Struggling with "is my brain telling me I'm female"

[LittleRed]

So my therapist, who is doing an evaluation for gender dysphoria, is asking me to figure out if my brain is trying to tell me that I'm a woman. This is honestly something I'm really struggling to have a firm grip on.

 

I'm 35-years-old. I didn't start to have strong feminine feelings and desires to be a woman until a few years ago during some extremely stressful times in my life as a husband / father. I found myself running from my problems to a quiet place during stressful moments pondering if it would be better I was a woman. Many times wishing I was a girl and fantasizing I was a woman.

 

Years before all this, I did have moments (around 19-20 years old at the time when I just got married) where my wife would be out of the house for a few days and I would try on her clothing - her "intimates". I would do this and then try to forget it as I was ashamed. I didn't really start to think about why I was doing this until this summer when the feminine feelings I have been having for the past few years were too strong to ignore and I started to research if I was transgender or not.

 

My therapist was concerned that perhaps I was originally having these feminine desires as a way to escape my problems. So we talked about that more and I mentioned that the past year has been a bit of a peaceful time for me and my family (stressors we had are gone, new job with remarkably huge pay increase and less stress, etc). While the stress I had has been nearly eliminated in my life, I still have feminine desires (and they get stronger as time goes on). I would think that if the feminine desires were an escape from stress, they would have gone away by now, right? So I think my therapist understands that now.

 

But going back to the question: "is my brain telling me I'm female?... how do I really know this? How does one really know if their brain is wired like a female or a male?

 

I'm finding lots of my thought patterns, beliefs, and personal opinions that I have had over the years to be more feminine in nature. Things I tend to believe about the world just don't align with the opinions of what "guys think". Locker-room banter has never been something I was comfortable being a part of or even listening in on. I have strong opinions on how a woman should be treated by a man that if I were to discuss with males, I'd be called a "-vagina-". However, there are still times where I feel manly and aggressive in nature. Get me behind the wheel of a 4x4 on a two track or bring me to a shooting range and I'll have a great time and my "inner man" will come right out in the spotlight.

 

On Monday I did my makeup early in the morning, put on my fem clothes, and my wig and drove to see my therapist. I felt really pretty and it felt really good to be me. But later that day I had to take all that off and get ready to take my boys to a scouts meeting. Just hanging out and being there, I had no trouble sitting through the troop committee meeting as a male (I'm definitely not out yet) in my guy clothes. Most cases, when I'm hanging out with my sons during scout meetings or campouts, I totally forget for most of the time that I'm female or have any female desires.

 

Last week I was struggling with feelings that I wanted to have my own baby someday and nurse it. I'm not on HRT so it was strange I was thinking about this. This felt really crazy to me but after talking with some transgender friends and posting about it on this forum, it seems like these are normal feelings. Most days I want to wear a dress but sometimes I just don't give a -crap-. 

 

Is my brain telling me I'm female? I don't really know. I see a lot of patterns in my life currently where it probably is. I didn't feel like a girl when I was young and I didn't try on my sisters clothing (that I know of). I have had some small moments where I wanted to participate in some feminine activities as a kid and it now makes me wonder if those moments might be significant to what I'm going through now. How does one quantify, measure, or let alone answer the question "Is my brain telling me I'm female"? I don't know of a litmus test and Google doesn't have an answer for this. How would I ever know that I have a "female brain"? I'm pretty sure I do but there is some doubt (possibly driven by some denial and fear that I still have) and its hard to ignore that there are male parts of my life that I still enjoy (and not willing to let go of). I'm struggling because I really want to be able to say that I'm 100% confident that I feel like a woman but I just don't know if I can be or not.

 

(sorry for the rant but thanks for reading)

[DeeDee]

You are further along in your journey than I LittleRed,  but I was literally having this discussion with my sister this morning! I was telling her that I want to see a therapist to make sure that my thoughts and feelings are genuine and not just me trying to escape having a mental health issue due to the stress in my life from work or my marriage being over (like questioning your gender is the easy option!)  - mostly because of my age and the fact that up until October I had never thought to question who I am.  She asked me how I feel about my feminine side when I am speaking to others including my ex, the truthful answer is that those feelings don't go away when I am talking to her or anyone else, regardless of how I'm dressed but what I can honestly say is that between the sisters that I've told and when I'm on this site I am being more genuinely myself than I can ever remember being. She felt I had my answer, I'm just glad she doesn't charge for her services - I'm following as I am very interested to see others thoughts on this discussion. x

[hmillerrr]

Just now, LittleRed said:

So my therapist, who is doing an evaluation for gender dysphoria, is asking me to figure out if my brain is trying to tell me that I'm a woman. This is honestly something I'm really struggling to have a firm grip on.

