Girl mode goes out in public just for fun for the first time !

[jae bear]

Well, I know the title says first time but I’ve been out in public a lot in girl mode, however it’s typically to the local LGBTQ center group meetings or my Kaiser trans support group, not typically just out for no good reason.  I’ve also been at work several times in girl mode, usually on the days that group meetings are occurring but sometimes otherwise just because I felt like it. 

Last night was different, a friend of mine wanted some help cleaning a carpet, so I threw my carpet cleaner in the back of my minivan, scooted up to her place and helped her clean the carpet in one room.  Initially I thought ‘oh my goodness I’m going to get sweaty,’ but I have been on medication to reduce the hyperhidrosis issue I have and it does seem to be working even if it gives me a rather dry mouth and towards the evening a dry throat which does not help with maintaining one’s pitch.  Since my friend had mentioned that she was itching to get out and see a movie I thought it was a great excuse to do something fun after a hard week of work.

Of course as I was getting ready at home I was going to wash my hair and face, change my clothes and freshen up before heading over to my friends place, then all a sudden I realized I was preparing myself in girl mode, so I thought, “oh well“ she must want to go to the movie too!  I didn’t really want to be late so I threw on my quickest makeup, which by the way wasn’t bad, and out the door I went, rolled the windows down in my minivan and used the 30 minute drive as a blow drying session. I got to her place grabbed my purse got my little steam cleaner and headed straight to her door, she was opening the door and had a concerned look on her face  as she looked at me walking up and I thought, uh oh... Maybe she doesn’t like my girl mode.  To my surprise she said “oh my God“,  with her mouth wide open, then she said “I didn’t recognize you at all, I thought you were a neighbor of mine“, and we laughed about it a little bit. I went to clean the carpet and she was going to do a few other chores before we headed out, That room had ceiling to floor closet doors that were mirrors, and honestly even I didn’t recognize the girl standing there in that mirror, my friend came in to see how the carpet cleaner worked, and started talking about how skinny I am, which is total garbage because I’m not skinny, 5’9” and 185 pounds isn’t exactly skinny but we both realized looking in this mirror that my shape is no longer masculine whatsoever, And that even at these early stages of transition it was only going to get better.  So I felt pretty good cleaning the carpet, occasionally seeing that girl in the mirror still took me by surprise every time. 

 We finished up and I fixed my face before we headed out, realizing I forgot the right color lipstick so I borrowed one of her’s. We decided to grab some Mediterranean wraps and we split a couple of different types so we could have some variety and they were absolutely delicious. Afterward we sat outside for a little while waiting to go into the theater and just talked about things in general, honestly I try these days not to make the topic always about myself but for whatever reason people keep pulling it back in, or sometimes I do it, but we got talking about transition and gender related things again. She then made an observation that I was a bit more girly than she was, and of course I thought she meant my make up and I told her I had things to hide and make up was my friend...  but she corrected me and said that’s not what she meant, it was the way I moved, the way I sat, The way I held myself and more importantly the way I interacted with my friends and communicated, then she said “it’s so clear who you’re supposed to be”.

 The two of us headed into the theater, she got a couple free tickets so it didn’t cost us a dime ! We decided to see this thing called Happytime murders, about the gritty universe of the behind the scenes Jim Henson Muppets, Melissa McCarthy was in it so I thought it would be very funny. OK I’m gonna warn you now, do not go see this movie, after the first 15 minutes we decided we needed to leave and go see whatever else was playing, it was just one bad dirty joke after another, relentless terrible humor, and I of course I personally think the Muppets are adorable so I couldn’t figure out who decided this raunchy dirty unrelenting bad joke was a good movie ?

 It was getting really late and we were both tired but we had a good time watching another movie called searching, it was a tense thriller, it was about a father and a daughter finding one another again  after a great personal loss so I really was captivated by the whole thing.

My friend drove us back to her place and I picked up my minivan  to head home after saying goodnight, and we both made the observation that no one at all the entire evening took any notice of me whatsoever, and she said “you should ditch boy mode, you get noticed way too much, your girl mode blends in perfectly, she should be permanent”.

 I agree with her completely, and day by day, boy mode is dissolving, and will eventually completely disappear. I’m going out with another friend on Sunday,  he hasn’t seen me in years, I wonder if he will recognize the girl that shows up to meet him? 

 Hugs, 

Jackie

 

[SugarMagnolia]

❤️

I love your updates, Jackie! Glad that things are going so well for you. You deserve it!

[Jani]

6 hours ago, jae bear said:

...then she said “it’s so clear who you’re supposed to be”.

Well, well, well!   This, and seeing the woman in the mirror; now you're finally getting it.  Time to move onward.  I'm glad you had a good time.  Sometimes we need to get out and do things for ourselves.  It sounds like this friend is a keeper! 

Hugs, Jani

[Charlize]

Thanks for sharing your positive journey.  It's great when we see the woman we are in the mirror.  At the same time that ability to blend in with others of our gender is an even bigger step.  I'm guessing that soon you will realize you've been simply living as yourself with no thought of difference.  I remember one day, when presenting as a woman,  that i hadn't thought of myself as trans for a day of interaction in a large group.  A dream had come true.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Cyndee]

Very nice story Jackie, so happy for you

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

[jae bear]

10 hours ago, Jani said:

It sounds like this friend is a keeper! 

