Can't stand the hesitation

[Cloee]

(sorry for the verbosity)

Hey everyone. First time poster here. I think I have started my journey (mtf)....but something is making me hesitate.

I know how I feel inside. I've known it for decades. Within my very catholic Italian-american upbringing I had no wiggle room for expression, but it didn't stop me from cross dressing in private as the only means of expression. I once did mention to my mom and grandma that I felt more like a girl at the age of 7, and I remember clearly being told that's not how boys think. In hind site I should have said "no duh, grandma, that's because I'm not a boy." I wish I could have said that.

 

Fast forward 50 years and here I am finally at some epiphany and realization that my fantasy of being a woman can actually be realized. Decades of hollow wishing and depression, then (believe it or not)...it was that darned FaceApp. The app that allows you to take a selfie and see what you look like as a woman. I have no idea why I thought I couldn't go through with a transition. Maybe it was because I felt ugly as both a man and a potential woman. But that app shocked the boo-boo out of me at the result: it was the face of my female cousins. Like a friggin lightening bolt that image hit my brain and within milliseconds came to the realization that, genetically, that image from FaceApp is POSSIBLE!!  .....wow...I thought. Holy Make Over, Batman! I've been giddy as a school girl since. I immediately went to a counselor for TG people and we talked, and are still not done talking.

 

Expectation wise I figure the actual outcome to be much less than the Faceapp pic, but my cousins are beautiful, and they're my age, so wow...wowee wow....the possibility of looking anywhere near that good is enough to make me feel impatient.

 

And the question being discussed with my therapist is: So, why am I hesitating?

 

Anyone else at that point and/or found a way past that point? Just looking for your stories as inspiration.

 

thanks a bunch for reading.

[Susan R]

Hi Cloee, Welcome to our little TransPulse group.  I definitely think you've come to the right place.  If you've had a chance to dig around in our forums, I'm sure you've already noticed just how many people here are coming to or moving through this same kind realization.  We are all at different stages in our journey so there's usually someone that's able to help you at any particular point along the way.

Everyone here is dealing with so many different variables in their life, it's difficult (nearly impossible really) to make any educated guess as to why you specifically are hesitating to move forward based on such limited information we have.

At some point, this is a conclusion that you'll need to make yourself.  Hopefully, with the assistance of a good therapist and some time and effort, you'll be able to pinpoint the reason(s).

Variables that have been mentioned here on TransPulse and also.in my therapy sessions that can cause hestitation are things like; fear of losing part of your male self, fear of rejection, fear of losing a spouse, significant other, family, friends, job, power,  and, of course, the expense.  These are only a few variables that might be part of your hesitation but maybe it's one I haven't mentioned.  This would be one of the first things I would be discussing with my therapist among other things.  A good one should be able to help you figure this out so you can work through the issue(s).

 

Thanks for sharing...hope to hear more,

Susan R?

 

[Jani]

Hello Cloee and welcome.  I'm happy to read you're talking with a therapist.  I think once you realize what is possible and that you can live happily you will be fine.  Read the stories of others, you'll see we are all similar.   Please join in the conversation. 

 

Jani

 

 

[Cloee]

Thanks so much for replying and the encouragement. You're both right. There is first the journey towards that inevitable fork in the road after which you accept who you are based on the path your choose. Then there is the harder journey to maintain who you are in the face of all challenges.

 

Susan did touch on something that gets me thinking and that is a sense of loosing a 'male' piece of myself, which prompts me to ask myself, "which parts?" My voice comes to mind first: I sound like Barry White (deep low soft resonance). I do feel scared at loosing that, but quite curious as to the possibility of developing a female raspy kinda voice (actually my favorite to hear).

 

This is where I'm at: I think of something that would give me pause (kinda on purpose), then suddenly my brain finds the other side and I get a happy tingle and sometimes smile.

 

First appointment with a doc coming up in a couple weeks to start the evaluation (medically) on hormone treatment. I'm less afraid now.

 

thanks.

 

-cloee

[SugarMagnolia]

My voice is special to me, too. Rest assured that you won't lose it. HRT and bottom surgery will have no impact on your voice. So, it will always be available to you even if you choose to change how you speak at times. ❤️

[Cloee]

Yeah, HRT won't change my voice at all. Minuscule changes may happen due to fat redistribution, but most likely will be imperceptible. So a voice change is voluntary, but (in my current mind set) is desired to achieve the overall final package I'm looking for. In that vein I would use my male voice less. BUT....I'm beginning to suspect....i may actually favor my new voice 'especially' if I'm anywhere near pleased with other progress.

 

The bigger issue seems to be what happens on the other side of the fence. Currently, I'm wishing for features my body has yet to have, which is my fuel. Once I start to see physical progress I'm going to experience wishing that I didn't have some residual features. Or is it simply glass half full vs half empty? (implying, or course, that HRT = half full)

 

The mental gymnastics are quite fascinating to me.

 

 

[SugarMagnolia]

I think much of it is how you approach things. There's always going to be something, the same as it is for cis-folk. But, as you point out, we control how we react to those things...whether we focus on what we think is missing/"wrong" or whether we focus on all the positive changes and being able to live authentically. 

Those are my two cents anyway!

Hugs,
Julie

[Cloee]

I can't wait to replace my profile FaceApp photo with the real me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (approx 8 to 12 months from now....I hope)

[Josie Beth]

Same here. It might not even take that long Cloee. The picture is just a reference point. It’s probably fairly accurate, but I’m sure the real beauty will look even better.

[VickySGV]

This a song b yCyndi Lauper  that my friends (family) in the Trans Chorus of Los Angeles have in their repertory that fits the hesitation theme head on.  

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPykpm63TDE

 

 

[Jani]

Nice rendition.  I see its from Kinky Boots. 

[Josie Beth]

1 hour ago, VickySGV said:

This a song b yCyndi Lauper...  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPykpm63TDE

This song is my life under a microscope. Brings me to tears every time. 

 

The endless story of expectations swirling inside my mind
wore me down
I came to a realization and I finally turned around
to see
that I could just be me...

 

 

I'm not my fathers son
I'm not the image of what he dreamed of

With the strength of Sparta and the patience of Job,

still couldn't be the one
to echo what he'd done
and mirror what was not in me