New to this forum, new to myself

[Heather L]

Hi, I'm Heather.

 

I'm 46, and, at some level, I've known that I want to be a woman for most of my life.  Certainly in preschool I remember being fascinated by the little girls in my class -- their clothing, their society, their games -- and wanting to be part of that, yet knowing that it wasn't allowed to me.  I remember when I was about five, throwing a coin into a wishing well and wishing to be a girl.

 

But growing up in Kentucky in the '70s and '80s, it was _super_ clear that even exploring or mentioning such thoughts was Not Allowed.  So when, at puberty, the desire to be a girl got MUCH stronger, I buried it, entangling it with secret teenage sex fantasies in the back of my head, but never, ever letting it see the light of day.  On top of that, I had plenty of _other_ issues to struggle through (depression, weight, dealing with my parents' alcoholism and divorce, etc. etc.), so I never really faced the female part of me.  I just suppressed her and went on with life.

 

Which went okay.  I did fine in school, met a wonderful woman and married her, have had a string of solid jobs, have a daughter who is the light of my soul.  But the woman in me never went away and the desire never decreased.  I've spent years working on so many other issues in my life, but there always felt like there was something big missing -- something unfulfilled.

 

A bit over three months ago now, I finally took a first step to facing myself in this, and all that pent-up need and identity came pouring out, like some kind of tidal wave.  It is exhilarating, but also terrifying.

 

My wife has been AMAZINGLY supportive.  It truly awes me and blows my mind.  She really, truly does want me to realize myself and to be happy.  Yet...  She's also terrified.  She knows the man she fell in love with, and that's who she desires.  She's terrified of losing that part of me.  And she doesn't really know Heather, and she's not sure if she can be in love with her.  And even the hint of the idea of losing my wife terrifies me deeply.  I love her deeply and completely, as Heather or not.  I truly don't want to damage our relationship at all -- what we have is beautiful and precious and worth almost anything to hold on to.

 

So I'm just starting my journey and trying to figure out what that journey is or can be.  Who Heather is going to be and how I can most realize myself as her.  Trying to figure out next steps and how to navigate relationships in my life.

 

I discovered this forum as one next step.  I look forward to getting to know people here and to learning from you.

 

Best wishes and much joy to you all.

[tracy_j]

Hi Heather,

 

Welcome!

 

Please don't hesitate to read around, join in and ask questions as you feel. Your wife will be feeling very unsure at the moment and need re-assurance, but you are still you beneath everything. Keep talking and learn to understand each other. Changing relationships can and do work in many cases. Talk out your issues to each other and plan the route through them. You may both change, but you will still be together.

 

Tracy

[Susan R]

Hello Heather, it's a pleasure to meet you and to read your heartfelt introduction.  It's almost like reliving my past as I read through your history.  The same kind of feelings you had and still have...are and always have been an integral part of my life.  It's a mystery to me how so many stories run similar courses and it makes me realize that it's so much bigger than ourselves.  There's no quashing the need to express this part of ourselves and yet society tells us at an early age that we must.  It takes time, maturity, and a deep understanding of ourselves to make the decision most have made here.

I'm so happy you've come to that point to see yourself as who you truly are and embrace it.  Since you're just starting out in the new facet of your marraige, take it slowly in the beginning so your wife has time to transition with you if that's where you start your journey.  After initially revealing some of my true self to my wife, my first inclination was to reveal it all and expose her to all of Susan.  After many sessions and discussions about this strong urge & apparent need with my therapist, I decided to slow it down.  I'm glad I did, for the most part.  It's still a struggle.  There are so many variables to consider so your situation may prove different.  IMHO, it's definitely something you'll want to bring up in therapy if you intend to move forward with Heather in your marriage.

 

I hope you will share more of your journey as you progress.  We are here for you and want to support you in any way we can.

 

Take Care,

Susan R?

[Jani]

Greetings Heather!!  I'm not too far north of you.  

 

So your wife is being supportive (Great!) but, that she is terrified speaks volumes to what you need to do to alleviate these fears.  Give her time and let her see the "new" person Heather is.  I'm sure, if your narrative is like many others, there are parts of your personality and persona that she is less than happy with.  I'm sure you are too.  These are the parts to be left behind.  Show her your kinder side.  Be a good listener.  Let her take the lead (this is no longer a male centric relationship!)

 

Don't be bashful about joining in the conversation and asking your own questions.  I'm glad you joined us. 

 

Cheers, Jani

[Heather L]

Hi all.  Thank you so much for the warm welcome.  It truly means a lot.

 

So to address some of the points you all have raised...

 

Going slow: I'm trying to.  We're both trying to.  It's hard, though.  For one thing, the tidal wave of gender identity is pretty intense.  For another, I'm so early in the journey that I have no idea what my path even is.  I don't know what next steps are, or what next steps are possible.  ?  So I'm exploring, but that means everything I try is new and, therefore, feels fast and scary.  But I'm discussing every step with my wife in order to avoid surprises, which is helping.  And I'm trying to understand my wife's needs in terms of pacing and boundaries and emotional support and so on and to work with those.

 

How much to reveal: Generally, we're very open with each other and don't hide anything.  And I'm not very comfortable with doing so, though there are some things that I do think would really upset her.  But she figured out that I'm trans before I even did, I think.  ? She's been very supportive of most of my experiments (e.g., in cross dressing, makeup, etc.)  She's a bit tentative on the notion of Heather -- she's supportive in theory, but still finds me-as-Heather to be...  Different enough to seem like a stranger.  ?  But she's done a lot to help me find facets of Heather and to explore who she is and what I need from her.

 

Communication:  We're actually a very communicative couple, even from far before I came out (to myself and to my wife).  We've been married for sixteen years and have come through a lot of struggles already.  We've had to learn a lot of communication skills along the way.  And those are standing in good stead so far.  We've been up lots of late nights already talking through each of our fears and hopes and needs.  Trying to understand each other's position. Listening deeply to each other, comforting each other, supporting each other.  In many ways it's good. It's just that the fears are large.

 

Therapy: Definitely!  We're both fans of therapy.  (Having overcome our early midwestern-trained suspicion of it.)  We got a couples therapist as quickly as we could once we realized what was going on, and we're both seeking individual therapists, plus finding local in-person support groups for both me and her.

 

Similarity of stories: That's both reassuring and somewhat surprising to hear.  Being new to this community and world, I have very few data points on what other peoples' experiences are.  It's easy to feel completely alone in our experiences, you know?  Especially since society can be so condemning of trans folk -- it makes it hard to share stories.  ? 

 

So...  Yeah, I'm very much hoping that we can take it slowly enough that we can both adapt together, and that with time will come familiarity and comfort.

 

Thank you all again for the welcome.  I look forward to being part of the community.

[BrandiBri]

Hi Heather and welcome! You are doing everything right, imho. Communication is very important to keep your transition as smooth as possible. Ask any questions you may have, we are here to answer them as best we can.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Heather,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you've found us!

 

It is liberating and terrifying when we come to the realisation that we are trans. It answers so many long held questions and confusion, while at the same time giving us new and terrifying questions. You described the process well as steps. That's just how we have to take it, one step at a time, one day at a time. Start slow. With me, Carla exploded out fast and wanted everything immediately. I was told early on that there is no rush, that I should slow down and take time to get to know myself. It turned out to be some of the best advice I've been given. 

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?