 She sure is Jani!

 

 Well, my iPhone alarm has gone off, I’m about to take my vitamins and routine morning pills, followed by getting myself ready for going out all day as myself.  I will be meeting with an old friend this morning for breakfast ( even though I’ll probably just have a salad )  and he has no idea what I’m about to tell him, but I suppose the minute I tap his shoulder he might take a wild guess.  I really have no trepidation of meeting him today, he’s a sweetheart, and spent nearly 20 years as a hard-core Rocky horror picture show reenactor, and I guarantee you he spent that reenacting career in fishnets.  I’ve tried really hard not to spill the beans to him, I sometimes fantasize about waiting until after FFS to really knock his boots off, but I know it’s unrealistic to wait another year and a half before I see him. So I’m about to roll off my bed, stop writing this post, and start my morning routine... After meeting with him this morning I will be heading out with friends to a winery where there will be live music playing and a bottle of something pink on our table with a few wine glasses and a couple decks of cards for us all.  I plan on having a really good time!

[Kirsten]

What a great story Jackie. I love those days. When everything just clicks and you just feel like yourself. That’s when all of this work really pays off. The feeling of just being yourself and living how you feel comfortable. No smoke and mirrors. Just you out with whomever. It’s such a beautiful feeling. Add to that your friends comment of validation and wow! What a great feeling!! 

So happy for you! 

Kirsten 

[Julie J]

I'm so happy for you Jackie! I remember the first time I was with a friend, sitting at sidewalk patio having coffee. The sun was shining, a cooling breeze was wafting lightly through the shade trees leaves and I was watching the world walk past with no one paying notice to the two ladies sitting and chatting. My friend looked at me and broke into a tremendous smile then remarked how happy I looked. She said she couldn't believe how comfortable and relaxed I was being myself... She made my day! If you're ever reading this Natalie, thank you for helping me have one of the nicest memories so far as I transition. ?

Hugs & Smiles 

Julie J 

[BrandiBri]

Jackie , I'm so happy for you. I agree that it is wonderful to just be yourself. This morning I went to church and a lovely lady came up to me before the service and we chatted for a couple minutes. We ended up sitting together and I told her how old I am, then added that we girls aren't supposed to tell our age. We had a good laugh at that. It was nice to be so comfortable that I actually forgot that I am trans.

[Julie J]

That's so lovely BrandiBri. It warms my heart to hear stories like yours. Gives me a good feeling about myself to know others can accept us for us. 

Hugs & Smiles 

Julie J 

[tracy_j]

Lovely experience Jackie, so nice to hear.

 

It's nice to chat Brandi. That is one thing I love about women. Somehow the male chat thing seems so shallow to me.

 

Tracy

[jae bear]

 So the short lead into all of this is I had an amazing day yesterday, I can’t imagine it being any better than it could’ve been ...  

 

On my way to the only good Denny’s in town ( I know, an oxymoron to be sure )  I saw my friend walking along the sidewalk a block and a half away from final destination. I smiled as I drove past in my little green minivan and thought about stopping to pick him up but I didn’t want to ruin the surprise that early. I pulled in, found some parking, grabbed my purse and  walked in to be greeted by the front desk staff, it was pretty busy, and very loud, I probably should’ve suggested a quieter place, but there was one booth open so I headed for it, sat down, and grabbed my phone  to use as a mirror with the front facing camera and teased my hair into submission with my fingertips.  

I saw him walking around looking for me at the tables, he did a perimeter sweep and walked right past me, and I giggled a little wondering if I should grab him by the arm. He wandered back-and-forth twice more looked right at me and walked away again, OK it’s official he doesn’t recognize me. Finally I see him standing there surveying everyone sitting at their tables, so I took pity on him and turned  so I could wave at him, he looked at me and then looked behind himself as if he thought maybe I was trying to get someone else’s attention, and then I did giggle because I realized he still didn’t recognize me, and finally I started giving him the come here now sign with my fingertip Which made him furrow his brow in confusion as he started making his way towards me. You could see the gears turning in his head, It was so cute it was hilarious, then he got it, and his jaw dropped, then his arms flew out to give me a big hug. I forgot how tall he was, I felt tiny getting hugged by this giant, he stepped back looked me up and down and still couldn’t believe his eyes, and he decided he needed to give me another hug so again I was locked in this giants embrace realizing what a wonderful friend I have.  We sat down and dispensed with the regular greetings, and I asked him “you can tell things are different... I changed my hairstyle, what do you think of that?“ And it took him a second to process this and he burst out laughing  and said “yes I noticed your hair is different”! 

