Purged

[Guest Sarah Marie]

Meredith --

Whoever it was who said you shouldapologise to your wife needs to be ignored. You are at least trying to do what you need to do to survive. Thus, your behavior is completely normal and healthy in my opinion. So what is there to apologise to her for? I fail to see what that person was thinking about.

A fear of abandonment can keep a sufferer trapped in a dangerous or unhealthy situation. (I speak from experience.) I am sincerely interested in how your fear feels to you. Like you, I have lived with it since early childhood, and it seems to me that it carries a companion fear of "I can't make it on my own."

Continuing to hang out and post here as you are able to is one of the best things you are doing for yourself. I hope you continue to post and keep us updated as you are able to.

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Meredith --

Whoever it was who said you shouldapologise to your wife needs to be ignored. You are at least trying to do what you need to do to survive. Thus, your behavior is completely normal and healthy in my opinion. So what is there to apologise to her for? I fail to see what that person was thinking about.

A fear of abandonment can keep a sufferer trapped in a dangerous or unhealthy situation. (I speak from experience.) I am sincerely interested in how your fear feels to you. Like you, I have lived with it since early childhood, and it seems to me that it carries a companion fear of "I can't make it on my own."

Continuing to hang out and post here as you are able to is one of the best things you are doing for yourself. I hope you continue to post and keep us updated as you are able to.

Sarah Marie,

Thank you so much for the 'confirmation' on my decision not to apologize to my wife...it's perplexing...I am willing and ready to apologize when the situation warrants it...I do not apologize unless I know in my heart I should...I don't give false apologizes just to placate a person...

My fear of abandonment can be crippling at times...I have a long history in that regard...thank you for your 'sincere' interest in me and how I feel...I will share more when time permits...

Indeed, being here is a vital lifeline for me at this time...I've been so alone for so long...I cannot live much longer (not referring to suicide) with verbal threats from my wife opposing my seeking help...thus, here I am...she did threaten to leave me if I EVER went online again...so far, she hasn't...I'm becoming more determined to take whatever path is necessary to get help and let the chips fall where they may...enough, is enough!

I'm sure my wife's controlling methodology stems from her own insecurities which she herself should seek help for...all the history of our relationship tells me she will probably never do that...

I hope our differences can be reconciled somehow, but I have no more latitude or options left...the ball is pretty much in her court...I've respected her wishes to the 'nth degree, but there is an ultimate end as to how far one can go...I do feel in my heart that I've bent over backwards for her as much as I humanly,possibly can.

Your reply has encouraged and strengthened me tremendously. Thank you so much for caring, and for clarity.

Love,

Meredith

[Guest Donna Jean]

I hope our differences can be reconciled somehow, but I have no more latitude or options left...the ball is pretty much in her court...I've respected her wishes to the 'nth degree, but there is an ultimate end as to how far one can go...I do feel in my heart that I've bent over backwards for her as much as I humanly,possibly can.

Well, Meredith, Honey...that's the key above, I think.....

Where does YOUR well being come into the picture? I do understand that the fear of abandonment runs strong sometimes and one will hang on during all sorts of abuse just to have someone with them...but's that's not always in their best intrest.

By your posting I see that you seem to be moving in a positive direction. And I think that you getting some therapy is in your best intrest. Some people deny that need therapy when told that they do. You, on the other hand, are wanting it badly and are being denied...it's time you got some help in that department....you want it, how can she deny you that?

Keep going in this direction, Meredith, I think that you're on the right track....

Good Luck, Sweetheart!

HUGG

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Just can't understand her view of marriage.

It is not one for her and all for her you are there to take care of her everywhim and nothing about it is for you.

You deserve to have a life of your own, you should matter, when you don't it is time to leave.

I usually don't suggest leaving, I am all about working things out, but it is obvious that she sees no need to change and she is absolutely totally in charge, why would she want to give that up when you always do what you are told and never get the help that you need.

There are entire countries who ant to be abandoned by their dictators, join them and in the woeds of Paul Simon, "Just drop off the key, Lee and set yourself free."

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

just got the word I will be afk for the rest of the day, and we aren't working Fridays. I will respond to your excellent replies asap...thank you all for caring so much...you (plural) are getting me through...love you all,

Meredith

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Just can't understand her view of marriage.

