Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Struggling with everything


Kieran_

Recommended Posts

So, within the last few months, I don’t know what happened, but something changed and all of a sudden I’m questioning everything. I’m 24 and my whole life I thought I was a cisgender straight female, but now I really don’t think I am and it’s confusing me so much.

 

I guess I’ve already sort of accepted that I’m not straight and that part was easier to accept. I think I was sort of attracted to the female body for a while and just tried to ignore it. Anyway, I started thinking about being a girl and suddenly became so uncomfortable referring to myself as a girl or woman. Girl, lady, woman, ma’am, etc all make me feel uncomfortable now.

 

I think I might be non-binary just because I feel more male than female, but I’m not sure I feel completely male. When I think about choosing one or the other (male or female) it just stresses me and I guess neither one feels totally right. However, I’m really doubting if I could actually be non binary. Like how will I know for sure? I just wonder, what if I’m just a tomboy or something? 

 

I literally never wear makeup and I have no interest in doing so. And it’s not just that, like if someone tries to make me it upsets me and I hate it. I also just wear men’s tshirts all the time and I’ve been longing to have short hair for years. I haven’t gotten my hair cut that short because almost everyone I know (mainly my family) tries so hard to talk me out of it and tell me I won’t like how it looks, and that they don’t like how girls look with short hair. Basically everything I like now is “boy” stuff. And I don’t know how to explain this well, but I’ve felt very disconnected from other girls for a long time. Like I just can’t relate to a lot of things they feel and like. I kinda feel like an alien or something. I’m not sure that I ever related to boys either but I probably do more than I do with girls.

 

Also, I’ve talked to a trans friend and they said they don’t think you can be trans without having dysphoria, which idk if that’s true because I’m obviously not an expert about this, but that makes me feel like i’m being an idiot because I don’t know if I have dysphoria. I definitely have hated my body for a long time, but I only used to hate it because I’m fat. Now I’m not sure how I feel about my female body. All I know for sure is that the thought of me being pregnant or breastfeeding makes me sick. Like it doesn’t just kind of gross me out or scare me. I hate the thought of it so much and it feels wrong. I guess I feel like idk if I want male or female parts but there isn’t a third option, so for me I kind of feel like why bother trying to change anything. All of this makes me think that I can’t be non binary. But also, I asked my friends to call me they/them so I could try it out, and when my one friend referred to me with “they”’ it made me really happy. I get pretty angry with how gendered everything is sometimes. And the thought of no longer having to be a girl does feel like a relief. I just don’t know anything for sure and I don’t want anyone to think I’m being trendy or a fake. 

 

Also, I don’t think there are any therapists who specialize in this near me and even if there were, i’m still on my parents’ insurance and I’m not out to anyone, so I can’t really go to an lgbt specialist without them knowing. They wouldn’t be hateful, I’m just really not ready to tell them anything yet.

 

I kind of worry that I’m just having some quarter-life crisis and that I’m being an idiot. I have been thinking about this for months and maybe I’m just scared to admit the truth. I just somehow literally never questioned anything about myself until this year. And I feel like I should’ve known by now if I’m really bi/pan & non binary or whatever I am. All I know is all of my girl friends I’ve talked to about this are completely sure they’re girls. So maybe it does actually mean something that I’m so uncomfortable with being female or feminine at all.

 

I’m so sorry for the super long post and if anyone actually reads this whole thing, thank you so much. I’m so confused and I need advice.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Kieran_ said:

When I think about choosing one or the other (male or female) it just stresses me and I guess neither one feels totally right.

Pleased to meet you Kieran.  It can be a shock to the system when we start questioning our identities! If it wasn't for a fancy dress party this year I would still assuming that I was a cis male!  I understand the desire for understanding but do not be in a hurry to find a label for yourself. There are plenty of people more qualified than I am who can help you out, but it is my understanding that no one can tell you what your own gender identity is, but coming here was a great step as everyone here will simply accept you for you! Have a read around the forums and see which topics you feel the strongest pull towards - it will help you narrow down your search. x

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Keiran and welcome.  Sorry to hear of your distress.  Please don't stress over labels.  Are you a tomboy?  Maybe.  But why worry about it?  Just try to be who you are, and want to be.  It's OK.  Its not a requirement to have dysphoria.    

