would tell her that I need to see a therapist or I am left with two choices, leaving or suicide and I want to live - it is up to you to supply a third option of staying and getting therapy.

If she suggests that you commit suicide - don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Don't take anything with you, get a friend to go back with you to get your things becase if that is her response, she might be willing to help.

My wife was never in our marriage from the beginning so when she told her family about me - they lectured me and told me that they had no respect for me and convinced her to leave - I felt bad for a few hours and then I went to sleep and within days I realized how much better I was feeling - under the weight of trying to please her and her 'insane' family I was aroken person, I couldn't take much more - but now with the lingering divorce still hanging and debts piling up - I haven't felt so good in years, almost 7 that's how long we had been together - dating and married.

The end of a marriage is far better than the end of your life and the end of a marriage that is so far removed from a partnership, is in my mind, long overdue.

You wanted it straight, so there it is.

Love ya,

Sally

Dearest Sally,

Yes, I wanted it straight...I want nothing but straight. You are a true friend for doing so.

Faithful[are]the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy[are] deceitful.

Proverbs 27:6

Thank you for not taking the easy route by simply saying, hey girl, you lied to your wife, now apologize. I've gotten none of that simplistic crap here. No one has judged me thus. All of you seem to understand what it is like to be put between a rock and a hard place. The rock is truth, the hard place is untruth.

Yes, the end of a marriage is cognitively better than death by suicide. I suppose I am looking at suicide as sending a message to a woman who is impervious to any mitigating circumstances. She see's one thing, and one thing only, the "lie"...as far as I'm concerned, no one can know what it's like to walk in our heels until they've done so. It's so easy to use 20/20 hindsight and pontificate and judge others for their actions without having a clue as to the dynamic and underpinnings of the behavior...they only see the behavior and not the complexities of the circumstances which can be very grey.

I will give your reasoned and very clear reply my most serious consideration.

Again Sallie, thank you for your candor. It probably wasn't easy for you not really knowing me very well, yet you had the guts to give me the reality of the situation. That's a true friend (Prov 27:6). I don't want to hear what I want to hear. I want to hear what I need to hear. You've done that for me.

Love you too Sally,

Meredith

[Sally]

Dear Meredith,

It isn't easy to tell someone things that they would rather not hear, but sometimes there are things that are far too important to go unspoken.

I wasn't faced with the choice, it was made for me and that made it easier in a way and harder in a way, but the end result was the same - I am free!

Take your time and weigh all of your options, this is a decission that you need to make on your own, it is very important and I know that you are taking it seriously.

Whatever you decide, you have my support and friendship,

Sally

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Dear Meredith,

It isn't easy to tell someone things that they would rather not hear, but sometimes there are things that are far too important to go unspoken.

I wasn't faced with the choice, it was made for me and that made it easier in a way and harder in a way, but the end result was the same - I am free!

Take your time and weigh all of your options, this is a decission that you need to make on your own, it is very important and I know that you are taking it seriously.

Whatever you decide, you have my support and friendship,

Sally

Thanks Sally...I know I have your support and friendship and support...that means the world to me...

Love,

Meredith

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Meredith

My goodness sweetheart, remind me NEVER to say be 'brutally honest' with these people - LOL

Well, after reading through all this...

Humm - you and I are so very similar. I am a highly spiritual person, but find my answer by talking directly with GOD, although I do study the Bible. It has taken me a lifetime to learn to listen, to hear GOD - and to trust what I hear. I have never been let down. So I am certainly confused with some things I am told. I asked GOD if I would lose my wife over this, he said not yes, not no, but rather I am not the chief person in the relationship, he protects me so I can protect her. Now THERE IS A REVELATION! I don't understand my value, nor her's, in the Grand Plan - but there is something there. Maybe me calling her an angel is not that far off base!

I am only saying this to tell you to listen very carefully - open your heart on this matter. You may have some direction relayed to you. Its an amazing thing how it works, and not everyone has this.

And GOD allows me to transition. I prayed for resolution to a crossdressing gender dysphoria I had for 61 years. It was revealled to me I an transsexual. So the 'abomination in the eyes of GOD arguements' from people? I reply, their disbelief in my transitioning is a direct contridiction to GOD's Will.

And the marriage to a controlling woman? Well I erred as well, but not to the great burden you now carry. I DO want you to know my second wife divorced me after 18 years BECAUSE - mostly - I could not keep my promise not to crossdress. I didn't know at the time it was impossible to quit. I suspected maybe, but never knew I was transsexual. So she HATED me for it - rather than continuing with love and help... a HUGE disappointment. So sometimes - it just can't work out.

And I never told my current wife - I SWORE I would never tell ANYONE again! [and if you are keeping count - my first wife died young] Therefore the word 'betrayal" come up all the time, now. We have been married for ten years - she is grudgingly supportive - she doesn't want to live with a full woman. I am working on that because I a certainly transitioning all the way.

