My gender identifications problem

[Nevada]

Hi, I’m Nevada and I’m 19 years old. Biologically a female, but I’m not sure, I’m a girl in mind.

 

It all started at age 6-7. I’ve always been a tomboy, I used to shop at the male’s section and hated all the girly stuff. My parents always wanted me to be more feminine, but I just wasn’t. I liked all the boy’s stuff, playing with the trucks, being out with other boys and getting dirty all the time. I always hated that some boys just couldn’t accept me as a playmate because I’m a girl. I always hated this feeling. I dreamt about being a boy and (I even had some strange dreams about having a male genital and I just felt happy with it.)

At age 11-12 I just wanted to convince myself to be a girl, because biologically I’m a girl and I can’t change it. I tried to be an average girl. I tried to date boys even had some boyfriends but I always felt a little strange. 
At primary school I was a little chubby, so the kids always made fun of me and called me very insulting names. I think I had a little depression as well, but my parents were my backup so I could move on. Idk, could this stressful period of life cause this gender identification? I mean, there were more boys then girls accepting me as a chubby girl, so I basically socialized as a boy. Is it a Dysphoria or just a bad thought?

There’s one thing, why I’m unsure, what gender I really am: I don’t really like people of the same sex. I saw many videos of trans people, who had struggles with crushes of the same gender, being lesbian/gay before coming out..but I don’t have it. I just want to be a boy, treat girls like they should/want to be treated. To be the guy, who I always imagined I want to be. I had so many thought, either I could love a girl or not. As a boy, I think I could..maybe.
I’ve always been jealous of the suits my classmates wore. I always hated skirts and the feminine shirts and high heels. I tried to wear a pantsuit as much as I could, but my  form-teacher forced every girl to wear skirts  
In February I had a few illnesses discovered. I have insulin resistance, PCOS, and hypothyroidism. Only the PCOS has something to do with my gender identifications problem. Because of the PCOS I had/have increased level of testosterone and I have a really few facial hair and acne. My doctor told me, that it could begin at age of 14-15..so my puberty. At least,I  finally knew why my voice was way deeper than the average girls. I think, it just helped my dysphoria to develop. 
 I always had this desire of being a boy, but this year it got stronger and stronger and I became unsure, who I really am. I’m afraid of not being accepted because I live in a post-soviet country. I can’t talk to any psychologist because I’m likely to end up in a psychiatry. There is one thing I’m sure: I’m not crazy. I’m just uncertain what gender I really am and I just really need help but at the present, I can’t get any professional help.
There is one last thing why I’m afraid of these thoughts: My parents. They always wanted to have a girl, they are/were so happy about me. They were always a backup and I don’t want to disappoint them. They do not really accept these LGBT things so that’s why I’m really-really confused and afraid of even thinking about this trans thing. 

How would you solve this stressful situation when I don’t even know who I am.. ?

 

Thanks for reading and I would be thankful if you could tell me your opinion in the comments section  
 

[VickySGV]

Just now, Nevada said:

Is it a Dysphoria or just a bad thought?

 

I do not know about the Dysphoria, that is something you and a therapist who is familiar with gender diversity issues, but it is by no means a bad thought, although it is disquieting.  I have many Non-Binary gender friends of both sexes and none are stereotypical of their birth assigned genders to any degree.  It is a wild bunch where sometimes they go and have fun with and as either gender for certain things.

 

3 minutes ago, Nevada said:

I have insulin resistance, PCOS, and hypothyroidism. Only the PCOS has something to do with my gender identifications problem. Because of the PCOS I had/have increased level of testosterone and I have a really few facial hair and acne.

 

The PCOS is going to be a deal breaker on some of this.  Not to scare you, but two members of a support group I am in both had it and theirs resulted in their having hysterectomy's, so they can no longer have children from their own bodies.  Both of them do fit the masculine physical type more than female and havw facial hair and jaw features, and surprisingly, both have Insulin Resistant Diabetes which they have been told has some relation that no one has really figured out yet. 

 

That is just something to think about and fit in to your questioning.   Whether Non-Bianary or Trans this is still a good place for you.  Welcome.

 

 

[Jani]

Hello Nevada!  

I understand your trepidation with speaking to your parents about this in a deeper way but they sound supportive of you and must have noticed your trending towards masculinity.  It may not be a surprise to them.  I understand your fear of therapy due to your location but with your parents support and guidance you should be able to find a good counselor that will help.  As Vicky says PCOS is a big deal and may affect your outcome.  It really needs to be managed along with frequently co-occurring diabetes.   

 

Thanks for joining us.  This is a long process, not a quick decision and move on.  I wish you well. 

 

Jani