Very confused about feelings

[SandraBear]

I was so sure I was non-binary, gender fluid or even FtM but suddenly I want to wear dresses and makeup full-time. I usually experience dysphoria about my physical appearance when I present as fully female, and usually dressing in masculine, loose fitting clothing and wearing my hair short helps a lot with that. Now I feel horrible that my wardrobe is entirely masculine and wish my hair was longer. I feel so upset with myself for feeling this way. I tried wearing very light makeup today but it felt like I was betraying who I really am, but I don't know who I am and I still want to feel pretty! It feels like no matter what I do I will be uncomfortable being me.

 

Is this a normal bump in the road? Does anyone know is this will pass?

 

I would see a therapist about this but the only therapist in my area who said they specialized in gender spent a lot of time trying to convince me that what I was feeling was selfish or that I am running from something and that I should think of how bad my partner feels.

[Susan R]

36 minutes ago, SandraBear said:

I would see a therapist about this but the only therapist in my area who said they specialized in gender spent a lot of time trying to convince me that what I was feeling was selfish or that I am running from something and that I should think of how bad my partner feels.

I'm certainly no expert SandraBear but I think walking away from this therapist is not severe enough.  I think it's time to run.  That may be some of the worst advice anyone's ever received from a gender therapist.

I don't really have enough information as to your particular situation as to what is causing your dysphoria and I'm not good at guessing .  It might be worth a longer drive to find a real therapist.

 

Good luck on your search,

Susan R?

[Kirsten]

It sounds like you are still exploring your gender, which is fine. There is no mold that you have to fit into. All that is required of you is to make yourself happy with the person you are. Gender fluid, cis, non binary, ftm, or any mix or match you choose. 

Try not to get down on yourself. Have fun exploring yourself. And I agree with Susan that your therapist sounds a bit harsh. You may be better served with someone else. 

[MarcieMarie12]

Wow, that was harsh from the therapist. I've met a few non-binary persons and they have always intrigued me. But I think the question for me that made me realize I am not even close to being non-binary was that if I could go back to being male, would I? The answer for me is no. I also realized not to try to squeeze myself into box just to fit a label.

[SandraBear]

Thank you for the advice everyone. I no longer see that therapist and she no longer practices in the area at all so she can't hurt anyone else with her nonsense. I am usually happy being "just me" but lately have been confused. I am feeling a bit better now that I have opened up about this an looked through these forums. It seems that I am not alone in this world and in a way that is comforting.

 

I went online and ordered a nice dress and some pretty tops so when I am feeling like presenting more feminine I can put those on. I have a theory that my discomfort wearing makeup is that I dress so neutral or even masculine so it just feels like it doesn't fit into what I want to present as.

[Jani]

I wouldn't be worried about your uncertainty Sandra.  As Kirsten notes there is no mold you "need" to fit into.  Continue to explore your feelings.  I admit that I don't fully understand NB people although gender fluid is easier to grasp.  I found this definition which seems to address where you are at now. 

 

"A person who is Gender Fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel more boy some days, and more girl other days.  Being Gender Fluid has nothing to do with which set of genitalia one has, nor their sexual orientation."

 

That said, you need to continue your journey of exploration to fully come to peace with your inner self, whoever that person is.  I trust you will figure this out in due time.

 

Jani