I'm so confused! :(

[Jordyn]

Here is a little story about me. I'm 20. I was assigned male at birth. I came out as gay when I was around 14. I've always hung around with girls and I've never really been into 'guy' things. I know what you're interested in doesn't really determine your gender but I'm just trying to get my head around everything. I'm not sure if I've ever experienced gender dysphoria because the thing is: I'm OK with my body how it is. I hear stories about trans kids and stuff who are deeply unhappy with their bodies and who try to severe body parts off from a very young age (not all I know). I've never experienced unhappiness with my body. I used to have a friend when I was really young (a girl) and we used to play with dolls and stuff together and I remember that I used to pretend that I was the doll. I used to play games online as well and dress my avatar as a female. What makes me think that I may be trans is that I get kind of... jealous? at my girlfriends outfits and things and kind of wish that I could wear 'girls' things.. I know I could wear it as a guy but... I feel like it's more than wanting to be a cross dresser. Is it normal for cis guys to question their gender? Another thing is that I've been depressed for as long as I remember - could my gender have something to do with this subconsciously? I tried identifying as non-binary for a while but... it didn't quite feel right.

 

I know this is a lot to read but I'm so confused! How do I know for sure if I'm trans? Do I experiment? How would I go about doing that discretely? And if I am trans... I am terrified that I wouldn't 'pass' as a woman. I know that passing isn't everything but to me it would be. Also dating... I know this would be more difficult as a trans woman. Then there's the whole coming out thing... again! I haven't told anyone about this before. I'm so lost. What do I do? I've googled about gender clinics but there are only 8 available on the NHS (I live in England).

[Susan R]

Hi Jordyn, you have asked yourself and the readers here a lot of very good questions.  Most of us have at one time or another pondered these same questions and more.  Only you can answer most if not all of them.  It seems overwhelming, I know.  But you're definitely on the right track. Reaching out is the best thing you can do.  There is help out there and we can help you too.  Some members here have similar pasts and have been helped immensely by talking to others like themselves, myself included.  But alongside developing relationships here, you might at least try to get in to speak with a therapist if there is one in your area.  Ask them if they have any specialty in gender therapy.  Sounds like there are plenty of clinics in your area.  I'd start at one of those.  That's what I did and it helped.

 

Keep us updated if you will,

Susan R?

[Robin]

Hi Jordyn,

 

I am glad that you have found this forum, and we will do our best to give useful advice and suggestions.  I can relate to most of the feelings that you have described, and I have very similar concerns.

 

At the moment, I am learning to accept that it is ok for me to feel the way I do, and trying not to feel that I am doing something "wrong".  This has already lifted a great burden from me, without having to physically do very much.  I try to behave in a way the feels natural, rather than constantly monitoring and "correcting" myself when I think that my mannerisms are a bit too feminine.

 

With this slow, gentle approach, I can gradually evolve and discover what makes me feel happy with myself, without any drastic changes all at once.

 

I have found people on this forum to be extremely supportive, along with some of my other friends, who are aware of my situation. 

 

Robin.

[pulson]

Your story sounds a little bit like mine! I get jealous seeing guys wearing men's clothing, even though it's more socially acceptable for a DFAB person to wear men's clothing and I wear a lot of that stuff anyways...it took me a while to accept I was jealous of their testosterone. I still struggle with that. And it's harder when your story doesn't fit the "typical" trans narrative we see so often. I was pretty content to be a girl at a young age and it wasn't until I was like 15/16 where things started feeling a little bit weird (and not even really because of puberty changes).

 

A lot of trans people do realize that their dysphoria manifested as depression and that it was alleviated when they started to transition, but it's important to know that depression doesn't always equal dysphoria, and transitioning isn't a fix for body image issues or mental health issues! I'm sure that these are things you're thinking about, but yeah, it's good to keep it in mind.

 

I'd say play with identities in safe spaces, like here. Test out pronouns. Test out names. See what feels good. See what you don't like. Eventually it'll come to you and there's no real rush. It isn't a race.   And it's perfectly normal for you to question your gender! I feel like it's almost more socially acceptable for DFAB people to "play" with gender than it is for DMAB people, so most DMAB people tend to put it on the down low for fear of being ostracized. So I don't think it's that DMAB people don't question their gender, it's just that they're scared to talk about it because of societal expectations of being "masculine."

