Im pretty sure I'm trans but I'm scared, lost, and need advice

[hmillerrr]

Hi. I'm a senior in high school and recently it's almost like I've had an epiphany that I am trans but at the same time it's not an epiphany. Growing up I couldn't separate my body from how I felt. I just grew up and felt like a boy. It was kind of like I am a boy? Why are u asking if I am a boy or a girl? My mom and Dad even sat me down to talk about it. And about a year or two after that talk I presented as girly and even had a few school yard "boyfriends." And I think that's where my confusion comes in ( 8 years later) because for the past 8 years I've identified as a lesbian and I cut my hair short to stop feeling like someone in between but it only made it worse. I'm asking myself if this somewhat "epiphany" came about because of the repression I've taken part in since the talk I had with my parents as a child. I guess I just need advice on whether or not it was something I did as a child and that's why I've identified as female or if I thought that was the only option. Also I've never had dysphoria (or at least not until very recently)... I don't know. I'm just scared for so many reasons... Thank you to anyone who takes the time to ease my mind. Truly.

[hmillerrr]

3 hours ago, MaryMary said:

Hi, your story is similar to a lot of trans*. There's all sorts of way to cope with being trans* as a child. Some are really self affirming and will say it right away, some are afraid and will keep it to themselves, some will show it in some way but people around them will not be knowledgable enough to understand what could be happening.

 

I suggest seeing a gender therapist to talk about this stuff. They can help you a lot trough this confusion. Another good thing that you will often read here too is to take it slowly, one step at a time. In your situation it can help a lot to make little baby steps to learn more about what you like, what makes you feel better and all this stuff.

 

Transgender was not a word that existed back in the days when I was young. I always knew I think. I was the little trans girl that thinks his penis will fall off and that have a hard time understanding that little boy are supposed to act a certain way. That made me an odd person where I come from, lol.

 

I've understood I had to do something about it because I was suicidal and was in a depression for 20 years. But, there I was, with 2 very young children. I had to take care of my health and be there for them. I almost instinctivelly knew what I wanted to do. I did all the steps, came out to everybody at the same time. I went all in right away. It's not the best strategy for everybody. That's why we always say to do things at your own rythm.

 

People understand they are trans* at every ages I think. No story is the only good one. Your story is as valid as anyone else's. You just have to discover it by yourself.

 

it's normal to be scared. It's very scary in the beginning because self discovery, especially for a trans* person, is a complicated and is a huge undertaking.

 

good luck

 

 

Thank you so so much Mary. I admire your strength and courage. This means so much to me. I'm glad u found ur peace. I think your right I think it's a good step. Im too scared to ask my parents but In the future I definitely want to look into that. Thank you again

[Lexi]

There are a lot of commonalities in our stories but the one I find surfaces the most is "wish I had done something sooner... " 

 

If these feelings exist in you it is better to explore this part of you as much as you can. We owe it to ourselves to be the best version of us we can be. We deserve the happiness that comes with the feeling of being complete. There will always be obstacles to tempt us into being scared, people we worry won't understand or that we may have to leave behind but, the other story I see as often as "wish I had done something sooner..." is "I've never been happier and more comfortable with myself." 

 

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Neale Donald Walsch
 

Lexi, 

 xoxo

[hmillerrr]

11 hours ago, Lexi said:

There are a lot of commonalities in our stories but the one I find surfaces the most is "wish I had done something sooner... " 

 

If these feelings exist in you it is better to explore this part of you as much as you can. We owe it to ourselves to be the best version of us we can be. We deserve the happiness that comes with the feeling of being complete. There will always be obstacles to tempt us into being scared, people we worry won't understand or that we may have to leave behind but, the other story I see as often as "wish I had done something sooner..." is "I've never been happier and more comfortable with myself." 

 

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Neale Donald Walsch
 

Lexi, 

 xoxo

This means the absolute world to me. I talked to my parents about my feelings and though it didn't go as well as I wanted it to, this post and u were in the back of my head reminding myself to be brave. You're right I DO owe this to myself and I'm not apologizing to anyone. Thank you so much Lexi.

[Jani]

On 8/25/2018 at 10:16 PM, hmillerrr said:

for the past 8 years I've identified as a lesbian and I cut my hair short to stop feeling like someone in between but it only made it worse.

So it seems you've presented as a butch lesbian which I can see would cause confusion and frustration.  So you grew up feeling like and thinking you were a boy.  OK.  Now you're older and the feeling is still there.  OK.  So maybe its not a phase.

 

And you maybe packed these feelings away due to this "talk" with your folks. 

On 8/25/2018 at 10:16 PM, hmillerrr said:

the repression I've taken part in since the talk I had with my parents as a child.

And you "chose" a different path (lesbian) but it's not working for you.  I suppose its time to look into being who you really are.  A point of reference, I thought I was a crossdresser for years despite the dissatisfaction with it.   As Mary noted the word Transgender wasn't spoken when I was younger (and I"m older than she is!).  It wasn't in any books I saw in my college library, and I read them all.  

 

TL:DR Please seek out the guidance of a good gender therapist.  There is no test for being transgender, its just how we feel.  You may decide social or medical transition is, or isn't for you.  You can decide.   Since you're still home and in school and on your parents insurance they need to know you want to talk to an expert.  They don't need to know the extent of your conversations.  Unless of course they are supportive of your choice. 

 

Hugs,

Jani

[hmillerrr]

6 minutes ago, Jani said:

So it seems you've presented as a butch lesbian which I can see would cause confusion and frustration.  So you grew up feeling like and thinking you were a boy.  OK.  Now you're older and the feeling is still there.  OK.  So maybe its not a phase.

 

And you maybe packed these feelings away due to this "talk" with your folks. 

And you "chose" a different path (lesbian) but it's not working for you.  I suppose its time to look into being who you really are.  A point of reference, I thought I was a crossdresser for years despite the dissatisfaction with it.   As Mary noted the word Transgender wasn't spoken when I was younger (and I"m older than she is!).  It wasn't in any books I saw in my college library, and I read them all.  

 

TL:DR Please seek out the guidance of a good gender therapist.  There is no test for being transgender, its just how we feel.  You may decide social or medical transition is, or isn't for you.  You can decide.   Since you're still home and in school and on your parents insurance they need to know you want to talk to an expert.  They don't need to know the extent of your conversations.  Unless of course they are supportive of your choice. 

 

Hugs,

Jani

Thank you so so much Jani. I've started talking small steps like using he/him pronouns as of today just to test the waters and I think gender therapy would be a really great start. Thank you for your support and help