What stares back at you?

[Maid In Bedlam]

Evening all you lovely People.

Firstly i havent made many posts as so much has been covered i havent needed to ask many questions in the forums or indeed answer many questions as i have been quite content to read. im not a big internet user let alone a poster. Normally any questions i may have been inclined to ask have already been answered somewhere else.  For my absense at activity please accept my aplogies.

But now i have a question that is unique to me but im wondering, Well not so much a question more a way to get this out of me and some advise on how to deal with 2 problems i have. One for here and another for a diffrent topic at another time.

With my speech out of the way here it comes,

I have been on hormones for nearly 2 years. Im not young in fact i didnt actually start till i was over 50.  I had my reasons for not starting sooner some of which will  be answered again in another topic.

However I looked at myself the other day and i had that sinking feeling. It was just after i had dried myself from a bath and took a look in the mirror. I do this and every Sunday i take a few measurements mainly bust size etc. More for self gratification than anything else. As in being with the knowledge that something is happeneing. For the record i have developed into a B cup with no surgeons intervention. Which im quite proud of what they have become considering i started with nothing. But anyway to get back on track i looked in the mirror in all i see was a Monster. I wasnt a man and sadly i wasnt a Woman either. I seem to have been caught somewhere in pergatory. I was so sad i had a little cry and have just felt nothing but a sinking feeling ever since. I knew right from the start i wasnt going to have the body of a beauty queen but i kinda expected more at this stage. To me my face has not changed. I still appear to look as i did before i even started. My body has hardly any curves and in general i think i look like complete crap. I know i should not expect to much and be grateful for what has occured. I mean being honest i have also been full time for 3 and a half years and im also living stelth. (I moved to another country). and been very sucessful. I work and no one suspects i had a previous life. My freinds do not suspect i had a previous life and as far as the world goes im seen as always been as i am now. My hormone level is peaking at the max of what it should be according to my gender specialist and he seems very happy with where it is. In fact now i only need to see him once a year as opposed to previously which was 6 month periods, I have not had the bottom surgery i didnt think i really needed it but its something i am now thinking about if it would make a diffrence but i dont want to go down that road just being led by my heart and not my brain. So i guess my question is this. How do we deal with these feelings? How do we convince ourselves this is a perception that only our minds see. I have never really had any doubt in my mind i was always quite sure of myself and dare i say now happy with the hand i have been dealt until i hit this bump in the road.

 

 

[BrandiBri]

You look marvelous, darling! 

As I look at pictures of myself from even a few weeks ago, I can see differences, but most of the time when I look on the mirror all I see is the old me staring back. There are times ,though, when I see my older sister looking back at me. I have been on hormones for 13 months now and I have sprouted into b cups. I hope to end up with c or maybe a close d.

[Jani]

Hello Maid in Bedlam,  

After two years on E you certainly have changed some.  Do you have any older photos you can look at to compare?  I kept a photo log during my first few years and the change was subtle but marked.  I look in the mirror now and don't recognize the old me, yet close friends and family do.  Lately I've been hearing that I look like my mom and specifically one of my sisters. 

 

I'm a B also but I've always been lean so I kind of expected this.  As far as curves go, not all women are curvy, so don't beat yourself up over this.  I will ask though, how is your diet?  We don't need the same old caloric intact as we age and certainly not when on estrogen.  I used to eat what wanted without issue, but now I have to moderate or the "poochiness" (my spouses word) creeps up on my waist.  

 

You say you're living stealth and no one knows so something is working for you.  We are our own worse critics, seeing things others never do.  I would't fret.  Let go your old notion of who you were and embrace the current you.  You'll be much happier. 

 

Cheers, Jani

[Maid In Bedlam]

Thank you for all your comments thus far. I am overwhelmed at the surport i am getting.

Mary Mary for you i say this. I get where your coming from precisely about not making a compassision with what you think the perfect girl is. We are all individual and respect ourselves as such but what looks back just didnt make me happy in either gender. I to i would guess am a bulky girl but not to the point of being fat more toned. In saying that there is a little bit of a tummy there there but its negligable. I would  to have the facial surgery but i honestly didnt think i needed it well not until today anyway which i will come to be bared in a few paragraphs. I had a bit of a shock today which has added insult to injury. Please read on. Also you are truly amazing in the picture and i salute you and your portrait.

