Hi.

[elizabeth22]

Okay so when this account was first created, I got tired of all the negative self talk... I mean I understood where my other personality was coming from, but also the stories were mixed up. I don't rememberer nor how to get in touch with Liz''s old aquaontancea besides some of them being conservative and liberal religious both.  But some online bullying occurred and I found myself waking up with games uninstalled, not auto signed into Facebook, and email accounts deleted and a new one.

So in therapy it used to be Legal name & Liz, when the therapist picked up on a personality shift and asked.  I stated that I know that there is a desire to understand everything but it's been hard because of constant bullying that goes back to elementary school of being a heshe.  

Now I understand this vulgur and spiteful word is for boys that were gender indifferent (neutral) ... I don't want to go no further.

So I initially created the start threads hoping my other self wild open up because in spite of seeing a therapist and discovering the spectrum of gender identity and from doing homework... Having a hard time stomaching "I'm a girl".

This was too much of course.  Growing up Mormon.  There was inquiry about dreams and thoughts and all parents did was take to church and annoint and cast demons out.

So between that, bullies, and only finding safety behind mean girls who had no problem beating up boys, life was a bitch.

Heck can call me mean botch too.

Anyhow so since the uptake on gender acceptance was slow, I was nice and let my other self catch up.  

More into today, it's Liz and Steph (Elizabeth & Stephanie).  Now in sessions and crisis teams the big topic because of a life long journey of spite, demoralized and biggotry (causing to spiral and do things that led to being chronically unstable and on SSDI) more recently some have told the more dormant self about merging personalities.

Well of course that was a hell to the no.  She thinks of me that in merging, sense of self would be clashed and would lose self completely to me.

Heck I don't know.

But honestly I'm kinda fretting right now so I decided for the first time identifying myself here and hopefully... Other can help me ( us ). Our.

 

Thank you.

 

~ Steph

[elizabeth22]

And it's been upsetting me because the argument was "no one was willing to see me" but all appointments I setup got cancelled even when I was finally alnowledged as trying to help... But it was I'm not ready yet. It literally took employment harassment and being on a shelter and losing everything once more until Liz finally opened up a bit but still wanted to dodge therapy in hope to retain some sort of social life.

Only to be hurt even more and finally one day I saw in journal. I'm done do what you can to help.

So that's when I helped with doing more account stuff...finding support groups locally in Dallas and found this site through the nice ladies in Dallas.

But then there was an issue about seeing other people that most likely also had similar denial stories on top of an already documented mental illness.

I felt trapped and screwed.

So I was finally happy when finally slowly coming to terms with gender acceptance only to realize why the fears were there.

Being in a group home... House managers I suppose disliked anyone not normal.  So it was the discrimination issue and being once again physically assulared.

So I tried and tried to calm her down because you know.... Negative thinking got worst and worst.

Finally i snapped and when I got the chance I told someone... Look ... I'm not the person you see on paper that you think I am.  I'm here because of hell and back and no one doing nothing but equating me ( us ) to biblical demons/bugs and I should either go away or whatever....

 

~~ steph

 

 

[elizabeth22]

I'm so stressed out because now once again... My other personality .. the one people associate moreso with... Kinda said something again.  Wants to just hibernate basically because of new issues of waiting to talk to a therapist for a month rather than sooner.  She / he how ever she prefers to identify because of being shy just can't cope.

I don't know what to do because every now and then I do so much only to find my advice/ help disregarded because I guess my main personality... It's too crazy to cope with this personality stuff on top of everything else in life.

 

~~ steph

[elizabeth22]

I've done some reading.  

I supposedly exist because of childhood abuse and neglect that no one caught.

I'm a nobody. I read the reason I felt so bottled up was because there are medications that help with dillusions etc.  But I suppose since I seem to care more about life when they did a baseline and I wasn't on any meds when impatient... A case worker saw me and asked how I identify in spite of my other person. And that's the first time I heard multiple perso alities referred to as DID.  

I'm a mistake while my main self... Has these horrible thought and I feel trapped mostly.

I don't know what to do!

 

Help!!!

 

 

My head hurts real bad now.