 

Good luck!

[Maid In Bedlam]

Hello Joydyn.

Firstly can i say welcome to the Forum. Let me assure you this is the right place to ask.

 

Now to address your post.

 

As you can see im from the UK and know the score.

 

Speaking as someone who has been there. may i first direct you to an NHS Gender clinic. Whatever one is closest to you. You dont need to go to your doctor anymore. You can refer yourself. Call them as soon as possible and get your name on the waiting list. Do it now as even when i refered myself i had to wait 15 months before i got to my first appointment and that was 5 years ago. There is only so much you can give away on the internet before it starts to feel like its crossing over to places you dont want to go. If your on the list at the very least if your feelings change then you can always cancel the appointment but honestly im sure you have given it much thinking time. They are there to help and it is completly confidenial. They even asked me how i wished to be contacted as we dont know how you live .

 

Secondly. Dont despair. There is no overnight cure. This does take time but I emplore you to call them. They are people who you can talk to in confidence and being honest my team were great and im sure the one you go to will be the same.

 

As far as dating is concerned i would put that on a back burner. Its not the begin all and end all. However if you do date someone then do yourself a favor and tell them how you feel before you get to involved. It saves the heartache should you spring it on someone 6 months later.

 

May i direct you to this NHS website for information on your nearest clinic

 

NHS

 

 

Are there any groups near you with Transgender Expreiance? perhpas a visit to one of those may make you feel a little better about yourself and to get the realisation you are not alone in this world?

[Jordyn]

21 hours ago, Robin said:

Hi Jordyn,

 

I am glad that you have found this forum, and we will do our best to give useful advice and suggestions.  I can relate to most of the feelings that you have described, and I have very similar concerns.

 

At the moment, I am learning to accept that it is ok for me to feel the way I do, and trying not to feel that I am doing something "wrong".  This has already lifted a great burden from me, without having to physically do very much.  I try to behave in a way the feels natural, rather than constantly monitoring and "correcting" myself when I think that my mannerisms are a bit too feminine.

 

With this slow, gentle approach, I can gradually evolve and discover what makes me feel happy with myself, without any drastic changes all at once.

 

I have found people on this forum to be extremely supportive, along with some of my other friends, who are aware of my situation. 

 

Robin.

Glad that someone relates! Aha - I see you're from Norfolk, I study at the University of East Anglia aha, although I'm originally from Newcastle!

 

 

[Jordyn]

19 hours ago, pulson said:

Your story sounds a little bit like mine! I get jealous seeing guys wearing men's clothing, even though it's more socially acceptable for a DFAB person to wear men's clothing and I wear a lot of that stuff anyways...it took me a while to accept I was jealous of their testosterone. I still struggle with that. And it's harder when your story doesn't fit the "typical" trans narrative we see so often. I was pretty content to be a girl at a young age and it wasn't until I was like 15/16 where things started feeling a little bit weird (and not even really because of puberty changes).

 

A lot of trans people do realize that their dysphoria manifested as depression and that it was alleviated when they started to transition, but it's important to know that depression doesn't always equal dysphoria, and transitioning isn't a fix for body image issues or mental health issues! I'm sure that these are things you're thinking about, but yeah, it's good to keep it in mind.

 

I'd say play with identities in safe spaces, like here. Test out pronouns. Test out names. See what feels good. See what you don't like. Eventually it'll come to you and there's no real rush. It isn't a race.   And it's perfectly normal for you to question your gender! I feel like it's almost more socially acceptable for DFAB people to "play" with gender than it is for DMAB people, so most DMAB people tend to put it on the down low for fear of being ostracized. So I don't think it's that DMAB people don't question their gender, it's just that they're scared to talk about it because of societal expectations of being "masculine."

 

Good luck!

If I came to the conclusion that I was MTF I'd go with Jordyn because it's not that much of a drastic change (my name is Jordan) and I wouldn't have trouble getting used to it. I think I will test out pronouns and things!

 

18 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

Hello Joydyn.

Firstly can i say welcome to the Forum. Let me assure you this is the right place to ask.

 

Now to address your post.

 

As you can see im from the UK and know the score.

