In Need Of Your Insight.

[Guest Kerasa]

Sometimes I have to keep my male side and female side from going at each other's throats for total dominance, or mabye it depends on the situation. Before finding this forum I classified myself as a non-sexual, completely void of gender(even though I am genetic male) and sexuality because I'm not one to leap up to any and every drink and be "merry" parties. I still stay with the parents anyway, so no parties(one upside is the fact that I'm the only computer literate one in my family). Society has sorted and sorted what kind of person can do, wear, or look this way and that way; it is annoying. And I know they're not done yet, I'm pretty good at dressing to match my inward self. Its just that some things could tip the scale either way: people I exchange witty remarks with on an intelligent level, running into an old friend who still has a crush on me(female or male, regardless I turn them down, I value friendship more), the way I am quick to defend someone (whenever it has to do with gender or sexuality) without half a clue of who they are, etc. I need an outside looking in opinion, any advice?

[Sally]

I don't know how this slipped so far down without any responses - we have a pretty goo group of Androgyne here.

I am not sure how to balance all of this male and female genders without losing control.

It is a different condition from mine, but I'll post this and someone might take a look as it moves it up in the recent posts area.

Love ya,

Sally

[Paula ult]

Kerasa, from what you describe it sounds like you are asexual, that means you like people as friends but have no sexual feelings for either gender, i lived 57 years with these feelings and only in the last year or so found out there was a name for it.

Paula

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Androgyne maybe like Sally and Paula say? Your avatar shows that - but I am not sure it represents you.

I am pure MTF and I don't want to keep much of my male characteristics, NONE of the physical ones if I can help it. Sexually? Conservative and booooring!

Outside looking in opinion?

I think you already know the key here is finding yourself. If you 'self' is dual to the extent one side sometimes dominates the other, then you are on a roller coster ride. I had that but lost it years ago when I took a poll with two people participating, me and me. 'I' won - the two me's went away.

I am who I am and what I want to be. If I want to wear my men's Crocs, women's capris. halter top, men's denim shirt over, lipstick and earrings (kind of my favorite get-up). I do so.

But where I am presenting male my force, I lose the capris, put on girl-jeans (not much difference from boy jeans) button up the shirt and take off lipstick. Sometimes I leave the earrngs in sometimes not - depends on how I feel.

If I chose to present female - usually take off the Crocs and let my pretty feet show with sandals. And carry my purse. That's all the cues I need. Oh - also if warm enough I lose the denim shirt.

So that's me.

ANDROGYNOUS by default - but wait - I am not there forever, I am slipping into full womanhood...

So you see - we are all here the same in our gender feelings - but some are transitioning, some are happy to be where they are.

Hope this helps... and I DO think it's better to reconcile your two sides. Just me...

Lizzy

[Guest Kerasa]

My avatar doesn't exactly match(just liked the fashion,which I don't follow closely unless it's so,but I'm pretty sure I'm not asexual. It's just that I've lost the perfect one for me(she was androgyne)already, but that's a long story in itself. I think I've lost quite a bit of talent over the past few years; I use to sing(now my vocal chords are random), I use to draw the clothes I wanted to wear(now I can barely draw at all, I use to be able to spot a bad relationship before getting into it(now I'm cynical and skeptical without remorse whenever the opportunity to start one comes around). I don't even remember how or why it happened,mabye I'm repressing it. Most of my friends are female, there's more civilized conversation to have with them than males (who just jabber about sports and women's certain body parts. Even better I'm not staring at any part of their body when I do conversate(I'm not forcing myself to do so, I'm more interested in the conversation), because of this and other things I can't even relate to my own gender. Not mention I have a bad habit of being honest when it's hurts, but also when it's society awkward. Like for instance, I'm chatting with a group of aquaintances in the mall and one of them shows me a picture of her boyfriend. She asks "what do you think?",I say he's cute 'cause he is, and I get "Are you bi?" from the geeks "Are you gay?Ugh." from the males "I didn't want to say anything before but you're cute." from the nerds "If only you didn't have a......" from the lesbians and the famous pull to the side and "You want to go out?" from an emo. So when I show I'm not a find-a-mate driven animal, I'm being eyed up like sirloin to lions(by all kinds). Those that don't are alright with just being friends. I rather not sort people like mail, and hang out among the outcast(It's a heck of a lot more welcoming than society). I'm like this, when I like someone I like them but I constantly keep putting the trap door under them with the trigger button ready in case they're no good or they're looking at me as an experiment. I have trouble putting my heart on the line, love has changed more meanings on me than soda flavors. I can't stand guys even though I'm genetic male(my parents where expecting a girl though, but as I said, long story), can't go higher than friendship with women because of a lost love that has been forced to forget about me( as I have of her, or have I?). I don't know. I feel some times and then other times.

[Guest mia 1]

Hi Kerasa I am an androgen also and so often I feel that duality pulling me from one gender to the next...I have been struggling with t his for quite a while..At times in my life I have sublimated the female side...but it always comes roaring back and when that happens I revel in the glory of femininity.

This is something we are born with so transiting for us is not the answer,,we also enjoy our masculinity,,and feel comfortable in that "skin" a portion of the time...

So as my dear friend tole me "You are what you are." and be happy with that..I mentioned that quote to my therapist and he thought that was spot on advice.....

I have to run now but I am going to add you to my friends list and send you as personal message later today..