We talked about a lot of different things and I asked how he and his wife were doing, we really didn’t dive directly into the whole transgender topic, glancing against it here in there... Then after 15 minutes or so he politely asked if he could pose some questions and I said “of course, that’s why were here”. He was very nice, asked the usual expected questions and a few I hadn’t thought of before,  he told me he had never suspected I harbored this burden, but was glad to see I found a way to just be myself. He told me how he had no idea who I was when he saw me, and he wasn’t sure if it was the massive weight loss or the girlish figure, but he said if it wasn’t for the remaining aspects of my facial features he would not have recognized me whatsoever, I told him I actually thought about waiting until after facial surgery so that easily recognizable feature wouldn’t even be available and we laughed and laughed. I managed to finally go through the basic rundown, I knew since I was four, learn about transition at 17, earnestly prepared to transition at 29, felt cured for a year and a half when I got married, and the downward spiral after the motorcycle accident that led me to start transition 18 months back ... He was captivated, and put some of the pieces together knowing he had witnessed a few things along the way over the years that he had no idea where causing me so much grief.  Most of our conversation was just that, catching up, talking about work, updating about family, and just getting to know one another again, and of course there was some talk of myself and of transition but it was mixed in with everything else and we had a really good time sitting there those two hours.  He needed to get on to talk with his dad and brother at home so we said goodbye and walked out to pay the bill, he wouldn’t let me pay, and he held the door for me, he really is a sweetheart and a good man if ever there was one. He used correct pronouns the entire time,  he changed my information on his cell phone to my correct name, and he asked about permission to tell other people, I told him “of course, honesty is really the only thing I ask of others.   “ I then humorously poked at him saying he hadn’t paid me any compliments yet, so he tripped over his own words telling me how nice I looked, and I’ve never seen him struggle like that with anyone except other females !  As I drove back home I think I smiled the whole way, it was so good to see my friend again even if he could just barely see me, but next time I’m sure he’ll recognize me if I get to the restaurant first.

Hugs,

Jackie

[Kylie]

Jackie,

 

Love this! I can't wait for the day I can do this! I am actually going to Pride near me in a little over a week and plan on going with friends from work and will be going as my true self! I am super nervous, but so excited that I am finally going to reveal myself to my friends (they know I am transitioning, they just haven't met her yet in person). I have been on hormone therapy for almost 5 weeks now, and people started telling me the other night they can see how my persona is changing and how much happier I am, even was told that my features seem to be softening up some. I can tell something is different for sure, but I can't exactly put my finger on it. Just like they said to me, something has changed, they can't decide what it is either. 

 

So happy for you and hope I can have stories like this to come!

 

Well Wishes,

 

Kylie

[Jani]

Very nice Jackie!  He sounds like a good guy.  

 

But see, you don't need FFS.  You may want to do a thing or two but need?  I don't think so.  There was proof today with someone who should have seen you! 

Jani 

[jae bear]

 I almost forgot to share a picture of my friend, he felt compelled to take a selfie of us outside the restaurant before we left, so I obliged and showed him how to hold the camera nice and high at a complementary angle for most girls, and he laughed that I had any idea of such things !!!

[tracy_j]

A very complimentary picture Jackie. You look beautiful x I could well see that people would likely see you as a couple there  

 

Tracy

[Charlize]

You look great Jackie!  The smile says so much.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Julie J]

Wow Jackie, I can't believe you want to do anything with your pretty face. You look lovely and so happy. You inspire me Jackie. Thanks for your continuing updates! 

Hugs & Smiles 

Julie J 

[Jani]

That smile says it all Jackie.  Your hairstyle is very complementary. Love it.

 

Jani

[BrandiBri]

Love the picture, Jackie! You really are beautiful. I'm glad that you had such a good time and that your friend is so accepting.

 

Hugs, Brandi

[Kirsten]

Looking good girl! 

[jae bear]

 Oh my gosh you girls are the best, thank you so much for the wonderful compliments ?

 I really had a wonderful time with him, and he was being such a goofball trying to find somewhere that had the right lighting and no direct sunlight, something green in the background, obliging my wish to hold the camera really high, all those things. I’ve known him for a very long time,  and since he’s somewhat involved in entertainment and is a performer himself, his unedited reactions are always priceless!

[SugarMagnolia]

That is a great pic, Jackie! And I'm amazed at how much it resembles the photoshopped one you had as an avatar for a while. Dreams becoming reality!

Glad the experience was a good one. ❤️

[jae bear]

 Thank you girls for all the compliments it means the world to me! I’m having so much fun just being myself now I can’t get over myself ! I have some great friends and we have a very busy social schedule these days, which admittedly has kept me out so late I haven’t been posting very much. I went out with a friend to Jack London Square where we played a huge game of Jenga and a little ski ball then ate at a place called Scott’s and shared a couple plates of salad and calamari. By the time I typically get home honestly I’m wiped out, so we typically save Fridays for the girls to go out, that we have the weekend to recover!

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

 PS, the monster size game of Jenga in this photo is the one I lost, somebody strategized how to leave me one piece that could never be removed at the bottom, you can see it’s pulled out halfway and there is nothing that could be done to save this game, and I threatened to pull it really fast but I think it would’ve endangered everybody’s life !

[Jani]

I just googled Jack London Square.  It looks like a fun place.   If you're going to wiped out at the end of the evening, at least have fun doing it!  ?

 

Jani