The B cup club and i most certainly am a member. Its a milestone i will hold dear.

Jani. I do have some pictures of my earlier self but i honestly never liked the old me and because of that after my teenage years i never took many pictures. Perhaps a couple but i tried to stay out of the limelight of my life as i was never happy with the way i looked then. Please dont read i always had body issues into that. I just did not enjoy pictures with me centre stage. So i done from about my 20s onwalds. Nothing recent. Yes i know i should have taken one pre hormones but i had the mind that i was glad to be rid of him.

 

Now as i wrote earlier Adding insult to injury. I was read. For the first time in 3 and a half years i was told i lookmlike a man. That wasnt the exact words but the pain it gave me was as strong as being stabbed in the heart. Let me set the scene. I work in retail i was at the till and serving like i do on anyday among other things i am duty bound to do and i had just served this young lady who had a child with her. She bought a few things plus a book for im guessing the child. I smiled at the girl as i served her Mother and as they left I gave a smile and a little wave and bidded them farewell, The lady looked to the child and said. " Say goodbye to the lady" to which the girl replied " Thats not a Lady" My heart dropped  and i wass rather taken aback as i said 3 and half years and never had this situation. Fortunatly none else was around to hear this child but it didnt stop the pain i felt.

 

now because of what would be just a small event I am having doubts about how i have supposedly achieved so much has been dashed by the events of the past couple of days. I am truly in a place that im not sure i want to be

 

 

 

[Kirsten]

Hmmmm what do I see. I haven’t been able to answer this. I’ve been trying since last night. 

When I look in the mirror, at this point, I see me. Not boy or girl. Not attractive or hideous. Just me. I see my flaws which for me are my hair and jaw. (There’s others but those are my worst) I see good as well. My lips my eyes and even my smile. Do I see a woman? No. Definitely not. But I don’t see a man either. Pre hrt I saw a disgusting woman when I looked in my mirror. A hideously scary woman. Idk why.  And I still kinda look the same. But looking back at pictures of myself I see a decent looking guy now. In shape attractive but sad guy. But that mirror now is just me for once. 

Maybe I’m a little more non-binary than your average mtf. But eventually I hope people do see me as female. But if not, we’ll it’s really not the end of the world. 39 years I was all guy all the time. Not anymore. Now I live dress and act as a female. I don’t get ma’am very often. I think 2 times at this point. But I do see people trying, even in public, to make me comfortable. Male female or otherwise that makes me feel good about who I am. Even if it isn’t a full fledged female. 

I have also had my run ins with people who purposely try to shame me. That hurts more than someone who’s just not in key with what I am doing.

I see a child read you. Why is that a bad thing? Plenty of people may read you. But they don’t say anything. Rather they read the situation, and validate you with a ma’am. That’s really remarkable to me. That’s true support. That’s caring and love for a fellow human being. 

I guess you can put all of your eggs in the I have to pass basket if you’re trans and for some that may be the only thing that matters. But that’s not what transgender means to me. Being transgender means you get to be you. You get to act how you want. You get to wear what you love. You get to carry yourself in a way that makes you comfortable. And that’s awesome!  In essence it means you get to be YOUR normal. And that’s the best thing in the world. 

There are plenty of people all over the place that don’t like how they look. And they can’t change much of it. So they do what they can. They create an image they can love with what they have. They simply be who they are. And they don’t care what the rest of the world thinks. 

 

All im saying is be you. Just be you. You’re wonderful and amazing however you are. As long as you are being you and not who you think you should be or who you think everyone else wants you to be. That’s where happiness lies. Or so goes my opinion which is worth about as much as a price tag. ??

Kirsten

[Jani]

1 hour ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

My heart dropped  and i was rather taken aback

Don't be alarmed by this.  Children do have an interesting sense of gender it seems, unfortunately young children have no filters when they speak.   Let it roll off you.  The last thing you want to show is that they're correct.  If you must reply say something like, "oh no honey, I'm a girl just like mommy."  Then let it drop.  We can't all be like Bo Derek (10)!

