coming out

[Susan]

So I have kinda a dilemma. I want to tell my family about being transgender and I want to do it in person but my family does not live close to me. In fact they all live in other States and I can't afford to in and see them. Does anyone think it is appropriate or good to call each one on the phone to come out to them or should I wait til I can see them in person? Everyone's feedback is welcome but I know I will have to make the choice. Thanks all and hugs! Susan

[Jani]

I told my sister who lives nearby in person.  Another I used FaceTime (kinda, sorta, in person).  The last one was by email since she was far away and rather hard to reach at times.   I flew to where my parents live to tell them in person.  After that the news trickled out to aunts and uncle, nieces and nephews, and cousins.  

 

There is nothing like "one on one" with news like this.  FaceTime (or Skype) would be the next best thing since you can see their faces and hear their voices to gauge the "real" reaction that you never get with just a phone call or email.  

 

All my best,
Jani  

[Susan R]

Great news on your big decision,  I think if you talk to one or two people first, the news would probably spread to your other family mambers before you could see them in person. I agree with Janinthat Skype would probably be the next best thing. But take my advice with a grain of salt because I have only come out to my wife so I have very little experience I actually going through with it.  I wish you the best in your decision. 

 

SusanMtF

[Susan]

Thanks but the problem is it is really hard to get a hold me my brother and sister and my mom doesn't like to use Skype and I don't like to use it either and the cost plays a part as well. 

[Kirsten]

Face to face is best. I think you should do all you can to get the face to face meeting with your immediate family. At least mom. After that it’s any way you can. 

For me I told my parents and close friends in person. I had no choice but to call my brother because he was in California fighting forest fires at the time and I didn’t think it would be fair for him to find out in some other way before I got to tell him. After that was a few strategic texts and then to Facebook to clean up loose ends. Lastly was work which was a process. Starting with a regional director and my union president and then a trickle down effect till it got to my boss who I told in person and finally the 3 crews in our garage all basically on stage in person. Lol. 

After you tell 1 the next is easier. And easier. And easier again. By the end it’s fun. And when it’s all over you’re telling strangers just because. ?

good luck and have fun with it! It’s not as daunting as it seems. 

[DenimAndLace]

Two pieces of advice:

 

1.  Trust your gut and tell the people you THINK will be the most receptive first (family or not) and work your way down the list to the ones you think will be hostile.  That way, when you encounter hostile people, you'll have allies to get support from.  My parents where some of the last people I told because I knew they'd be awful ...and they were and still are years later.  I'm so glad I had friends who could comfort me through the grief of parental rejection.

2.  No matter what their initial response, it will take time for their final response to reveal itself.  Some say it takes a couple years for "hearers" to decide how they feel about you.  Some who are initially receptive, will sour and murmur behind your back.  Others who are indifferent or even reject you at first will come around with time.  And remember, people change with society so there's hope for everyone given enough time.

 

To your specific question, as others have said, face-to-face is probably best.  It's like a live performance versus a telegraph message.  The later is stripped of body language, voice inflection, tone, non verbals and so on.

[Susan]

Thanks but here is the problem. My family does not live very close to me and financially and work schedule won't allow me to go to see them as well as some other things. I am not afraid to tell my family, like I said, it is the other things so that's why I wanted to see if I called them, if that would be a good alternative. Thanks and hugs all. Susan

[Willow]

Susan, I agree with you about telling them in person. That’s what I did but like you I wasn’t able to tell them all at once.  I told each family member the next time I saw them.  Now for me there wasn’t a long period of time between when I saw each of them.  

 

The advantage of face to face is that you can gauge reactions and talk it through as necessary.

 

Good luck, this is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do but it all worked out.  

 

Willow