 

I'm 35-years-old. I didn't start to have strong feminine feelings and desires to be a woman until a few years ago during some extremely stressful times in my life as a husband / father. I found myself running from my problems to a quiet place during stressful moments pondering if it would be better I was a woman. Many times wishing I was a girl and fantasizing I was a woman.

 

Years before all this, I did have moments (around 19-20 years old at the time when I just got married) where my wife would be out of the house for a few days and I would try on her clothing - her "intimates". I would do this and then try to forget it as I was ashamed. I didn't really start to think about why I was doing this until this summer when the feminine feelings I have been having for the past few years were too strong to ignore and I started to research if I was transgender or not.

 

My therapist was concerned that perhaps I was originally having these feminine desires as a way to escape my problems. So we talked about that more and I mentioned that the past year has been a bit of a peaceful time for me and my family (stressors we had are gone, new job with remarkably huge pay increase and less stress, etc). While the stress I had has been nearly eliminated in my life, I still have feminine desires (and they get stronger as time goes on). I would think that if the feminine desires were an escape from stress, they would have gone away by now, right? So I think my therapist understands that now.

 

But going back to the question: "is my brain telling me I'm female?... how do I really know this? How does one really know if their brain is wired like a female or a male?

 

I'm finding lots of my thought patterns, beliefs, and personal opinions that I have had over the years to be more feminine in nature. Things I tend to believe about the world just don't align with the opinions of what "guys think". Locker-room banter has never been something I was comfortable being a part of or even listening in on. I have strong opinions on how a woman should be treated by a man that if I were to discuss with males, I'd be called a "-vagina-". However, there are still times where I feel manly and aggressive in nature. Get me behind the wheel of a 4x4 on a two track or bring me to a shooting range and I'll have a great time and my "inner man" will come right out in the spotlight.

 

On Monday I did my makeup early in the morning, put on my fem clothes, and my wig and drove to see my therapist. I felt really pretty and it felt really good to be me. But later that day I had to take all that off and get ready to take my boys to a scouts meeting. Just hanging out and being there, I had no trouble sitting through the troop committee meeting as a male (I'm definitely not out yet) in my guy clothes. Most cases, when I'm hanging out with my sons during scout meetings or campouts, I totally forget for most of the time that I'm female or have any female desires.

 

Last week I was struggling with feelings that I wanted to have my own baby someday and nurse it. I'm not on HRT so it was strange I was thinking about this. This felt really crazy to me but after talking with some transgender friends and posting about it on this forum, it seems like these are normal feelings. Most days I want to wear a dress but sometimes I just don't give a -crap-. 

 

Is my brain telling me I'm female? I don't really know. I see a lot of patterns in my life currently where it probably is. I didn't feel like a girl when I was young and I didn't try on my sisters clothing (that I know of). I have had some small moments where I wanted to participate in some feminine activities as a kid and it now makes me wonder if those moments might be significant to what I'm going through now. How does one quantify, measure, or let alone answer the question "Is my brain telling me I'm female"? I don't know of a litmus test and Google doesn't have an answer for this. How would I ever know that I have a "female brain"? I'm pretty sure I do but there is some doubt (possibly driven by some denial and fear that I still have) and its hard to ignore that there are male parts of my life that I still enjoy (and not willing to let go of). I'm struggling because I really want to be able to say that I'm 100% confident that I feel like a woman but I just don't know if I can be or not.

 

(sorry for the rant but thanks for reading)

Hey @LittleRed I know this is a really hard thing to hear when you want the answer so badly but I think I would just say give it some time. I definitely relate to some of these feelings you have but Ive come to realize that the more I start to think about it and analyze myself, I tend to supress myself even more. When I tell myself to relax and don't be afraid to just be myself, I find that the real me comes out a lot more. (I identify as FTM and I feel more comfortable with myself and not like I have to "be a girl" or hate myself for not being one when I just let myself...be) And maybe that's the same thing for you. Because I stand by the fact that you are always your truest self when you know nobody is watching. And it sounds to me like there might be a lot of eyes on you right now, including your own. I could be wrong but I hope this helps a little. PS it is one hundred percent okay to enjoy activities that are deemed "manly". Forget societal definitions of a man and woman. Good luck to you! x

                                                                       - Trevor

[LittleRed]

Just now, hmillerrr said:

Because I stand by the fact that you are always your truest self when you know nobody is watching.