 

Jani 

[Maid In Bedlam]

Thanks jani. Its has never happened to me before. just it was the wrong moment for it to happen. Fortunatly they was walking away. But i will take your words on board as that is a very good quote to have in your arsenal. I will be prepared if there is a next time.

I have served children before and never had any problems or even strange looks. In fact if i do get a second look its generally an admiring one from a guy. Which i am flattered for. Its strange because you do notice these things more when you go full time. Im guessing you to have the odd look of admiration judging from your little picture.

 

 

Kristen thank you for your input.  Its certainly a concept and a good one to. I guess we are all diffrent and have our own little faults and floors. Its how you percieve them. I have passed since i started my transition even when i just started on my hormones. Strangly enough as it was mentioned previously i did find a few pictures of when i first started hormones to now. and Gosh i was so masculine in the body. i looked like a russian shot puter. I got to admit i have changed a lot since then to the point where i actaully cringe when i look at them and think. How on earth did i pass. But i guess i must have. For a while i think i have set my goals to high. Its been 2 years but as i have read pubity can sometimes take a lot longer.  still doesnt make me feel any better but i guess its just down to my hormones. Feeling a bit dysphoric is just a bump in the road. I have just always been so confident and it gave me a chink in my armour.

 

 

 

 

[VickySGV]

I am into my "Change Of Life" for 10 years by now, and full time for a bit over 7 years.  When I look in the mirror I see a "ME" whatever gender or (ugh) sex that may be.  I am through with hiding who I was internally for 60 years and am happy with how I look today.  Sure, some of my personal look has bulges in the places I wish there were curves and a figure that is commonly female but not ideally feminine by many pounds of weight and few less in kilos. Still, I see ME!  Interestingly enough, I have found that remembering things I did "back when" actually gives me more appreciation for those things, and activities I used to do are tempered by age and not by gender showoff or hiding.  I do things that span both genders with equal satisfaction and no shame what so ever (unless I actually hurt someone else) for not abiding by female or male "rules of gender". 

 

I have had GCS surgery, and I have absolutely no regrets for having it.  On the other side, I now KNOW what it does not do.  It does not make me special as a Trans person, or give me bragging rights of any source.  I am happy with my body now, but that is not for anyone else's happiness, just my comfort.  (Although an occasional yeast infection puts that to question a few times a year.)  My surgery was cheered for a month or two by some people I knew, but it was old news and on the same level with a dental root canal in about the time the root canal would be.  Fickle friends?  Not really!  Life goes on, but with a few less concerns from one direction that are replaced with new concerns from other directions as well.  My "B" boobs after 9 years of HRT just look like ME, the same as the down-below do by now.  It is ME that I see, and that makes me calmer and happier with a life that is the True Person hidden so long in the dark.

[Maid In Bedlam]

Thank you Vicky for your insight into your personal journey and what it has done for you. Truly inspirational and definatly food for thought.

I have never been to interested in the bottom surgery. To change myself so much is a big step and one that i considered on and off for a while. I dont think it would cure any dyshoria as i think it comes from within and is not cured by the use of a sugeons knife. and as you indicate I still think i would find something to be dysphoric about.  I also think and believe i have reached the end of my transition without the need of this. well at least i believed this. I dont wish to have it just for sex or indeed for some cosmetic dream.  or my personal euphoria. Not that im surgesting for a second that was your motive.as we can all im sure assertain .But im just trying to give my reasons. I am in a very and loving relationship based on the love of two people. Sex has never been an issue for us. There more than one way to enjoy each other. Plus even if i did have one that still functioned which as we all know stops doing its party piece after a few months of hormones.  i think we wouldnt be needing it.