It is not one for her and all for her you are there to take care of her everywhim and nothing about it is for you.

You deserve to have a life of your own, you should matter, when you don't it is time to leave.

I usually don't suggest leaving, I am all about working things out, but it is obvious that she sees no need to change and she is absolutely totally in charge, why would she want to give that up when you always do what you are told and never get the help that you need.

There are entire countries who ant to be abandoned by their dictators, join them and in the woeds of Paul Simon, "Just drop off the key, Lee and set yourself free."

Love ya,

Sally

Hi Sally,

Didn't think I'd have an opportunity to get online today, but I have a few minutes.

Your reply resonates deeply...I understand where you are coming from and you are absolutely right...I need the re-enforcement, which you have given me...I happen to be a big fan of Paul Simon's and your quote is very effective and hits the nail on the head...as you have read, I've needed some firm nudging to help me realize that you do not relinquish your basic human rights for your spouse, or for anybody for that matter. I am determined to go forward with my life, with or without my wife...I'm not asking her to put up with abuse, neglect, or dereliction of my duties and responsibities to her as her husband. I only ask for professional help which will be in the best interests of both of us.

Thank you for caring...I really do appreciate that, and what you've said.

Love,

Meredith

[Guest mia 1]

As Bob Dylan says "You need to give yourself a good talking to" and don't leave the situation untl you have stood up for yourself and then draw the line and if it doesn't work then...Find a new plan Stan...

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

As Bob Dylan says "You need to give yourself a good talking to" and don't leave the situation untl you have stood up for yourself and then draw the line and if it doesn't work then...Find a new plan Stan...

Great reply...short, sweet and powerful...I happen to be a big fan of Bob Dylan...love the quote and your comments...yes, I have to stand up for myself and draw the line...and "Find a new plan Stan"? Yep, that's what we gotta do when what we're doing isn't working...if you keep doing the same thing you get the same outcome...wanna different outcome? Ya gotta do something different...I think that's what you're saying and you're so right.

Thanks mia,

Love,

Meredith

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

you know, when you're depressed, you have no confidence in yourself...you're constantly second guessing yourself which is disabling...you become reluctant and afraid to take a stand that is contrary to someone else's position because you know your ability to be objective is severely hampered...especially in a relationship where you get a steady diet of your partners interpretation of life and events...it's like a form of brainwashing...together, you have bolstered my confidence to the highest level it has been in 5 or 6 years which changed the whole dynamic of our conversations this weekend resulting in a more positive and productive outcome for both of us. I'm all about power-sharing in a relationship because we're individuals, and we cannot forfeit our individuality, nor should we...we all need to express ourselves and our sincerely held beliefs and opinions must be validated...

The level and quality of support I'm receiving here has already been life-changing...what an amazing group of people you are...the best of the best...

I seem to be having trouble expressing myself (lack of sleep) but I hope I've made some sense.

Love,

Meredith

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Meredith

You seem to be doing better! It can be really difficult in finding your true self. And when you do, although they won't entirely ever leave you, your self distructive tendncies will seem somewhat selfish and stupid - a cry for help that could just accidentally kill you. So that's possibly resolved... finally. Now, as I am somewhat like you, I want to warn you I STILL get very deprssed and for no particular reason I can understand, sometimes. So be careful.

And if YOU love you, then others will also - espeially what you hoped was your life partner.

As an aside this weekend I finally gave up on trying to please my wife. I told her last night I had given myself six months to have her fully accept me. That time is up next Saturday. It worked to a degree but it has been horrible, the bickering, the accusations and the backsliding. Its also been wonderful, moments of special connection we never had, her affection, her ways of trying to pleasure me in my new body. I have come to the point that I am telling her to accept me. I am not really just my body and she is really not just her body. She fell in love with me (Elizabeth) as well as that 'guy" I was playing. I told her from now on I would just be me.

She seemed to understand and is a bit wary - understandably so. She said ELizabeth was mean to her - and I explained, no - that was the residuals of the 'guy.' The guy was trying to save a marrage relationship and it didn't really work. I was now just me - and that was what she has to see and try to find out if she really likes. This is my only way left to keep her interested in staying with me - and if you think about it, it should have been this way from the start. So I am here (Elizabeth) and th guy is gone. SIX MONTHS! Can you imagine!

Ahhhhh - so good!