 

Thanks Trevor. Thats a really good thing to think about.

 

In August I went to a professional conference by myself in Chicago (I live in Michigan). In my hotel room, there were no eyes on me and I think I had one my more girly moments just being me. This was before I really even started to present in public (which I do now once or twice a week when I go to see my therapist and when I go to the transgender support group in my area).

 

I should take note of moments like this.

[LittleRed]

Just now, SeekingSadie said:

mostly because of my age and the fact that up until October I had never thought to question who I am.

 

Yeah this happened to me in June / July of this year. I wasn't quite 35 yet and it was just now becoming a reality.

 

When it happened, it hit me very hard and my mind was aggressively desiring to be female - like thats all I could think about and it was getting in the way of life, work, and family. Its still pretty bad right now but I'm at least able to function better than what I was. It was as if I grew a new "obsession" about my gender and "whether or not I am a woman" that I can't seem to shake.

[LittleRed]

So I saw my therapist this morning and brought up this concern / question.

 

She said that as a cisgendered person, she has never woken up in the morning and questioned if she was a boy or a girl. She has never even had any stress over the thought of being the opposite gender, never wanted to be the opposite gender, never had any doubts about who she is as a woman.

 

She then said that much of what she's seen out of people who are transgender is that they typically ask this question a lot. She asked me if I wake up wondering about my gender, thinking about whether or not I'm transgender, desiring to be the opposite gender... and then asked if its a thought that bugs me throughout the day until the time I go to bed at night.

 

Yep, thats me. And it gets in the way of life and those thoughts really don't quit unless I'm sufficiently distracted... hence why I'm throwing in this reply to this thread while I'm at work.

 

So is my brain trying to tell me I'm a woman... I'm thinking yes because I can't get my mind off this stuff. If I could just not have to think about it, even for a day, it would make me really really happy right now.

[Jani]

Yes your brain is telling you something.  It's up to you to determine if its important (permanent) and if you need (want) to do anything about it.  This is where working with a counselor can help.  She is correct that cis-gender folks never wake up with that question on their minds.  

 

As you are a bit older, married and a parent there are other impact points beyond yourself so you have to carefully determine what to do and how far to go in order to become happy internally while hopefully preserving your family life, which I assume you want to do.  As been said many times, this is not a race and there is no yardstick.  You decide how far, how fast, how public you need and want to be.  Take your time and carefully consider all the choices. 

 

Jani  

[LittleRed]

Just now, Jani said:

so you have to carefully determine what to do and how far to go in order to become happy internally while hopefully preserving your family life, which I assume you want to do.

 

Thats good advice Jani. I can say that at this point, the impact on my marriage and my children so far has been a good thing since coming out. I can agree that there is definitely no race. I have one trans son (he actually came out to me before I decided to come out to the whole family). My children have decided to call me mommy (my wife remains and prefers to be "mom"). My wife so far really loves the good that this is starting to bring out of me and she seems to be attracted to the female side of me. So I can say that I'm very privileged to have a wife and children that are taking this so well.

 

As far as anyone outside my home, well thats a whole different story and I'm sure it will be very difficult and ugly. But I'm confident that on the day I fully come out, the people I know I won't lose in my life are my wife and kids, which means more to me than anything right now.

[DeeDee]

Just now, LittleRed said:

My wife so far really loves the good that this is starting to bring out of me

Worth its weight in gold! Other things in your life may be confusing or messy but knowing that kind of love and support from your family is what you are going home to will make all the difference in the world.

[Kirsten]

100% the best advice you will get is to take it slow. All of those questions will be answered by you as time passes. It’s something only you can ever know. That’s why it’s so important to take small steps for most people. I started my transition when I was 8. I came out at 39. Now that’s slow. Lol. But I did all I could to fix everything else, do everything else, and hope that things got better. For me they did not. Until I came out. And now I am happy for the first time in my life. Truly happy and blessed. 

Justvtale your time and be sure of every step you take before the next one. You’ll see who you are what you need and how to be happy. 

Kirsten 

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Red,

My three pieces of advice to those transitioning or considering it:

1. Be honest with yourself. It is not just being honest with others, it is that we lie to ourselves to please others. In some cases this includes taking certain steps that we don't need.

2. Take as much or little time as you need. This is not a race. 

3. Your transition is you transition, no one ever transitions the same way. Some get surgery, some don't some just dress up on hte weekend and that is more than enough for them.

 

I found this was a great read when I was questioning things (I know I've posted this before but just to make it easy):

https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

 

In any event for myself at age 42, after three years of marriage I had thought I had gotten rid of all those thoughts. Then the thoughts of cross dressing returned with a vengence. I just could not stop. In the end I found myself dressing up after the ex left, and actually enjoyed doing the dishes.  

[Jani]

3 hours ago, LittleRed said:

I have one trans son (he actually came out to me before I decided to come out to the whole family).

Ahh, this is interesting!  Your wife and kids have some experience.  Good! 

 

You don't necessarily need to go public to find happiness.  Seek your own balance.

 

Jani

[LittleRed]

Just now, MarcieMarie12 said:

It is not just being honest with others, it is that we lie to ourselves to please others

 

I am so guilty of doing this and I'm glad you mentioned it Marcie. I am a total people pleaser.

 

I really like the article you sent. This line was really helpful:

 

Quote

 When we replace the question “Am I sure I’m trans?” with the question “Based on the evidence that is available, and what my thoughts, behaviours, past and feelings suggest, what is more likely: that I’m trans or that I’m cis?” what was once an impossible, unresolvable question is replaced by one that’s answer is painfully obvious.

 

 

[LittleRed]

Yeah Jani, my hands are full with all this (in a good way). I also have a younger son that may be in an interesting state of self-questioning. We sat down with each of our kids (one-on-one) to see what their feelings on transgender people and the idea of transgender BEFORE I came out to them.

 

My younger son (11 years-old with some mild autism) knew immediately what "being transgender" meant when my wife asked. He also started talking to us about how he sometimes wishes he could wear pretty dresses but doesn't want to be a girl. Again, I haven't come out to him during the conversation and he is already admitting to my wife and I that he is unsure about these things.

 

So there is some interesting stuff going on with a few of my children. I'm now fully out to them and they appear to be comfortable with it. My trans son is already getting consoling and my wife and I are looking for someone to speak with my 11-year-old to see what might be going on there.

 

One thing is for sure... my wife and I have purposely created an environment where our children have always felt fee to be who they are and they know they are loved no matter what. We didn't pressure them to social norms but instead allowed them to just be kids. Because of this, a few of them have been questioning things that I was too afraid to even think about when I was their age. I feel blessed to have my children and they have no clue as to how truly fortunate they are to be in my home.

[Anders]

I have actually been thinking about this a lot recently! I talked with my counselor and they asked me (in a not judging way... even though it will probably seem judging when written here since I can't give context or tonal clues) "what makes you think that what you're feeling ISN'T feminine? Why can't those feelings be something that women feel? Why would these feelings mean you're a guy?" I'm FtM. I didn't have any answers in that moment. But where my brain goes to is "I want a male body and not a female body. I want to be able to act and dress as a man and not be criticized for it. I've never felt like I "fit" in the female category. "Feminine" things (boobs, bras, panties, periods) make me extremely uncomfortable and i've always tried to minimize/ignore these parts of my life. Dressing as a female (especially traditionally-feminine shoes for some reason, pantyhose, form-fitting shirts, skirts, certain dresses, things that accentuate any of my curves) feels so awkward and wrong. And (like you said) i feel like my thought patterns line up more with what is traditionally considered male." So I don't really know or have any answers... but you're definitely not the only person who is having these questions and feelings. 

 

I'm so glad you're speaking with a counselor, though! I hope they are able to greatly help you work out your feelings and thoughts! It's also great that your family is so supportive! Having a good support system can make a WORLD of difference!

 

Best wishes!

Lane

[Sakura]

I used to burn my brain up with these thoughts when I was younger. "am I female ?" " Are my thoughts and feelings female ?" I used to rationalize it by thinking " I like feminine things like flowers and the color pink "but then I would tourture my self because while I like flowers and the color pink I LOVE muscle cars and my Favorite color is in fact blue. I am empathetic caring and thoughtful but at the same time extremely guarded about my own emotions making the hard decisions and being as hard as a rock when I need to be. I hate direct confrontation or situations that can lead to an altercation but I am a black belt in Brazilian jujitsu and have never ran from a fight.