And my transgression? Minor compared to many things that I could have done - but pornography on the internet. Actually it was perceived that way by her. She would catch me at it and I had to swear never again, only to be caught again. BUT Meredith, it was transgender sites... I couldn't let her see these - it told my secret.

So I lost a lot of credibility there - with the inability to stop the internet pornograhy thing, but mainly in the 'betrayal" - why did I hide it from her, she asks? WHY didn't I give her the choice to marry me or not, knowing my condition? BUT - I had the wrong condition in mind. I was like you, I thought I was a person who could just STOP CROSSDRSSING! I mean she was certainly worth that - I mean really - I mean why not just stop?

Couldn't

So I have that same thing you have - GUILT. My therapist says I have to lose that. I found out I was transsexual and told her the same day. 'Betrayal" is not correct.

But Meredith - I have to say this - I am in transition - I started HRT without consulting her - I was so thrilled to finally start transitioning, I totally forgot to include her. Honestly - if she had said no, I would have started anyway. Like I tell her - I HAVE NO CHOICE! The starting pistol has fired - I am running the race to completion. I am the only runner so I will WIN! The prize is my heart's desire!

Can she understand that? I hoped so - rbut in reality? No. She is supportive but bellyaches every step of the way. I spend 90%of my energy in transitioning, taking care of her. As she is my love, I am willing to do so, but I am exhausted most times.

We may not survive this - even if my message from GOD seemes to say we wil. I suppose it would be my failure, not GOD's - because I don't understand.

Meredith please know this - reading your correspondence? I think, like me, the starter's gun has sounded. You will probably sacrifice your marriage at the end, if you have to.

Now that's brutally honest I guess. You might want to take a poll on that. Donno - but I thing almost every MTF and FTM here would sacrifice their partner. We have no choice.

Sorry to have to say that. It makes it all the more important to see if you can work something out with your wife.

Another thing? You may want to suicide? You won't be able to, because like me, you are too experienced... in love with the years you have left, especially if you can transition. So if faced with suicide, you will choose life without you wife, over never having the chance to live life as you were meant to do.

Hope this helps.

Lizzy

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

You've all so kindly given of yourselves...I wish to reply to each of you as time permits...please bear with me...I appreciate the overwhelming support I'm receiving...thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Love to All,

Meredith

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Had lunch with Nancy...it could best be described as platonic...even icy...I just don't know what the future holds for us...I will re-read all the wonderful replies and try to come up with a feasible, workable solution to this...last week I felt the best I have felt in 5+ years depression-wise...the situation is causing a setback...I'll get through with your help...thank you...

Love,

Meredith

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Nancy is cordial but reticent. She has a knack for always putting the ball in my court. What I found interesting is the fact that she knows I've called suicide hotlines numerous times, police have come to the house, I've practically begged her to participate in my recovery, vis-a-vis talk therapy, she finds out I'm online for support and the only issue she concentrates on is the fact that I went online against her wishes...not WHY I called the hotline, not WHY I went online for support, and not WHY I find it imcumbent for me to get professional help...she seems to take it all personally as if I'm deliberately trying to disenfranchise her from the process, when in fact I have asked her to partner with me. It's getting to the point where I'm going to have to do what I must do, and if she leaves me, as she has threatened, then so be it...again, this is not to disparage her...it's just that there is a huge chasm between us over my entire mental health.

As an aside, if you're curious as to why I put up with it, it's the fear of abandonment...goes back to my childhood...I'll explain more in my blog when I have time.

I'll be afk most of the day, so please, I'm not ignoring anyone, and I'm OK...thank you all for listening...

Love,

Meri

[Guest Pioneer]

Dear Pioneer,

Now, I'm told by a close friend (a trans M to F) that I should apologize to my wife. I'm struggling with this because I feel as though she left me 2 options: commit suicide, or go behind her back to find some support. Is this a cop-out? Please be honest with me. I am NOT a pathological liar. I have never, nor would I ever lie to anyone here. Frankly, I'm a meticulously honest and open person by nature. This is quite a quandry for me. It's getting to the point where her leaving me is becoming less and less a fear of mine because all I want and need is some professional psychological counseling and I can't get it with her approval.

This is it in a nutshell. Please feel free to comment, disagree, and ask questions if you wish. I haven't deliberately withheld anything to "spin" the situation in my favor. I did what I did.

Thanks again.

Love,

Meredith

I have never doubted your words, even though I do not know you personally. I don't have a marriage experience to give you any more comfort or suggestion but I'll keep you in my prayers.

Honestly, it is all up to you and I only want nothing but happiness for you since you've suffered enough.

Jerimiah 1:5 always makes me feel better for whatever the reason. Even if everyone deserts us because of our flaws, big or small, you know Who will be watching over us.

Take care.