[VickySGV]

You are not the first person here to have DID and your case worker is right on one idea of how DID comes about, but it is not really known if that is only way.  Both of you are welcome here, but it would help to know who is talking at one time.  One of you is the Wise Mind for your body, and deciding who that is will help with life and finding which identity would be the one to resolve the muddle that occurs.  I answered your other topic where you mention both names.  Over there I mentioned sharing these letters with your care team.  The other one I read was very courageous and really talks of true concerns.  I know some about this because I have a daughter who is also on a DID borderline, and when I was young I almost became another person as well, and it was not me as my female self then.  It was someone scary to think of because of rage.  Vicky has been my real inner person for over 60 years, but she did not know her true self and even though she really thought she was another gender.  Keep safe, both (??) of you and it will be muddled through and you will find peace and safety.

[elizabeth22]

Well Liz saw what I typed as an intro post for him/her because of the bigotry that has happened in life and even with friends and family over Facebook.  

So then he when still trying to come to terms with the gender worksheets and me and finally even requested to be off serequel ( (which what he wanted a year ago) so I'm honestly confused now.

 

I guess me (Steph) seems to pull the decisions alot when I can while Liz tends to just self destruct....

[elizabeth22]

Then all day a couple days ago I saw Liz posting on discord that she was going to hibernate for a while... While in short in the journal... It just said... I don't like all of this basically and want to sleep for about a montb to contemplate things...

 

~~ Steph

[Dev]

Hello to you all!

 

I was catching up on posts made since I last read through the forums and wanted to bring up a couple of worries.  You've said elsewhere that all but one of you wants to die, which in my experience with DID (I don't have it, but I've talked with many who do) is not uncommon.  That feeling is even more prevalent when one or more questions or challenges the gender of the body.  From previous posts, it sounds like at least one other is actively working against the one with gender issues and depending on who's up front there may be action taken against you or others as a result.  This worries me because we're all about preventing harm to folks here, and I'd hate to see something happen to you that could be avoided.

 

It sounds like people in previous inpatient situations haven't taken the DID seriously, is that right?  It also sounds like at least one therapist has recognized your alters and addressed them individually, which is good - did that person give you a formal DID diagnosis?  If so, that would be helpful going into a new inpatient setting.  Which, given the risk to one of you and potentially to others, I think is something you should pursue again.  It's important that you be in a safe setting while a treatment plan is devised to eliminate the possibility that one alter will act in a way that's harmful to all of you.

 

You are able to advocate for your own care as well.  That means if someone suggests prescribing a medication that doesn't work for you or has effects you don't like, you can refuse to take it and ask for something else.  Just because a doctor wants you to try something again doesn't mean you have to do it.  Rather, you can explain why it didn't work the first time and work with that doctor on finding something that doesn't upset the balance.

 

From some of the things you've said, I also get the impression that DID is something you're still learning about, whether that be symptoms, causes, or treatments.  Some of us here do have a lot of experience with DID, but it's all secondhand, so I'm going to recommend that you post in a place where people who do have DID can give you some guidance.  Reddit has a subreddit devoted to DID, and I know from experience that it's full of helpful, caring people.  You won't be judged there.

 

I check in as often as I can,  usually once a day, so if you have questions I can answer, please don't hesitate to ask.

[elizabeth22]

I don't know if this means anything but when I was meditating in my self place earlier this morning... A younf girl about 5-7 asked if she could use my phone.  I looked around and saw my parents standing outside my safe place.

 

I think mentally everything is imploding worst now making me worried because now it seems I'm the prominent one while in the park, this seemed to be a rediual issue when I was a kid and demonized for asking gender questions ... Therapy session is next month but heck if what's left over is the innocent part of myself, I can deal with that so much more than the suicidal one.  But usually I always sense it irregardless but my mind is quieter than ever with me being forward.

 

~~ steph

[elizabeth22]

Heck I used to be afraid of buying anything ladies waiting for him/her to catch up... But heck mood seemed to worsen... And the. I finally got a chance to read things ... Probably to lengthy to get into... From journals and online activity.

 

When it finally was accepted that there were gender discrimination due to the derogatory slang of heshe, I got happy finally because I would talk about different clothing gand stuff... But I guess losing everyone in life for emotional acceptance... I can see why it was easy to find a way to dissociate to cope...

 

~ steph

[elizabeth22]

Like today I went through the process of buying a purse just to see if I would have any negative thoughts or whatever.  Nada   it finally feels like there is no mental chain around me.  That my tears and screams can be heard finally.

 

I just don't know if this is permanent and this childhood remabenr I my head..  I can deal with... So IDK what to do since therapy sessions take time... But now I got a cute purple purse bag 

[Charlize]

I'm glad you are here and posting Elizabeth.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize