VERY bad experience was BIG wake-up call.

[Sam Lavender]

Hi, I’m Sam.  I’m FtM, I’m 25 years old and I’ve been on T since May of 2017.  I’ve had a lot happen to me recently.  Most of it very bad, but it’s motivated me to make changes in my life…

 

Before I started T I totally avoided everyone around me anyway so my extreme isolation wasn’t at all one-sided.  I never tried to date.  I’ve never even had a friend.  I was also literally repulsed by what I saw, looking in mirrors.  I didn’t relate to my own reflection at all; I didn’t even feel like I was looking at myself.  It was pretty surreal, actually.

 

Since starting T about a year and a half ago, I actually started reaching out to other people for the first time in my entire life.  Unfortunately. I have not gotten very good feedback from other people I’ve interacted with...

 

I joined a dating site (but it also had options for people looking for friends and other stuff too).  I literally ran out of people to message and had gotten no replies.  I temporarily increased my visibility, was viewed by over 600 other users in that window, and got no likes the entire time.  It was pretty traumatizing actually.  I never tried to reach out, and I also assumed that if I did try, no one would want me anyway.  And when I finally did try, that’s kinda what happened.  I ended up deleting my account after 6 months or so (and even after 6 months my inbox was still empty).

 

Right after that (and the timing couldn’t have been worse) a coworker at my job who liked to instigate problems, gossip about people, etc… Decided to spread rumors that I basically pretend to work all day.  I’m almost certain she did this because I was obviously better at my job than her and she was jealous.  I reported it and everything and it was immediately put to a stop many months ago.  But the timing of this (being right after feeling totally rejected on a dating / social site) couldn’t have been worse for me.

 

After those two things happened literally one after the other, I basically shut out the world, and avoided everyone around me all over again, because it was less stressful to hang out at home by myself and watch Youtube videos than it was to be rejected and picked on.  I started doing this about 4 months ago (in June)...

 

Fast-forward about 2 months later (end of August), I’m peacefully living in total drama-free seclusion (and watching more and more youtube videos to avoid thinking about how lonely and miserable I really am) and I suddenly get an infection (on the lower right side of my face, specifically).  It was bad.  I called ambulance on myself for the first time, and for the second time, in my life.  I was in the emergency room for the first time also, and also the second time as well.  I was put on very strong antibiotics, anti-inflammatory medications, nervous system suppressant because the inflammation messed up my nerves, etc.  I was totally messed up and in excruciating pain.  And I had NO support system in my life.  I had no friends.  I had no partner.   No one cared about my situation.  No one even knew about my situation... because one knew me.

 

This was the very begging of September.  I am still suffering from a horrible inflammation and a burning pain that stretches from my right eye all the way down to my right shoulder.  But as horrible as this all was and still is, it was a big wake-up call and a necessary "slap in the face" for me, I feel.  I was "done" trying to reach out to people only to be ignored and then picked on.  I thought it was better, more comfortable, less stressful, to just sit home alone with no one around to bother me.  I was proven very wrong.  I had my first medical emergency (they say everyone has one at some point) and I'm stuff suffering from it.  But because of this experience, I’ve had the realization that it is NOT better to be alone.  While isolating myself did keep my life drama-free, it also left my life totally void of all the positive aspects of interacting with other people.  No was bothering me, but no one was there to be kind or supportive when I was in unbearable pain.  I didn’t have anyone in my life at all.  No one knew I was sick.  No one knew me. Period.  Feeling so alone was almost as painful my the medical issue I had.  It was really horrible.

 

I’m once again making an effort to reach out to other people.

So… that it.  That’s why I joined TransPulse.

[tracy_j]

Hi Sam. welcome to TransPulse Thank you for your introduction.

 

Things have not beeen going so good for you, but are hopefully changing around a bit now. It may be that your physical issues were not helped with your state of mind. People here are friendly and helpful. Please do not hesitate to join in. Feel free to ask questions and reply to posts.

 

In the outside world there are many types of people. Most are good and friendly. You will find friends in time, but as you realise, you wont living in isolation. You have made a good positive step.

 

It's nice to meet you!

 

Tracy

[EvanC]

Hi Sam, 

 

I’m Evan, FtM too. Nice to meet you.

 

I have problems isolating myself too. I have good family with me, but I move around a lot and the older you get, the more effort it takes to make friends. Reading your post made me think about how I don’t have any local friends, not anyone I talk to on a regular basis. I do have some old friends I talk to and maybe visit every few years, but they all live far away. I’m also bad at social media. I read what others write, but seldom figure out what to say back, so I just say nothing. But I’m trying to be better.

 

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve have had it so bad, but I think it’s a great start coming here. Everyone seems really friendly. I also find even just reading about others who have had similar experiences to mine is really comforting. 

[Robin]

Hi Sam,

 

Unfortunately, dating sites don't always achieve the best results.  I have tried one in the past and, as well as numerous rejections, the people that I did end up meeting caused me more emotional harm than they did me good.  It is very easy to get involved with people that you would not have anything to do with if you met them under any other circumstances.

 

I have met most of my friends through my hobbies.  Whatever interests you have got, there are bound to be clubs that cater for them.  Once you get to know people, you can talk to them about more than just your shared interest.  I have been discussing my transgender situation with a friend from my local classic car club.  He is not trans, but he is someone who can lend a sympathetic ear.

 

The reality is that most people are friendly, and reasonably kind and helpful.

 

Robin.