 

Speaking as someone who has been there. may i first direct you to an NHS Gender clinic. Whatever one is closest to you. You dont need to go to your doctor anymore. You can refer yourself. Call them as soon as possible and get your name on the waiting list. Do it now as even when i refered myself i had to wait 15 months before i got to my first appointment and that was 5 years ago. There is only so much you can give away on the internet before it starts to feel like its crossing over to places you dont want to go. If your on the list at the very least if your feelings change then you can always cancel the appointment but honestly im sure you have given it much thinking time. They are there to help and it is completly confidenial. They even asked me how i wished to be contacted as we dont know how you live .

 

Secondly. Dont despair. There is no overnight cure. This does take time but I emplore you to call them. They are people who you can talk to in confidence and being honest my team were great and im sure the one you go to will be the same.

 

As far as dating is concerned i would put that on a back burner. Its not the begin all and end all. However if you do date someone then do yourself a favor and tell them how you feel before you get to involved. It saves the heartache should you spring it on someone 6 months later.

 

May i direct you to this NHS website for information on your nearest clinic

 

NHS

 

 

Are there any groups near you with Transgender Expreiance? perhpas a visit to one of those may make you feel a little better about yourself and to get the realisation you are not alone in this world?

I think there are trans groups near me although I would be far too nervous to go! I suffer from a little bit of social anxiety aha.

I tried looking at the gender clinic thing and it says that a GP or health professional needs to refer me?

[Willow]

Hi Jordyn,

 

welcome. I know it takes a lot of courage to tell a GP or anyone how you feel or what you need.  We’ve all been through that.  I think the problem is we are taught from an early age right from wrong including boys and girls.  So we are programmed to be embarrassed and even ashamed of how we think about ourselves.

 

It easy to say you have to make that next step, it’s not so easy for you to accept.  But be encouraged we all found the courage and are better for it.  Please seek help, and keep coming back here for help, talk and nonjudgmental encouragement 

 

Willow

[Jani]

6 hours ago, Jordyn said:

I think there are trans groups near me although I would be far too nervous to go! I suffer from a little bit of social anxiety aha.

I would give it a try, you might be surprised how much you enjoy seeing others like yourself.  

 

Jani

[Maid In Bedlam]

11 hours ago, Jordyn said:

If I came to the conclusion that I was MTF I'd go with Jordyn because it's not that much of a drastic change (my name is Jordan) and I wouldn't have trouble getting used to it. I think I will test out pronouns and things!

 

I think there are trans groups near me although I would be far too nervous to go! I suffer from a little bit of social anxiety aha.

I tried looking at the gender clinic thing and it says that a GP or health professional needs to refer me?

 Hi Again Jordyn

 

I know here in Scotland you can self refer. I did it.

By what you say i would assume its diffrent in England. However I would still advise you to make enquirys at your GP and get on the waiting list. As it could possibly be a long one. But please do it. Remember the Gp,s office is still private and no one else will know. Other than you and the Doc.  If it does concern you and your worried about others and how they think then dont let them effect your choices. Its Your Life. Live it how you want. that goes the same for a Transgender group. I say again you will relise you are not the only one. There are people there that not only with expreiance but also with help and advise. I Went to a group back in the 80s. I was scared stiff. It was in Shoreditch in London. However once i did it i never regreted it. trust me im sure you wont regret it either.

[Jani]

4 hours ago, Maid In Bedlam said:

By what you say i would assume its diffrent in England. However I would still advise you to make enquirys at your GP and get on the waiting list.

I seem to recall hearing you could now self refer in the UK NHS.  Give them a call! 

[tracy_j]

Hi Jordyn and welcome.

 

There are other routes apart from your Gp. It is easier by that route though as the system is better geared up for it and others may not be familiar enough to get it sorted as fast (not that all Gp's may be expert but these days most should have some idea).

 

I have two files which may be helpful. Just bear in mind that these are guidlines and as such are not rules as to what must happen. They also may be slightly out of date but things have not changed much so will be fairly relevant. The current versions (if updated) should be available due to 'freedom of information', but are sometimes tricky to track down. I will look when I get chance.

 

1: Gender-dysphoria-guide-for-GPs-and-other-healthcare-staff.pdf

 

2: int-gend-proto.pdf

 

Tracy