 

Well into my transition I used to wrack my brain with this odd duality of being me, one half of my brain felt Male the other half Female and I was constantly at odds with myself.My therapist once asked me the same question " How do I think I know? " and I told her ... " I DON"T!!... that's why I am here ,LOL" She thought that was a pretty good answer since most try to rationalize it with " I like pink" Her Ideas on it and I believe to be the correct way of looking at it is it is a case of Social conditioning vs Social Idealisim vs your self. Social conditioning as a man teaches you to shun most things feminine like flowers or the color pink because as a male one belives "social idealisim" that Flowers and the color pink are traditionally female likes. so then I become conflicted because I more strongly prefer muscle cars and the color blue "my self" but then social conditioning and idealisim tells me that both cars and the color blue are traditionally male likes. So one questions the other questions the other. Until it drives you mad.

 

So the question for me stopped being " Why do I think ?" because that question is irrelevant and the answer skewed by the three things I mentioned above.The real question becomes " How am I most comfortable being identified ?" and with an honest answer to that question everything else falls into place.  Then you start becoming the woman you will be for the rest of your life instead of the woman you think you should be for every one else.So I am the kind of woman that can empathize with you but also give you the hard advice. I will try to steer us away from places that maybe dangerous like seedy bars and clubs, but I will be the first there by your side if things go south. If you ask nicely I will fix your car but I will wear a pair of mechanix gloves because I hate getting dirt under my nails.

 

Sorry if this dosn't make sense, I broke my ankle and am dancing with the Vicodin right now.

[LittleRed]

7 hours ago, Sakura said:

Then you start becoming the woman you will be for the rest of your life instead of the woman you think you should be for every one else.So I am the kind of woman that can empathize with you but also give you the hard advice. I will try to steer us away from places that maybe dangerous like seedy bars and clubs, but I will be the first there by your side if things go south. If you ask nicely I will fix your car but I will wear a pair of mechanix gloves because I hate getting dirt under my nails.

 

Sakura, I love this and it is actually "freeing" to read. I think I'd be the same way. I love brewing beer, shooting guns, and amateur radio. Some hobbies and interests I just can't give up for the sake of trying to fit myself into a nice and tidy box. But I've also come to enjoy knitting. I learned to arrange flowers in vases over a decade ago and still enjoy that (as well as gardening). I want to wear pretty dresses but I still have no problem wearing "guy" clothes when needed. I still want to go hunting and fishing but I have desires to be pregnant and nurse my baby (even though pregnancy is not a reality for trans women yet, I still desire and wish for it).

 

But pretty much all these "guy" hobbies are things I've seen other women participate and do well in too. I don't need to fit into a nice and tidy "girl" box in order to be the woman I need to be.

[hmillerrr]

On 11/28/2018 at 9:20 AM, LittleRed said:

 

Thanks Trevor. Thats a really good thing to think about.

 

In August I went to a professional conference by myself in Chicago (I live in Michigan). In my hotel room, there were no eyes on me and I think I had one my more girly moments just being me. This was before I really even started to present in public (which I do now once or twice a week when I go to see my therapist and when I go to the transgender support group in my area).

 

I should take note of moments like this.

I think that's awesome that you have a place where u can be you even if it's just twice a week. I'm proud of you and I can't wait to see all the great things that will come out of your transition. I'm at the beginning of mine too so I understand all the stressors. Ps u are so welcome. @LittleRed

[hmillerrr]

Just now, hmillerrr said:

I think that's awesome that you have a place where u can be you even if it's just twice a week. I'm proud of you and I can't wait to see all the great things that will come out of your transition. I'm at the beginning of mine too so I understand all the stressors. Ps u are so welcome. @LittleRed

Pps I'm moving to Michigan soon and am kind of scared to see how ppl react to transitioning. How is it there? (I know you're not 100% out but I had to ask) @LittleRed

[RithiaAllen]

My Grand Parents and one Aunt and her kids who have their own families live up in the Flint region. I didn't have any issues up there after transitioning. The one thing I will warn you of is Michigan is a no fault state. Insurance will be more expensive and if someone hits you, then you will have to use your insurance to fix your car. Oh and if you get hit often enough in Michigan your insurance will drop you. So defensive driving is the name of the game up there.

 

Beyond that it is a very pretty region.

 

Oh and bring your heavy coat gloves, scarf and face mask for the winter. ?