 

It's your hair, so maybe you could get it cut a little bit shorter as sort of a test for yourself.  A therapist would be a good idea to help you sort things out.  You could say you're experiencing anxiety and need to talk to someone.  They would not report to your parents.  For insurance coding they typically code the claim with a "generic" number style as there is a privacy issue at hand.   Here are some in your area.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/ny/ithaca?sid=1545143832.007_3056  There is also a search tool at the Transgender Pulse Resources tab.  

 

Please join in the conversation.  

Cheers, Jani

 

Link to comment
On 12/18/2018 at 10:14 AM, Jani said:

Hello Keiran and welcome.  Sorry to hear of your distress.  Please don't stress over labels.  Are you a tomboy?  Maybe.  But why worry about it?  Just try to be who you are, and want to be.  It's OK.  Its not a requirement to have dysphoria.    

 

It's your hair, so maybe you could get it cut a little bit shorter as sort of a test for yourself.  A therapist would be a good idea to help you sort things out.  You could say you're experiencing anxiety and need to talk to someone.  They would not report to your parents.  For insurance coding they typically code the claim with a "generic" number style as there is a privacy issue at hand.   Here are some in your area.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/transgender/ny/ithaca?sid=1545143832.007_3056  There is also a search tool at the Transgender Pulse Resources tab.  

 

Please join in the conversation.  

Cheers, Jani

 

Thank you so much for answering. I guess I know it doesn’t necessarily matter that much, but I really want a label for myself. I want to be able to call myself something and be comfortable with it. I should mention that I worry about everything haha. I’ll feel a lot better when I know what I am for sure. Also, I might try that with my hair and thank you. I didn’t know they didn’t have to report specifically what my issue is with a therapist.

Link to comment
On 12/18/2018 at 7:01 AM, SeekingSadie said:

Pleased to meet you Kieran.  It can be a shock to the system when we start questioning our identities! If it wasn't for a fancy dress party this year I would still assuming that I was a cis male!  I understand the desire for understanding but do not be in a hurry to find a label for yourself. There are plenty of people more qualified than I am who can help you out, but it is my understanding that no one can tell you what your own gender identity is, but coming here was a great step as everyone here will simply accept you for you! Have a read around the forums and see which topics you feel the strongest pull towards - it will help you narrow down your search. x

Thank you so much for answering. Wow, I’m really glad you went to that party! I am trying to take my time, I’m just impatient haha. I just want to be happy and comfortable with who I am already.

Link to comment
Just now, Kieran_ said:

I’m just impatient haha. I just want to be happy and comfortable with who I am already.

Kieran - thank you, it was an amazing night, and I'm glad I got the chance, but it would never have happened if I had done what most of my male friends would have done and objected to randomly being given a female character to go as.  Everyone I know wants to be happy and comfortable with who they are, it is the questioning that sets you apart because you are willing to ask (and therefore answer) the questions! just keep going.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 154 Guests (See full list)

    • MirandaB
    • emilygurl
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.7k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,033
    • Most Online
      8,356

    ArtavikenGenderflui
    Newest Member
    ArtavikenGenderflui
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. afraid of self
      afraid of self
    2. Chaidoesart
      Chaidoesart
      (14 years old)
    3. Faith57
      Faith57
    4. Joyce Ann
      Joyce Ann
      (70 years old)
    5. Kelly21121
      Kelly21121
      (56 years old)
  • Posts