 

Strangly enough another thing happened to me today. once again involving a young child with his mother.. This was in the supermarket as today was my main shopping day. I was just browsing the aisles looking for at the shelfs for my grocerys when i felt a hand take mine and give it a tug. My partner was with me and i assumed they was the one doing the pulling i turned around and there was a boy child tugging away at me. I think he was perhaps attacted to my charm braclet as its quite blinge. I looked at the boy and smiled. and said with the  smile " What you up to" With that his mum looked up and see what he was doing and told him to stop. He was a happy little fella with mischeif in his eyes. But he let go and i took my hand back. His mother apologised as i think she was a little embrassed. But i said "Thats ok he was proberly attacted to the shiney things" There was no hint of thats not a lady or anything such like which actually couldnt have happened at a better time. As ive mentioned i was deeply saddened after the evennts of the other day but that made me feel much better about myself. I later spoke to my partner about it and was told of a little fault i have which i just dont notice. My partner said. sometimes when im in a place or such like that im feeling very comtable in i sometimes put down my guard and my voice can drop an octive. Its a small thing but i believe perhaps that girl from 2 days ago noticed that as im very comftable when im at the till and serving. So i must make a mental note to try and stop this from occuring because as much as i can think about that incident i cant put my finger on anything i may have done to out myself. So I must try harder.

 

[Michelle F]

Vicky... I have been on hormones now for 6 months. Your most recent post made me realize I am going the right direction and I am confident.

 

This pic is me today. I see me. I see the female that has been missing from my Father's side of family for 7 generations. 7 only children!

Somehow I turned out intersex. I have all the human genetic markers. XX/XY. 

I do not see Michael 64 year old guy any more.... I see Michelle and I can't put an age to my face yet...

 

My partner asked me how I feel...

My answer... " I feel fine.. !"

[VickySGV]

Just now, Michelle F said:

I do not see Michael 64 year old guy any more..

 

Even if you do see "him" from time to time -- and you will -- it is just part of life., but the "ME" will still be there too since both of your selves were real in many ways for the time they were there.  I can see the good parts of "him" that he never could see that way due to Dysphoria and actually I love him for having kept our shared body alive even though it was close at times.  It does give pause to wonder about your ancestors and if they too had the inter-sex genetics in a time when we did not know about these things.  They keep finding new possibilities for why we are as we are.  I do have a couple of items that are suspected, and one in particular is genetically involved.  The other is that I am a DES baby.

[Jani]

Looking fine Michelle!   Your smile says it all. 

Jani

[Michelle F]

Awe... Thank you Mani!

[Michelle F]

I hate the suggestion feature, Jani!

[Kirsten]

Vicky your words are so right. Find you. Be happy with you. Don’t forget about “him” or “her” from pre transition. That person was you. They helped make you who you are. They did keep you safe and healthy. They did amazing wonderful things that shouldn’t be forgotten. I love to say that transition isn’t about changing genders, it’s only about finding yourself, being comfortable with who you are, and being able to share yourself with the world. 

[Michelle F]

I am just under a B cup naturally. Just spoke to my Doc... He is requesting breast augmentation thru my ins. I'm excited!

[Maid In Bedlam]

I Requested breast augmentation and was told that only the persons that had no growth at all would be given the oppotunity to have it here in the UK. I am on the NHS so we dont pay for it. Well not directly. So im assuming its all down to funding. Considering how far i have got with the NHS I should count my blessings I have something.

 

But Congrats Michelle

[Michelle F]

Thank you...

 

Good luck!

[Michelle F]

Whatstares back at me? Well today at least

 

THIS I'm at Whole Foods waiting for Sketchers to open. Gonna see if the have heels that fit me!

[Jani]

That doesn't look like regular Whole Foods fare!  

[Maid In Bedlam]

Gosh I so much as look at a pizza now and i put on 10 pounds.

 

Thanks for the tease.☺️

[Michelle F]

I don't get fat any more... Ketogenics let's meet pretty much anything in moderation. And that is all While Foods. Great Deli bar. One slice for $4. Two slices for $7. Full on health food if that's what you want. 

 

Wonderful slow Smoked Pork belly to die for... Totally decadent!

 

They have all kinds of beer from imports to microbrews

[Michelle F]

Today?

This...

 

[BrandiBri]

this pic was taken by me back in July in on of our city parks. Although I usually don't like my picture, I do like this one. I had just come from Sephoria's where I had a full makeover. I no longer wear the wig.

[Kirsten]

Great pic Brandi! That’s a great color for you