So emotional this morning

[KymmieL]

For the last hour my emotions have been running rampit. I am balling my eyes out. Wondering why god has given me such a pathetic life. Why am I being punished. I have a wonderful fantastic family who love me. but I still feel alone. I can be surrounded by family yet still be alone. unloved. For as long as I can remember,The number one thing in my life is my family. I only care about them.  I can careless about myself. I know I shouldn't say that but I do and that is how I feel. Please don't think I am contemplating the big S. No I don't want to put my family through that trauma. I think my depression is falling with no bottom in sight. I cannot help it. I believe I know what I want but think I will never  get there. This coming week would be a perfect time to come out to my whole family. As I will be with them.but being chicken S@#($T,  I'll never do it. 

 

Thanks for listening (reading) Now its off to work. I be back on later. maybe with more pathetic ramblings.

 

Hugs, Kymmie.

[VickySGV]

Feeling alone in a welcoming and accepting crowd is a real thing for many of us in the Trans spectrum.  Even though we are in those places fear of our inner self isolates us.  As the character Elsa in Disney's FROZEN sings, we need to let it go and stop pretending it is not there, but it is oh so scary to do.  Coming out will not solve it completely because cis people will not understand all of what we go through, but here we do understand us and know your feelings, they are not worthless and pathetic unless all of us ares, and since coming out and being real for as long as I have been, I know we are not that way.  You are just fine, but hell yes, you are Trans.

[Jani]

Kymmie, its all right to be who you are.  Please don't feel bad.  Many of us devote our selves to our family.  This is something to be proud of.  But remember that you must take care of yourself in order to do your best for your loved ones.  It is OK if you want to wait to come out.  You need to do it on your own timeframe.  Take a deep breath and relax.  Enjoy your time with family.  Try to be happy with them.  You can come out later when things are quiet and you are ready.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[KymmieL]

Thank you, Jani and Vicky so much for those kind words of support. I was able to calm down and breath before the store opened.

It is now better. The emotions are still circling under the surface. I hope they stay under water.

 

Kymmie

[Raven1981]

Hello Kymmie:

 

We all go through the emotions and it is tough.  But like how Jani and Vicky has said, be true to yourself and come out when you are ready.  It is good to have family and to spend time with your family but also need to be there for yourself.

 

Much like what Vicky has said, take a page out of Disney Frozen with Elsa.  I love the song.  It helps so much.

 

 

[Jani]

This is an interesting song, to say the least.  

 

"Outside the film, Let It Go is also a coming-out anthem for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people: “Conceal don’t feel, don’t let them know/ Well now they know!” The lines “It’s funny how some distance/ Makes everything seem small/ And the fears that once controlled me/ Can’t get to me at all” could almost be from an It Gets Better video. “I was really excited to write an anthem that said, ‘Screw fear and shame, be yourself, be powerful,’” said Anderson-Lopez."

 

6 hours ago, VickySGV said:

You are just fine, but hell yes, you are Trans.

BE You!

 

[KymmieL]

Well I was mostly able to keep my emotions in check for most of the day. Unfortunately They have started to rear their ugly head. Just finished my shower. And they are being kept a bay. However I feel I could break down crying any second. I am putting on a brave face. and plunging forward.

 

Kymmie

[SugarMagnolia]

Hang in there, Kymmiel! Remember it's ok to let yourself experience some of those emotions too if you're in a place where you can do that.

 

If not, stay strong and take care of what you need to. Those emotions will be there to acknowledge and process when you're ready

?

[Jani]

Yes hang in there!!  You'll be fine.  Focus on your family and that you love them.   Heed Julie's advice.

 

Hugs, Jani

[KymmieL]

Well here we go again. My day off, Started with not sleeping well. rescheduled my appointment because of my phobia. Did however make my first appointment with my new PCP. A month from today. Hope to start HRT. 

 

The rest of the day been board out of my mind. goofed around on the computer but that got board. watch the first two episodes of Butterfly on Hulu. Not a bad show.  Played some minecraft. Then I get a call from the boss, he asked me to come in a close tonight. I thought why not I'm not doing anything anyway. Might as well make some overtime $$$. Not that it will help. Can't work on anything too flipping cold. Thought about working on my models today. that doesn't even sound interesting.

 

So got ready for work and hour and half early. I just sit here wondering why my life turned out so pathetic. Always thought I would do more. I thought I would at least have my own home by now. Not living the past 19+ years in low income housing.

 

I am wondering if I did something wrong, I put in for the position in Chattanooga on the 2nd. Only thing I heard was from the home office saying it was received. Nothing else, I figured I maybe that the companies manager conference was 10-12th. I haven't even gotten a reply, laughing in my face. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother, since I am just a pathetic loser. Thankfully I still have my family.

 

Sorry to spread that dark storm cloud. But I needed to let my feelings out.

 

Thanks all, you guy have been a tremendous help.

 

kymmie

[Jani]

You're not a loser.  Drop that from your mind.  We all go though ups and downs; some longer than others.  You're doing fine, moving in the right direction. 

 

Jani

[KymmieL]

Thanks, Jani. You are always a ray of sunshine in my darkness.

 

Kymmie

[Jani]

We're here to support each other dear.  It certainly goes both ways and you are special.

 

Jani

[Charlize]

I think we all have times of looking at life more as a chore than as a joy.  I know i have those times.  I've found that it is easier to get through them if i share.  I've also learned that if think of things i'm grateful for rather than my disappointments my mood does improve.  i read one story recently about a woman who does the alphabet thing of things to be grateful for for each letter.   A......animals, alive,  B......butter, bread, bright  etc.  It's harder than it seems but seems to brighten my day.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Charlize