Is it ever simple?

[Entropic]

Starting with the concrete things. I'm 24 and I was born male. I am currently active duty military and actively involved in a local church. Oh my the situation I have gotten myself into.

 

I was born and raised in San Francisco, probably not a more accepting community for these issues, but I have since left. I was constantly confused for a girl growing up, until middle school. I had long strawberry blonde hair and my favorite color was and still is pink... so the confusion was inevitable there. I used to get upset and people calling me a girl growing up, seems at contrast to a lot of the stories I have read, but at the time it was mislabeling me. I didn't have any desire to be a girl at the time, but there really wasn't any difference between the sexes for me at the time. I was allowed to dress how I wanted and like what I liked. Middle school I shifted to private and had to cut my hair, wear a uniform. I remember being upset that all the girls got to choose between pants and a skirt and i could only wear pants. With puberty, I pushed the idea of being a woman to the back of my mind. It was an  impossibility to me and tbh most of my wishful thinking went away when I didn't get my letter to hogwarts. I recently started questioning my gender identity, a decade later. When transgender issues when to the forefront I celebrated initially, and then everyone started making new boxes and I got confused and mad. I was hoping for a push away from societal expectations of gender completely, instead of people conforming to a different standard, even if the new standard was how they saw themselves. But I also didn't have a clear understanding of how well you could transition. I still thought no matter how hard I tried I still wouldn't be able to really consider myself a woman, so I continued searching for what parts of being a man I enjoyed and focused on those.

 

Recently, while attending Rocky Horror, I had a woman come up to me afterwards and tell me I was prettier then anyone she saw while on a recent trip to Ireland. Red hair, blue eyes, freckles ...I'm very obviously Irish, lol. The comment shook me. I always knew that was how I wanted to be seen, but the fact that it happened when I wasn't really trying was a huge confidence boost. I started looking into people who have completed their transition and the results astounded me. I thought sex reassignment basically destroyed your sex life, but plenty of people report having incredible experiences. I thought I would always look very masculine but that too is not the case. In my dreams, when I notice my gender, I am usually a woman. At least one of them I was pregnant and I woke up and started crying because of the fiction my mind threw me into. I have always thrown these things to the back of my mind because I chalked them off to fantasy. I only started letting myself view this as an option a week ago and feel like I have been in a dream since then. Already talked to one of my best friends about it because I knew he wouldn't see me any different if I continue down this path or halt it. I was worried this feeling was just a current obsession and not actually me but he said it checks with chart for what he knows about me. So, now the problems...

 

First step would be seek counseling, ideally professional. Unfortunately I am active duty military and everything has to be reported to my command (at least the doc, even if the upper chain doesn't have to know), so I can't really seek civilian help. Despite the recent advance the military has made, I am on a submarine that still doesn't allow women to serve. And from my understanding once you start transitioning, even just hormones, they are required to change my legal status to female and give me accommodations as appropriate... those don't exist where I am at. I also believe they are only required to do anything, if a military medical provider determines that it is "medically necessary" and that term scares the hell out of me. I am convinced if I tried talking to someone while still in the grey area about this they would do everything they could to deem it not necessary. I am not suicidal, what depression I have is manageable without meds and I have no desire to hurt myself. I don't hate myself for being a man, I'm just not comfortable being a man. If I start this, I pretty much have to go in with full force. I am trying to figure out how I can know this is something I want to do to myself.

 

I also live in a christian house with roommates that are on staff at my church. My lease specifically states I can not have females overnight (fine with me) but what if I become one? I don't think he can legally evict me but my gosh it is going to get AWKWARD.

 

I also want to go to school to become an elementary school teacher and I am worried how this would affect that career choice. Getting the job would probably not be too hard ...interacting with the parents and side stepping the questions kids will inevitably ask though ...that worries me.

 

Anyways thanks for reading, any advice is welcomed. Just writing this has honestly helped organize my thoughts.

[Jani]

Hello Entropic and welcome.  You're not too far away from me.  I'm also former Navy.  Is it a church in Rochester that you attend?  

 

3 minutes ago, Entropic said:

And from my understanding once you start transitioning, even just hormones, they are required to change my legal status to female and give me accommodations as appropriate

I thought I read they don't/won't change your status until you are fully transitioned.  We have other members here who were recently in the military.  Hopefully they can shed some light on that comment.  It doesn't seem that you are ready to come out to the world quite yet due to your military status.  But you could see a private counselor to do a bit of exploratory learning.  It's not terribly expensive when paid out of pocket, versus private insurance, which I know you don't have.  

 

8 minutes ago, Entropic said:

I don't hate myself for being a man, I'm just not comfortable being a man. If I start this, I pretty much have to go in with full force. I am trying to figure out how I can know this is something I want to do to myself.

Understand that not all of us have dysphoria.  Not being comfortable in your birth gender is enough.  You also don't have to go in full force and it is recommended you take time to absorb the changes your body and mind go through to get comfortable with your "new" self.    Also you're not doing this "to" yourself, but "for" yourself.  Transitioning provided me with relief from the stresses I was under for decades.  I'm happy to be where I am now, three years later.

 

Cheers,

Jani

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Entropic,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

There is no rush to put a label on yourself. When we first realise we're somewhere on the trans spectrum, we often feel like we've got to find what to do now. But this is a time to take things slowly.  We've got to discover who we are. You'll find that this is kind of like entering a second puberty. Lots of rough spots, but lots of excitement as well. You mentioned that you're a submariner. I'm afraid the only experience I have with that is watching movies. In the movie "The Hunt for Red October", the Russian sub had to navigate through a trench at a prescribed speed. Going too fast was dangerous. That's sort of like transitioning. Like the sub skipper had to understand exactly when to turn, we have to understand ourselves as best we can to avoid rushing into a mistake.

 

I know puting on the breaks is not what you had in mind. I didn't want to either, but now looking back, I'm sure glad I did. After all, we sure wouldn't want to be put in a NASCAR racecar in the Daytona 500 for our first ever driving experience.

 

Well, now that I've beaten that horse to death, I'm glad to have you here!

 

Happy sailing, lots of love, and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

 

PS: Thanks for your service!