Hi everyone

[jo_g]

Hi everyone. Just thought I'd write to say hi. I'm glad I've found this community. 

 

A bit about me - I'm mtf having awoken to this at the age of 15 and wrestling with it until I went to university, where I finally accepted it. I spent the next three years presenting to the world as female (or, my true self) and it was amazing. My family and friends (with one or two exceptions) we supportive, using my chosen name and the correct pronouns. It was bliss. Unfortunately, as I was moving between addresses (as you do when going home over the summer break, for example) my appointment at the GIC never came through and I eventually found out because of changing my address, I had to get referred again! By this point, I was about to graduate and start my career, so it was with a very heavy heart that I bottled everything up and went back to living as male.

 

Fast forward a few years and I met someone. By now, I had convinced myself I was "over" my dysphoria and was able to live out the rest of my life as a man.

 

I was wrong.

 

Along the way, I married this wonderful woman I had met and everything seemed OK, but for whatever reason, over the last 12-18 months, the feelings so familiar to the first time came back, stronger than ever. I tried to fight them away and ignore them, but eventually, my mood was so low for so long that several people practically pushed me into getting therapy. The more I spoke, the clearer it became obvious to me that the only way I was going to live a life to natural conclusion (i.e. not end it myself) was to take action to become who I really am.

 

I'm now seeing a therapist who specialises in gender identity, am investigating voice therapy, hair removal (laser for the body hair and electrolysis for the beard) and am hoping to have my first appointment with a gender identity specialist in early 2019 to see about HRT and eventual transitioning. It's been a long path to get here, but the happiness I've been feeling at the possibility of finally feeling content in my body is so wonderful. It's still a fair way until I transition, I imagine, but I'm just happy to know it's in sight. ❤️

 

Unfortunately, my wife is having a really hard time. I'm being as understanding and compassionate about it as I can; brushing aside the rather hurtful things she's saying as justified grieving. This was the hardest part of acceptance this time around. Thing is, we love each other so much that we don't want to lose each other, but at the same time, she doesn't know if she can be married to a woman and for me, I absolutely know I can't stay as I am. I think the biggest thing here is the speed of things. For her, anything is going to be too fast and of course, for me, the quicker I can do things, the better. Especially as I'm getting to an age where hair growth is probably going to slow (or stop!!) in places I want it to grow, but speed up (eww) in places I don't want it to be growing...

 

Anyway, just a little background story. I'm hoping to use this resource to catch up in treatments and so on (a lot has changed since I was last researching etc) and also hoping to be able to offer advice too. 

[Susan R]

Hello jo_g, welcome to our little community.  Thank you for sharing your story. My story sounds very close to yours...going long periods in denial, avoidance, or simply hiding it from the world.  These all seem to be a very common theme for TG individuals but in the end it almost always catches up to us.  My wife was very reluctant and was initially against me being on HRT, sHe has over the last 10 days come full circle and has embraced many things about "the real me".  I have even disclosed additional baggage this week that I thought would make it even more difficult due to the delay in revealing it all.  She has forgiven my "lies of omission" and we're moving on with full disclosure and it feels so good.  I'm not out of the woods yet.  I've learned that much but we both have hope and her trust in me was not damaged beyond repair.  You and your wife sound like you too have a similar bond.  I wanted to share that to give you both a little encouragement.  It's a hard situation and we can use as much as we can get.

 

Warm Holiday Wishes to you and your wife,

Susan R?

[Jani]

Hello Jo.  Welcome.  I'm sorry to read that you lost your opportunity for the GIC appointment all those years ago.  It's water under the bridge and it's now today.  As you had previously lived full time and had found acceptance it is quite possible you know what you want/need to do.  As this is hard on relationships and it sounds like yours is still relatively young, maybe it would be best to separate.  You can still remain friends and support each other.  Unless your wife can see her way to changing her view on being married to a woman this seems to be on a certain pathway.  As you are still young you will both have time to reestablish your lives.  I know this isn't what you probably wanted to hear but given your past experience it would probably be best.  As you said, "it was bliss."  I urge you to have an honest conversation with your wife, and with yourself.  Follow your heart and I am certain you will be happy.  That is what is important.

 

Hugs, Jani 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Jo.  You're story sounds so familiar because it is very similar to mine, with more time between discovery and doing something about it.  Many of us share your story.  I hope yours ends as mine has, with my spouse (and son) sticking with me and happiness becoming my reality.  I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

 

In the meantime, please feel free to post wherever you like on any subject.  We'll do our best to help where we can.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[jo_g]

Thanks for the welcome everyone. It's nice to have found this community and I'm sure it will be of great use over the years.

 

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences too. ❤️

[tracy_j]

Hi Jo,

 

Welcome!

It's nice to meet you

 

It sounds like you are getting there. If you have any specific questions about the NHS system I will try to find the answers, but I suspect you have the main details anyway.

 

Tracy

[jo_g]

Hi Tracy. Thanks very much.  It's a long road ahead, so it's good to know there are people in the know for the NHS system.