Is "I don't care" an option?

[Organous]

Apparently after posting in my local queer FB group, someone suggested I qualify as transgender, but since only one person commented as such, I thought I'd ask the community at large. I basically don't put any emphasis on gender whatsoever. I'm bisexual, about 50/50 at that, so I don't care about the gender of my partner. Apparently pansexual is also supposed to apply because I'm fine with the idea of loving a transgender person as well, FtM or MtF. I honestly don't really understand the "transgender" thing, because I don't really see the point in any gender roles. Men and women are both allowed to like what they like and live how they live, as far as I'm concerned. I am biologically male, have no problem doing things that would seem feminine, and don't feel obliged to act "manly" in any way. I simply do as I do, and it's your problem if you think it's weird. I'm just human. Now, if the option existed that I could actually be biologically both male & female, fully functional in each, I'd take it in a heartbeat. I'm sure it would carry more medical risk, but it would be kind of a pride thing that I'd be able to procreate in either direction. As it is, given the choice between the two, I would choose to be male for the physical and social advantages, but that's more of a practical calculation than a desire.

 

What initially brought this up is Halloween. I'm cosplaying as Ranma Saotome (from Ranma 1/2) at work. He has a "curse" where if he's splashed with cold water, he becomes a girl, and hot water reverses the process. He is 100% cis male, though. He absolutely hates the change, so it's that much more amusing when he's pressed into situations where the body and behavior of a woman is more appropriate, including an episode where a head injury causes him to suddenly change gender identity to be very girly-girl (or at least how he perceives it). I decided I want to go the extra distance in my cosplay and actually go as the female form, even if only for a quick picture or to wear for LGBT events. THAT is a whole extra struggle... I've given no thought to women's clothing up until today, and I'm debating if/how I should get a bra for the outfit. I got a couple of squishy water-like balls from kids toys for the occasion. I'm just very nervous as to whether I could run into any legal trouble if someone calls police on me for seriously inspecting bras in the store.

 

So, aside from a desire to more accurately portray this sex-changing character, I really don't make any efforts to care about my gender identity. People rarely label me as female only if I let my hair go out, and I make no effort to correct them if they do. I don't insist anyone call me by gender-neutral pronouns, either. I'll use men's restrooms because I don't care enough to start some random drama, though I did accidentally walk into a one-person women's restroom one time and only realized it when I came out (it was weird that everything was mirrored from what I thought it was). I got in on the "brony" thing unironically, and love the more feminine aspects of it just as much as the masculine. The sleepover episode was definitely too over-the-top for me though, and the Smile Song did make me pause for a bit to think "I have stepped into a the biggest mountain of sugar imaginable."

 

As you can see, I write a lot. I actively defy that I am a "manly man" that should act like a man, but I don't care about going over to the other side, either. I just am. I recognize my biology, but not any implications from it. Non-binary sounds like it would be my thing, which I'm told qualifies. Gender-fluid and bigender don't quite sound right as they suggest I actively feel like I'm in some direction at any time. I don't know, you tell me. On the side, any advice in bras would certainly be welcome.

[Kirsten]

If you need a label.....  I’d say gender queer. It’s kind of a cross of both but having no feelings towards either side. And pansexual seems to cover the other half well. I have a wonderful friend whom is the same but born female. 

As far as the bras, I wouldn’t worry about what people will think if they see you checking them out. I don’t think you’d really care anyhow. 

Be you. Do you. And be happy. It’s all that really matters. 

[tracy_j]

Hi Organous, welcome

 

I am pretty much the same way too. These days I live pretty much female, although am still legally male and recognised as male by many friends, even though I am dressed female. Although I can be female even to the extent of having actively feminist views at times, mostly I go with the flow and don't really care. I suppose it is really the androgyne lifestyle. That way I usually refer to myself as androgyne. Non binary may be just as correct. Gender queer I tend to think is a no no as it reminds me of the previous use of queer which relates more to gay. Interestingly I do not think myself gay at all but am probably bisexual or pansexual (I don't really care or think about such terms that much). My experience tells me that the mindset of gay people is generally totally different. I suppose I more actively feel like I am in some direction as I generally detest manly man. probably more from experience of men and their crude ways. It just never was me!

 

It's maybe not a great help, but I buy my bras online. It is possible to get padded bras with small cupsize and large bandsize, which are made for women. Due to their low demand, these are not available in shops (at least as far as I have found). A good bra that fits really feels natural. I don't use forms at all, just show a more modest (natural) chest. In thinking, it probably does help with my androgyne appearance, rather than overtly female or male.

 

Tracy

[Jani]

15 hours ago, Organous said:

someone suggested I qualify as transgender,

I never thought this was something I needed to "qualify" for.  It's not a race.  It's not a test.  You can decide who you are and how you want to be seen.  

 

Jani

[GothicLucas]

Only you can decide whether or not you're transgender, but since you're asking, I'm going to be the one who says that you don't sound transgender to me. One of the things that seems to distinguish trans people from cis people, in my experience, is that trans people have a history of debating their own gender within themselves, or feeling not right, like they're playing a role in a play, or wishing they could partake of things that are reserved for the opposite sex...

It doesn't even have to be distressing, just something other than what cis people feel, which is apparently that their gender is just a given, without second guesses. They're born and raised a certain way and while they might wonder what it's like to be the opposite sex the same way as one might wonder what it would be like to live in a different time period, they don't actively desire it or wish for it. "I don't care," as you put it. I can't really describe it in my own words because I have never felt that way. But you've never even considered wearing women's clothes until today, so it sounds like you've been comfortable being seen as a regular guy. (FWIW some crossdressers consider themselves trans, and some don't.)

Men don't have to be manly men to be men. You don't have to be transgender to think gender roles are stupid, although many of the people who actively transgress them and seek to destroy them consider themselves transgender. But many cis people also transgress gender roles.

For what it's worth, I have a friend who is like you. He's very effeminate, likes having long hair, likes to wear gothic "man skirts," and even identifies as non-binary, but doesn't identify as transgender. He thinks that men should be able to do whatever they want and it doesn't make them any less of men. He doesn't desire to be seen as a woman or gendered as female, but if that happens by accident, he doesn't correct them, either.

From your description, I think agender is another option for you. These are people who have no sense of internal gender at all, and don't follow the expected gender roles. They only have a sense of being themselves.

As for bra shopping in public, as far as I'm aware, nobody can arrest you or get you in any kind of trouble for that. If you did run into trouble that would seem really transphobic to me, actually, and we're actively fighting against that kind of discrimination. You have no ill intention toward women, you just want to crossdress for Halloween. If you're nervous, though, bringing a female friend along wouldn't be a bad idea.

There are actually some stores that will do a free bra fitting for you, like Victoria's Secret and Nordstrom, if you're feeling real gutsy. Otherwise, just measure your chest size and that should give you the bra number you need. You can stuff it to meet the cup size you want. You could also look into breastforms if you want a more natural look.