So there you are... I hope it gets better. Keep on keeping on until your wife either falls in love with you again as you are, or you both decide the loving thing to do is to start your lives anew.

I hope this helps.

Lizzy

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

Meredith

You seem to be doing better! It can be really difficult in finding your true self. And when you do, although they won't entirely ever leave you, your self distructive tendncies will seem somewhat selfish and stupid - a cry for help that could just accidentally kill you. So that's possibly resolved... finally. Now, as I am somewhat like you, I want to warn you I STILL get very deprssed and for no particular reason I can understand, sometimes. So be careful.

Thank you for the cautionary note...you have picked up on the fact that my improvement is almost euphoric to me, but, yes, I've been unaware of the fact that my depression can return and if I'm caught completely off guard there's no way to predict what the consequences might be...I still have some residual suicidal tendencies but they have lessened considerably...in my current state of mind there is no chance I would act impulsively and harm myself...

And if YOU love you, then others will also - espeially what you hoped was your life partner.

This is the valid flip side of RuPaul's proverb that is my page signature...it's true...I haven't loved or even liked myself my entire life.

As an aside this weekend I finally gave up on trying to please my wife. I told her last night I had given myself six months to have her fully accept me. That time is up next Saturday. It worked to a degree but it has been horrible, the bickering, the accusations and the backsliding. Its also been wonderful, moments of special connection we never had, her affection, her ways of trying to pleasure me in my new body. I have come to the point that I am telling her to accept me. I am not really just my body and she is really not just her body. She fell in love with me (Elizabeth) as well as that 'guy" I was playing. I told her from now on I would just be me.

You situation sounds very similar to mine...I'm finally realizing that it's not just about her...."I am not realy just my body"...very well put and absolutely true...I may submit to you that you led me to think that in fact, we are not our body at all! And yes, your wife fell in love with you and you are still you, but perhaps more you because you are allowing yourself to be yourself much more fully...but, that doesn't diminish the 'you' your wife fell in love with...it adds, it doesn't subtract...and, personally, I truly believe that allowing ourselves to express our fem side adds a very favorable component to our personalities...personally, Meredith is much more sensitive, caring, nurturing and able to relate to my wife as a female...how can that be a bad thing?

She seemed to understand and is a bit wary - understandably so.

I think you're very correct here...warriness which engenders fear which causes our wives to construct barriers unnecessarily so...I think in time your wife will realize you are still the PERSON she loves and married no matter what your choice of clothing...

She said ELizabeth was mean to her - and I explained, no - that was the residuals of the 'guy.'

Good point!! Elizabeth is so much more caring...I think she will come to realize that when she gets past her 'wariness'...

. The guy was trying to save a marrage relationship and it didn't really work. I was now just me - and that was what she has to see and try to find out if she really likes. This is my only way left to keep her interested in staying with me - and if you think about it, it should have been this way from the start. So I am here (Elizabeth) and th guy is gone. SIX MONTHS! Can you imagine!

I can imagine...I'm optimistic for you...it's all about both of you coming to terms with reality which is a very good reality...

Ahhhhh - so good!

So there you are... I hope it gets better. Keep on keeping on until your wife either falls in love with you again as you are, or you both decide the loving thing to do is to start your lives anew.

Thank you Lizzy...I do think it will get better...and yes, she must love me as I am, and I must learn to do myself...

I hope this helps.

It does. I'm frankly honored that you trust me enough to share such intimate information about your life...

Love,

Meredith

PS Just found out I'll be afk for the rest of the day and possibly the week...

[Guest]

Few people understand the anxiety that Trans people go through. This happens in every single Transgender group. Believe it or not anxiety and stress can lead to secondary health issues like heart attacks. It's not a trivial issue. Purging often makes it worse, not better. Meanwhile the anxiety takes it's silent toll on your body. While it used to be heart attacks showed up in the 50's and 60's Doctors now see it in the 20's , 30's and forties. There is no question that cd'ing relieves stress in those inclined to it.

Marriage is a partnership built on mutual respect, equality, forgiveness and love. No where in the vows does it allow a controller or puppet master to be set over the other partner. People need to be themselves to be healthy. Almost all trans people need treatment for a condition that isn't our fault. Certainly no one asks to be this way. Therapy helps and should not be denied. The consequences of denying treatment can be devastating and effects one health. Sometimes it's serious enough to need medication to reduce anxiety and depression. If the partner is CD it's usually a simple matter of compromising for private time. This really isn't a lot to ask.

