An all out mess

[J_Perra]

Hello! I am Jessica. I am 44 and live in NW indiana. I sat down last night to write this, and by the time I was done it was a babbling mess. I have known, fought with and hid my feminine desires for the last 38 years. In doing so, I also buried a lot of other things with it. But I met a woman whom I love, and have a child with, and gave her Jessica. She accepted me in this fashion, and it added a new facet to our sex life. She offered to help me accept this life as I was ashamed of it. As some time went on, we are now in apart, for other reasons. But without her, and not having ever told anyone else, I am lost confused and feel betrayed. 

I have since spoken to my therapist about Jessica, and she says I should accept her and try to reconcile the two me's. So not knowing where to turn, I went looking for a group to join.  Turns out there is almost nothing near me. So I found this site.  I am not sure what I expect, I guess I am just looking for guidance and answers to questions I don't even know. I still feel ashamed, but mostly hurt because of everything that trying to accept this had opened. 

Thank you for reading. There is so much more back story to this, but am writing this while in my truck on my phone. 

[RithiaAllen]

Welcome to the forums Jessica.?

[DeeDee]

1 hour ago, J_Perra said:

So I found this site.  I am not sure what I expect, I guess I am just looking for guidance and answers to questions I don't even know.

Hi Jessica, you found the right place to ask questions! Everyone here has been very patient with me (and I've asked a LOT of questions since joining ?) I hope you find what you are looking for.

[BrandiBri]

Welcome Jessica! No need to feel ashamed, we have all been in the same position you are in now. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. That was one of the best things that I did for myself. Take your time to get to know Jessica, she will make herself known as she sees fit. I know that this can be confusing, but we are hers to support you and answer any questions you may have.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jessica,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you've found us!

 

We've all lived that life of feeling ashamed of who we are. But I've learned that the shame is brought on us by societal ignorance. Before I came to accept that I was trans, I too was consumed by that ignorance. I thought my feelings were perverted somehow, and I buried them as best I could. Over the course of time since accepting myself being trans, I've come to realise that it is not a perversion, and the feelings of shame are being dumped on me from others who don't understand in the first place. I am who I am. I know that, and I don't need society to tell me my identity. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of times I wish I didn't have to buck societies ignorance. It's a harder life this way to be sure. But as I have embraced being Carla, being a girl, and started living life more accordingly, I've found more contentment and happiness in my life.

 

There's no need to feel ashamed of who you are. I hope reading and participating here will help you come to that realisation for yourself.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

 

 

[Briana]

Hi Jessica and welcome!  While it can feel like a struggle and confusing, it won't always be that way.  There's nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed about.  As far as groups go in NW Indiana, I'm surprised nothing has popped up.  I don't know how close you are to IL but there's quite a few trans support groups in the eastern burbs of Chicago.

[J_Perra]

Thank you for all the warm replies.

Briana - it's not that there's is nothing here,  just nothing close, and seems limited. 

[Jani]

Hello Jessica. Welcome!  You might ask your therapist if they know of any groups.

 

Jani

[J_Perra]

With the help of the ex, I have a picture to share.

[Jani]

Attractive.