So wonderful to meet you and welcome to our community.

In androgynous sister/brotherhood...Mia

[Guest androgynous]

My avatar doesn't exactly match(just liked the fashion,which I don't follow closely unless it's so,but I'm pretty sure I'm not asexual. It's just that I've lost the perfect one for me(she was androgyne)already, but that's a long story in itself. I think I've lost quite a bit of talent over the past few years; I use to sing(now my vocal chords are random), I use to draw the clothes I wanted to wear(now I can barely draw at all, I use to be able to spot a bad relationship before getting into it(now I'm cynical and skeptical without remorse whenever the opportunity to start one comes around). I don't even remember how or why it happened,mabye I'm repressing it. Most of my friends are female, there's more civilized conversation to have with them than males (who just jabber about sports and women's certain body parts. Even better I'm not staring at any part of their body when I do conversate(I'm not forcing myself to do so, I'm more interested in the conversation), because of this and other things I can't even relate to my own gender. Not mention I have a bad habit of being honest when it's hurts, but also when it's society awkward. Like for instance, I'm chatting with a group of aquaintances in the mall and one of them shows me a picture of her boyfriend. She asks "what do you think?",I say he's cute 'cause he is, and I get "Are you bi?" from the geeks "Are you gay?Ugh." from the males "I didn't want to say anything before but you're cute." from the nerds "If only you didn't have a......" from the lesbians and the famous pull to the side and "You want to go out?" from an emo. So when I show I'm not a find-a-mate driven animal, I'm being eyed up like sirloin to lions(by all kinds). Those that don't are alright with just being friends. I rather not sort people like mail, and hang out among the outcast(It's a heck of a lot more welcoming than society). I'm like this, when I like someone I like them but I constantly keep putting the trap door under them with the trigger button ready in case they're no good or they're looking at me as an experiment. I have trouble putting my heart on the line, love has changed more meanings on me than soda flavors. I can't stand guys even though I'm genetic male(my parents where expecting a girl though, but as I said, long story), can't go higher than friendship with women because of a lost love that has been forced to forget about me( as I have of her, or have I?). I don't know. I feel some times and then other times.

I totally "get" you. Few will ever understand it without being it. I had it a few weeks ago, I just went to a gay bar (not looking) but I find those people more, how do you say, more comfortable with me, or I find myself comfortable with them because of the lower "maleness" and stuff. I explicitly said that i was androgynous and just in for a couple good chats, even they couldn't understand it and ended up being hit on all night. Let alone sitting in a straight bar, where things get even more complex.

And yes I feel the two switch constantly inside of me. One moment I wrap a new bracelet on my wrist and feeling sick about having body hair all over the place, next thing I know I feel sick about doing my nails and rub it off again, only after 10 minutes when I polish my nails again. That is my daily routine, it actually never ceases to stay in a center, probably due to the uncomfortableness.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Sometimes I think it is easier for me (bonified MTF transsexual) than it is for someone androgyne. I mean, I have a direction and a goal in mind. I want to transition, fit in, live a female life - end of story.

Well, not really end of story - i still carry a huge load of baggage. But you know what I mean.

And I want to be loved, like you do. For youself - whatever you are...

So there you are - and I mean you are somwhere in the middle of things, and I know because I am there right now - people look, am I male or am I female? Neither? Both?

But my condition is temporary - the HRT marches on - the electrolysis does it's magic, I get better at my new gender life and the pendelum swings.

So Mia is one of my dearest friends. She and I have long conversatins. She has taught me I have a define feminine side to my femaleness. I have taught her she has a definate femaleness in her androgynous, not femininity alone. We do well - we are kindred - but she begs me to never leave her after I transition! My goodness, like asking your mother to not forget you after you move off to college.

She has it down - we worked a long time on this:

Like her, like me: You are okay - perfectly fine - being what you are. It's a time to start loving yourself - I mean you are one heck of a person - we ALL are! No one I know in the non-gynder dysphoric community has ever had the life experience we have had - and we survive - and we actually thrive! Amazing!

It tain't easy... in fact it's rather HARD to be like we are. But we do it - and we know both worlds of gender - both worlds of living, and loving, and learning and living large.

So don't give up on love - I mean - LOVE YOURSELF, at least. The proper people, friends, lovers, partners.... all will flock to you ..

Just my opinion.

Lizzy

[Sally]

Your path is an interesting one to me, I admit that I can't imagine balancing both genders, but a very happy and I would have to say well centered friend of mine - Mia - manages this balancing act with an amazing ease and a free spirit.

The freee spirit is the key - if your spirit can not settle into one or the other it maus stay in both or neither and you are in both of those catagories.

Your spirit is dancing on a tghtrope and is at its very best when in the middle and feeling the joy from both sides.

You will, with the help of others here and I would suggest a therapist trained in Gender Identity Issues find your balance and life happily on that tightrope, because it is your comfort zone and where you want to be.

Good luck on your journey of self discovery and know that while I feel comfortable in a single gender, I am like Lizzy going to go through a portinon of my journey where I will pass through a phase of Androgyne and maybe I'll gain more insight - I've spent my time as a cross dresser before I realized that that wasn't me I needed a more permeneant change.

We all have our comfort zone - it may not be the same as anyone else's you ever meet but that doesn't make it wrong, just yours!

Love ya,

Sally