I just want to vent.

[ResearchFairy]

I don't like "venting", but I didn't want to do it with anyone I know, and I thought that this would an alright place for it, and sometimes you just gotta, if you will.

Moving on.

 

I sometimes wonder... Uh. "How trans" I am. Bear with me (though I'm sure it's not uncommon). I'm not terribly uncomfortable in my own skin. But then I went swing dancing (which is fun) and as the night went on I became distressed. Besides the awkwardness of it only being my third time, it was a sort of self-loathing. I was seen as a guy. And I hated it, and everything it entailed. Not that I was trying not to be, I don't have that covered yet. But behind my awkward smile (to be dramatic) was ... Discomfort. Pain? Stifling? Something... Which makes me think "Oh yeah, it's enough", but then, when I'm by myself, I don't have nearly that level of discomfort. Though it was worse before I'd accepted it.

 

As an aside, I'd like to thank everyone behind this site. It's good to know that it's here, and the work you put in for ... Thousands? of people is just awesome.

 

I think I had more...

 

I told my mom that night. It took 30-ish minutes. I couldn't even say it out loud. I had to write it down, and even then I could barely show it.

She took it fairly well. She's not sure how she'd handle it if I had a sexchange, but she's all for my happiness as long I'm not raping and pillaging, or doing drugs. None of which I do . So it went over fairly well.

I could never tell my dad though. Super old fashioned, old testament, conservative, paranoid, homophobic, government conspiracy, the perfect blend of "There is no way I could tell you". I wonder if he'd disown me... I might find out! I should write him a letter.

 

Anyway, thank you again to everyone here. Life is what you make it.

 

[Robin]

I am still in the early stages of accepting myself, so I can understand how you feel.  I feel that I need to justify myself if I do anything that would not be considered "normal male behaviour".  If I looked feminine, I could behave in a feminine manner and nobody would question it.

 

I think that these feelings should ease as I get more used to the idea that it is ok to be me, and my self confidence improves.

 

Robin.

[DrumbeatAlex]

I'm still in the early stages of working this stuff out and can relate to your experience. I find it really confusing how dysphoria comes and goes. It makes me question whether what I thought I felt, was actually real and if I'm really trans. Situations that involve gender so obviously (such as partner dancing, public bathrooms, or family members "correcting" strangers on my gender) can be a real pain also.  It's tough knowing people don't see you as you want to be seen. ? I hope you can continue to accept yourself and know that you don't need to hate yourself or feel dysphoric all the time to be trans.

 

Also, my dad sounds quite similar to yours! Government conspiracies and homophobia, plus "traditional" values and a little bit of subconscious sexism thrown into the mix. I have no idea how my dad would react if I came out...probably not well. Your mum sounds nice and accepting though.  Goodluck with your continued journey. We're always here if you need to vent or anything.  

[DenimAndLace]

5 hours ago, ResearchFairy said:

Super old fashioned, old testament, conservative, paranoid, homophobic, government conspiracy, the perfect blend of "There is no way I could tell you". I wonder if he'd disown me... I might find out! I should write him a letter?

 

My advice to you is don't tell him.  At least not yet.  I'd describe my parents the same way you have and when it was time to tell them, it went horribly (as expected) and today I am disowned.  It's a special kind of stress that you don't want to take on unless you absolutely know you HAVE to transition and they WILL figure out what's going on eventually.  You have enough to deal with right now just sorting things out for yourself.  And by-the-way, there are plenty of folks here who don't mind your venting and who would love to help in any way we can.  You're among friends

[Cyndee]

I agree with Denim above, it's like "why go there ?". Ask yourself what purpose would this serve ? Having said that, coming out is a personal decision only you can make. Think about life 5, 10, 20 years into the future, where do you want to be ?

 

C -