    • VickySGV
      As we said in the 1960's "Wipe out"!!
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://beachgrit.com/2024/04/tolerance-on-the-ropes-as-transgender-surfer-refused-entry-into-womens-division-of-longboard-contest/     Same old same old.  How will the Cis-girl surfers feel about trans men participating in their events, I wonder?   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.lgbtqnation.com/2024/04/russian-poetry-competition-bans-transgender-applicants/     Everyone in Russia knows that Putin hates LGBT people, so every segment of society gets on board with the Leader's viewpoint, or they risk his wrath.  Sounds a lot like Florida, doesn't it?   Carolyn Marie
    • RaineOnYourParade
      happy trans birthday! I can't speak personally on the subject, but I hope hormones bring you the changes you're looking for <3 
    • MaeBe
      That’s super healthy, to see that something that becomes common has less effect on you and that you are able to decipher these feelings.   Sadly, this trend tends to only deaden good feelings as we tend not to let bad feelings attenuate the same way.   I have noticed less euphoria, but still feel the dysphorias that I have. Sometimes the good sneaks in and reminds me, but often time it’s just me seeing myself in the mirror and being comfortable about what I see when embracing my realized self. I may not get the same buzz I once did, but I don’t feel incongruous when looking at a more “drab” reflection.    Wishing you strength, you are amazing!
    • KayC
      Congratulations! and Happy Trans Birthday @LittleSam! That is such a BIG milestone.  I can still remember walking out of my clinic with my first HRT presciption.  I was on Cloud-9.  Wishing you all the best in the start of your new Journey!
    • missyjo
      maebe thank you I try to be. I thank God for blessings, try to share them, beg forgiveness for my shortcomings n vow to try to do better...2 priests have said no, God doesn't condemn you just for being trans...but apparently evangelicals do   I shall vtry dear thank you  
    • MaeBe
      Meet him at the being good to others part of Christianity. At the heart of it, there are excellent tenets of the faith. Those that condemn are judging, Jesus would have us be selfless; stone casting and all that. Are you a good person? Are you putting good into the world? If your gender is an issue for God, let God judge. In the mortal realm, let your actions be heard. 
    • missyjo
      and just fi sweeten it..I'm catholic n he hasn't been for years..he's evangelical..whatever that is
    • MaeBe
      Let’s stick to cite-able fact. Most of my posts have been directly in relation to LGBTQ+ rights as it pertains to P2025 and I have drawn direct links between people, their quotes, and their agenda. I have made reference to the cronyism that P2025 would entail as well, by gutting, not cutting, broad swathes of government and replacing it with “conservative warriors” (I can get you the direct quote, but rest assured it’s a quote). All this does is constantly force the cogs to be refitted, not their movement. To say that agencies have directly defied a President is a bit much, the EPA did what Trump told them to do at the direct harm to the environment, the department of agriculture did the same by enacting the administrations forced move to KC which decimated the USDA.      How about Betsy DeVoss for Education? Or Bannon for anything? What about the revolving Chief of Staff position that Trump couldn’t stay filled? Or the Postmaster General, who did much to make the USPS worse?   Let’s not mix politics with racism, sexism, or any other ism. Because Trump made mainly white, male, appointments—many of them not, arguably, people fit for service—or unwilling to commit to term. I can argue this because, again, he’s up for election and will do what he did before (and more of the same, his words).   Please delineate how the selected diversity appointments have negatively affected the US, other than being black, women, or queer? Representation matters and America benefits when its people are inspired and empowered.
    • missyjo
      ok ladies if I've asked this before I'm sorry please delete    ok so I have 2vsiblings..one is overly religious..n preachy n domineering..so he keeps trying to talk with me n I'd like to..but he always falls into this all knowing all wise domineering preachy thing tjaz tells me he's praying for christ to beat Satan for control of my soul..which is doomed to hell bc I'm transgender    I'd like to try to have a civil conversation n try to set him strait n gsin a cooperation n real conversation    any suggestions?
    • missyjo
      abigail darling what about extensions or a wig? be brave n hang in there  to thine own self be true  good luck
    • RaineOnYourParade
      When I first started figuring things out, I got a lot more euphoria. Every time a friend would use he/they pronouns for me, I'd get this bubbly feeling, and seeing myself look masculine made me really happy. Dysphoric state felt more normal, so I guess I noticed the pain it caused me less.   Now, it's more just that my pronouns and such things feel natural, and dysphoria is a lot stronger -- I know what's natural, so experiencing the opposite is more jarring than everything. The problem is, most of my natural experiences are from friends, and I rarely get properly gendered by strangers, much less by my family. I've found myself unable to bind in months due to aches, colds,, and not wanting to risk damage.    It partially makes me want to go back to the beginning of my journey, because at least then I got full euphoria. I'm pretty sure it'll be like this until I medically transition, or at the very least get top surgery (you know all those trans dudes online with tiny chests? Not me, unfortunately). It's a bit depressing, but at least I know that, eventually, there's a way out of this.
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Major mood, right here ^^^    I've listened to Lumineers to a long time (a major portion of it by osmosis via my mom), so that is almost painfully relatable
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As for getting a button-up/formal pants suit, you can try to talk to her more -- Cis women in tuxes have worn tuxes in recent years, after all, (for example, Zendaya) so it can still be a relatively safe topic. For jumpsuits, I'd recommend going with a simple one with a blazer, if you can -- this'll make it look overall more masculine. There's a lot of good brands, but going for one without a lot of extra glitz on it will make it look less feminine under a blazer. I don't know many specific brands though since I usually just get my stuff from chain stores, sorry :<   When it comes to your hair, if you can't cut it, you can look up tutorials on fluffing it up instead. If you can pull it off, it can look a lot shorter and more androgynous instead!
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...