Questioning

[derekatticus]

Hello. I’m new to this website so I’m not completely sure about how all of this works. I made my account a week or two ago and forgot about it until just now. I’m not sure what name to go by but when I made this account I loved the name Derek. I still do, but it doesn’t fit me. I love the name Atticus as well so I just combined them. If you want to address me you can call me Atticus. 

 

Moving along, this might be long so I’ll include a conclusion once I’m done writing it and it’ll be at the bottom in case you don’t want to read all of this. 

 

I was never aware of gender until I was fourteen or fifteen. That might sound a bit late, but I was raised in a gender neutral household. Feminine clothing was forced onto me at a young age. I never liked it and anytime I’d have to wear feminine clothing it almost felt like a costume. As I got older I could stop for my own clothes. I wasn’t allowed to shop in the boys section though so that made it harder to find clothes that I like. I’d pick graphic t-shirts and plain t-shirts. I have flannels but it’s too dang hot to wear those! 

 

As a child I loved cars. I still do love cars. I played with cars and plastic animals instead of dolls. I thought I’d grow a p*nis instead of a v*gina (censoring in case it’s triggering I know it can be for some people). I’m one of the lucky ones though. My breasts are small and I’ll feel disgusted and grossed out by them when I look in the mirror or am wearing a tight shirt. I don’t even wear a bra because that makes me feel worse. I recently tried on a white button up t-shirt and I nearly cried from how happy I felt. I got it a few years ago and I considered that shirt to be masculine since it looks like a dress up shirt for a suit. (Anyone can wear suits though). When I try on feminine clothing I feel sick to my stomach. I shake and just feel sick and disgusted. 

 

I’m extremely dysphoric about my bottom area. I always thought I’d grow a p*nis and when I realized I wouldn’t ... well I felt as if down there was “empty” I’m not sure if that makes sense. I just felt numb about it. I want a male body. I want people to call me a man. I want to be called handsome. I’ll get so anxious about all of this that it gives me chest pains. I’ll cry about it or go numb. I’ll even feel like ending my life at times. 

 

I’m in therapy and have a good support system of friends and a significant other. I’m very thankful for that. I’m just not sure if I actually am a man or if this is ... something else. My brother is trans as well so I’m wondering if it’s possible for siblings to even be trans. I know it’s possible for both to be gay and such, but I haven’t heard of trans siblings. That sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? I guess I’m trying to find reasons as to why I’m not trans. Mainly so that my family won’t treat me the way that they treat my brother and society is scary. And what if i regret it? 

 

This is is a mess. To keep it short, I experience dysphoria, feel like ending my life over it sometimes, was raised in a gender neutral setting, felt like being in girls clothes was like being in a costume, feel confident and happy in men’s clothing, played more with toys for boys as a child, I want the body of a male and to be addressed as male, and I just truly do feel like I am a man. 

 

Thank you for reading this. And if you read it all ... you are amazing! If you didn’t read it all then you’re still amazing. 

[Jani]

Hello Atticus and welcome.  

 

Yes it is entirely possible for siblings to both be transgender, as well as other family members.  I don't know what the connection it (medical, social,...) but it happens.

 

I wouldn't focus on your brother's journey as that is his.  Your story is unique and yours to tell and live.  I hope the therapy is helping you with your dysphoria.   Banish thoughts of ending life.  Life is for living!  Find the path that makes you comfortable, whatever it is.  

 

Cheers,

Jani 

[MaryEllen]

Hello Atticus,

Welcome to TransPulse.   Thank you for sharing with us. Yes, it's very possible for siblings to be trans.  You're questioning your gender. My thought is, be whatever you want to be. It's your life. Live it as you see fit. You don't have to conform to anyone else's opinion. Just be yourself.

 

MaryEllen

[derekatticus]

3 hours ago, Jani said:

Hello Atticus and welcome.  

 

Yes it is entirely possible for siblings to both be transgender, as well as other family members.  I don't know what the connection it (medical, social,...) but it happens.

 

I wouldn't focus on your brother's journey as that is his.  Your story is unique and yours to tell and live.  I hope the therapy is helping you with your dysphoria.   Banish thoughts of ending life.  Life is for living!  Find the path that makes you comfortable, whatever it is.  

 

Cheers,

Jani 

Thank you very much for your response. I believe everyone’s journey is different, but I get bothered when I can’t relate to things that seem to be common with anyone who is trans. Like how they just knew that they were trans. I never experienced that. Or how it was so easy for them to accept it. I’m so glad that they accepted it though and didn’t struggle for years with it. I just wish that could be the case for me. There are others out there who are like me though and hopefully in the future I can help those who are struggling to come to terms with who they are. Maybe my story will appeal to others and they’ll be going through what I was. 

Thank you for replying. It means a lot. 

[derekatticus]

3 hours ago, MaryEllen said:

Hello Atticus,

Welcome to TransPulse.   Thank you for sharing with us. Yes, it's very possible for siblings to be trans.  You're questioning your gender. My thought is, be whatever you want to be. It's your life. Live it as you see fit. You don't have to conform to anyone else's opinion. Just be yourself.

 

MaryEllen

It’d be easier if I lived in a supportive household. I am planning on moving within the next year though. I’ll for sure be able to feel more comfortable within the upcoming year. Thank you for your reply. 

[Jani]

23 hours ago, derekatticus said:

Like how they just knew that they were trans. I never experienced that. Or how it was so easy for them to accept it.

Easily understanding one is trans is not a common experience from my reading and talking to others.  For some yes, but many come to understand it in other ways and after a long time.  I knew I was different, at a young age but never connected all the dots until much, much later in life.  Once I did it was like being hit by a freight train.  I was relieved to know what I was experiencing yet acceptance was a little hard to come by, since I was older and have a long family history to consider. I wasn't sure I could actually do this, the transition thing.  I sought a counselor who was instrumental in helping and guiding me, at my pace.  It was the best decision I made in the beginning of my journey.  

 

While I didn't struggle to come to terms with who I was.  But I did struggle coming to terms with being who I was.  Needless to say I got through it all and am a better person for it.  It seems nothing in life that's good appears to come easy.  Work for what you want and you will achieve it. 

 

Jani