Changing my name...

[Cthorne]

As you can guess from the title I am officially changing my name on Friday. 

 

The reason I am posting this is because I feel conflicted. I was all for it last month.. I couldn't wait lol I was telling anyone that would listen and my friends and co-workers keep asking when is it going to happen. But now I find myself uneasy... A thought popped into my head the other day and its left this feeling that I can't get rid of.

 

I'm very close to my family and it hit me that my mother gave me my name and I've been this person all my life... I just feel like I'm throwing everything back in my mother's face like changing my name is saying I hated everything about before me and that my mother will think that I hate her or abandoning her or something (I get the feeling this doesn't make sense.) 

 

I wanna be happy with the name change I really do I can feel the happiness and excitement but I won't let myself enjoy it because of the guilt I feel because I'm changing my name.

 

I guess my question is... Did anyone else feel like this? How did you deal with it? Should I not change my name? My friend said they felt the same way when they changed theirs but once it was done they felt amazing and even cried a little but they don't have the same relationship with their family like I do mine. 

 

Mine are supportive, they call me CJ and even went to Pride with me, help me get new clothes and if I need anything they are there and will do what ever they can... Whereas my friends family don't care, they still use their old name and make them feel terrible... He wants to run away and never come back so I don't know if he completely how I'm feeling.   

 

Wow... weird little essay there but any help would be so nice.

 

Thanks in advance 

CJ

[Jani]

I think its normal to be a little conflicted about this.  Yes, its a name you were given but it seems your family has accepted who you are.  Have you spoken your mother to ask her thoughts?   

 

I would restate to your friends family what your name is.  If they won't address you correctly, I'm sure you can avoid them if thats what they want.   

 

Jani

[Cthorne]

Everyone is just as excited as I am, they all call me either Callum or CJ. Yesterday I said my old name and it just felt so strange... like theres a distance between me and that name.

 

My mother hasn't said anything negative at all, but then again she hasn't wanted to be around for all the changes.. She wouldn't go with me to get my hair cut for the first time... She told me to set up signing the paper's on Friday even tho I said why not Saturday because everyone is off and she could come with and see our old friends but she said she didn't want too. I mean shes taking the forms tonight to her best friend and my first witness to get them signed.

 

I dunno maybe I'm over thinking this....

[AsTheCrow]

I can totally relate with name turmoil. I am very comfortable with my new name, but I also love my birth name even though it doesn't reflect my gender. My birth name has a lot of family history going back many generations, and I love it.

 

Basically I want to change my name but I also want to keep my old one. Obviously I have come to no conclusions. It's hard.

 

Talking to your fam about your concerns is probably the right move.

[Dev]

This is part of the adjustment some family members have to make.  She knew you as the child she named all your life, and while we all know you're the same person - and I'd bet she does too, deep down - it's still an adjustment.  I'd be willing to bet that's all it is in this case.  You're certainly not throwing anything in her face, you're just becoming yourself in a way no one could have anticipated would be necessary.  It sounds like that's something she understands, even if it's still a bit raw and painful to confront directly.

[Cthorne]

Thank you everyone  

 

We talked today (I got a little emotional) and she said shes good with everything and just wants me to be happy. She also asked me to wait until Saturday so she can be there when everything gets signed... I told her to have the tissues ready lol

 

I just worry about my family so much but I feel so much better knowing shes ok with this, I just need to remember to talk to them about my worries instead of locking it all away like I used to do before coming out.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Cthorne,

My situation may have some similarities. I'm not my birth name, but I don't hate it and will never call it a dead name. I am actually very honored to have been given it. You see, I was given my father's first name, Ronald. My mother's name was Marjory, and I was given the middle name Jory from Marjory. With my name, I carried my mother and father with me, two people I love very dearly. I truly felt honored to carry that name. 

 

But in the end, it just wasn't me. It's the name of a man, and I am not a man. That name of honor was something I had to sacrifice. There is sadness in that, but much more comfort and happiness in being Carla.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

 

 

[Werzle]

I totally get it. I'm at that stage right now too, aggravated by the fact that it was my dad who chose my name and he died earlier this year without me ever having come out to him. I'm also part of a very close and supportive family and in the end I decided to choose a name that is the male equivalent of my current name and has the added advantage of actually shortening to my current name (though with different spelling) so no one even had to remember a new name for me at all. I also put a tonne of research into finding a middle name that would mean something in the same way my current one does but that would reflect my new identity. 

It essentially turned into a moot point however as my nephews (who always called my Tante Lulu, Lulu being the childhood nickname that my sister still uses for me) to Onkle Lu, and so they all just call me Lu now! So after all that worry about choosing a name my family could easily accept they ended up choosing one that meant something to us all anyway

Though admittedly that one is not going to be going on the official documents lol!