Is this a normal feeling

[Charlize]

I doubt many cis gender folks truly understand.  The best we can hope for is acceptance and support.  That is perhaps one reason sites like this where others who do understand are so important.  Glad you've joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

On 11/21/2018 at 1:37 PM, DisenchantedHalo said:

Some days are good and I'm just ME, other days are a total emotional trainwreck...

Ok, this cannot be all bad since you can be you.  But since you still enjoy crossing back to a feminine style, don't worry about labels.  This feminine part is as valid as the masculine side of you.  Can you embrace both sides and let them flow in and out of your life seamlessly?  It would appear to be the best of both worlds.  

 

As to your friends, they may be "walking on eggshells" because they also sense an unease in you.  Try to be comfortable in who you are and how you present.  This may be all the cues they will need.

 

Jani

[DisenchantedHalo]

 Thanks for the support. It's certainly not all bad?. At least I am now being honest about who I am, as far as I know at this stage of my journey. 

 

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Can you embrace both sides and let them flow in and out of your life seamlessly?

 

Therein lies the issue, there is no seamless flow.  I actually stand and debate with myself for several minutes about whether to bind, am I brave enough to pack when I have eyeliner on and my hair is down, whether I really want to wear a skirt or is that just the easiest thing to pull out of the wardrobe, or get frustrated by a wardrobe in transition where still so much is feminine and I don't even really have would could be considered a gender neutral option for where I am going.  I know I could be second guessing myself, but I wonder if keeping those items of feminine expression are more to do with fear and conforming to others who express surprise at my statement and suggest that I have such feminine qualities, although then apart from not being 'butch' or 'jock-like' they rarely have an answer for what they mean by that. I have tried bigender or genderfluid on and that's not how I feel.

 

Maybe it's partly the way my brain is wired, but certainty (and by extension labels) is one the things that help me feel safe and allow me to function somewhat normally. That's one of the reasons I don't like the term non-binary, 'non' is such a negative word.

 

I know ME (whatever that is) is all that matters, but I steel feel somewhat lost as to exactly what that is and how I want to express that both when I am home by myself and when I go out into the world.

[Jani]

DisenchantedHalo, you might want to take this discussion to a new thread.  But in the meantime...

 

6 minutes ago, DisenchantedHalo said:

I know I could be second guessing myself, but I wonder if keeping those items of feminine expression are more to do with fear and conforming

Well this is certainly a concern.   But only you can answer that question.   This is where talking with a gender therapist would be a good idea.  It would certainly be good for you to speak with an unbiased person, and the good ones are wonderful sounding boards.  Being lost is a common issue in this community.  Look into getting some help. 

 

Jani