Promising to purge means to give up an important part of yourself. Almost always the results are only temporary because the underlying problem is always there. Often when it comes back it is even stronger. When there are problems coming out the other party is often remembering myths about us. Some are homophobic and use biblical texts to condemn us. The truth is trans people should have nothing to feel ashamed of. It is part of us and our makeup. Someday it will be proved we are all born with it or the susceptabiltiy to it. It's not your fault. By purging you are giving into guilt you don't deserve. You are who you are. There's nothing wrong with that. Besides guilt should never be used as a weapon. Therapy is probably the most important favor you can do for yourself. Once you are set than you could also include your wife to work out a mutally agreed upon solution.

Laura

[Guest mia 1]

Therapy is probably the most important favor you can do for yourself. Once you are set than you could also include your wife to work out a mutually agreed upon solution.

Laura

Thanks you yet again Laura.....That is so true. Therapy and a mutual understanding and respect for who you are is the key to the solution and marital harmony.

My wife is happy now with the fact that I keep my cross dressing in the house and not exhibit myself to neighbors or friends.

My therapist explained to us that my needs can be met within certain boundaries and what I consider necessary for my healthy existence is not what may make other people happy ...so keeping your cross dressing within these respectful boundaries satisfies both people and the rest of the family.

Plus the ability to communicate on this forum is a great energy release and a most positive one at that...

So thanks again for this great forum and also a tip of the hat to Meridith,,,,,,,, Mia.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I laugh - my wife and I are both in therapy - I am just a tad more than a cross-dresser - but might wife says "I wish you were 'just' a cross-dresser." My therapist nearly chokes on that one! She says my wife would be just as upset! So I agree... and I want to add I always did get stress relief when dressed appropriately for my gender (female of course). So it works for all of us - to be free to be ourselves for a while. Ahhhhhhhh......

Lizzy

[Guest mia 1]

Yes I forgot to mention the stress relief..I remember back in the 80's when I told my then girl friend that dressing was a great relief for me..she asked why running and cycling weren't enough of a stress buster I told her I needed more than just exersice..she kinda understood..but then you really have to be part of the community to understand that...

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

I PM'd Laura about this, but I think I'll just post...your replies are so incredibly supportive, informative, and even profound...you cause me to think so much...I KNOW I can learn to accept myself with all of your help...anyway, what I wanted mostly to say is I'll be afk for the most part this week, if not all week, except to do a 'drive-by' post here and there...unless that changes, I want each of you to know I WILL reply when time and opportunity permit...just want ya to know I am listening and thinking a lot and I will most definitely continue the exchange with each of you...please bear with me...I'm not ignoring you, nor do I want you to think for a second that I don't appreciate the time, thought and effort each of you have put into your obvious comittment to help and support me.

Love ya all,

Meredith

[Sally]

Just drop by when ever you get a chance.

We don't set a clock or worry about how long responses take unless they are in the cutting or suicide forums - then we get very nervous!

When we are working with a long term survivor and asomeone who has limited access to the Internet, like yourself or students whose school computers have us blocked we are very patient, we look forward to hearing from you about any progress and we are here when you need our support - but as far as checking in- you are an adult and don't have to tell me where you are going.

You may not get the full adult treatment at home, but in your second home - you are in charge of your own life.

Look forward to hearing from you whenever you get a chance.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Meredith_Baxter]

I laugh - my wife and I are both in therapy - I am just a tad more than a cross-dresser - but might wife says "I wish you were 'just' a cross-dresser." My therapist nearly chokes on that one! She says my wife would be just as upset! So I agree... and I want to add I always did get stress relief when dressed appropriately for my gender (female of course). So it works for all of us - to be free to be ourselves for a while. Ahhhhhhhh......

Lizzy

I do too!! I get stress relief when I'm dressed...yet, I resist dressing...why? I don't 'get' me...I have a wife that encourages me to dress...is it because I hid and concealed it from her for 34 years and my mind is on auto-pilot or something? When I'm not dressed my female side is not happy...when I am dressed, my male side is not happy...I'm ambivalent toward both sides depending on which side I'm expressing...

I agree with your therapist....

Love you Lizzy,

Meredith