My Journey

[Morgan91]

I believe I may be at the start of a new journey in my life. For some reason I think of myself as a fraud at times, as if what I feel is somehow going to be gone one day when I wake up. That somehow what I have been experiencing for as long as I can remember is somehow a lie, that its not true. Unsure of how to even define myself, or lacking a clear answer gives me at times this feeling that  I am a fraud, a liar to myself. Below is my story, and perhaps someone else has felt this way, or can tell me if I am somehow being disingenuous.

 

One of the first memories that I have in life comes from around the time I was 5 years old. I recall one particular day that defines much of how I felt during this age, before it became ingrained from my father mostly, that as a boy I should like different things than girls. During this time I would often find myself sneaking into my sisters room and borrowing her barbies to play with. I would play with them all the time, and when my sister found out, we started playing with them together. These were some of the best times of my childhood, before learning that I "should like different things". My mother can attest to the fact that during this time, I would only use the bathroom sitting down, as she would later recount to me I would say "I have to sit, because when I grow up i'm going to be a girl".

 

After all of these happy childhood times, when all you would do was what felt right, I started repressing a lot of my feelings. During the next few years I remember clearly starting to be mistreated by my father for acting how I felt was correct. I was just myself, connecting a lot more with girls, and playing with more girl toys. Between 6 and 7 I used to braid my sisters hair, and my mother would let me play with her makeup, these were happy times yet not destined to last. My father started making fun of me and try to make me feel bad for enjoying the things I liked, playing with barbies, braiding hair, playing with makeup, so I started withdrawing from these activities. During this time the more I stopped doing what felt right, the more I started to become an angry child, and started misbehaving. I started to feel uncomfortable in my own skin, that somehow something was off.

 

During the following years I had issues controlling my temper, and was getting in trouble all of the time. This continued until I was around 15, when I started my first relationship. His name was Norm, we shared a lot of things in common, and would sleep over at each-others houses all of the time.  At this time no one knew we were in a relationship, he was from a very religious family, and as we were both boys, we were unable to live openly with our lives. It was during this time that I though I had discovered myself, that I was somehow just bisexual, as being repressed from when I was a child I didn't connect the dysphoria I was experiencing with feeling I was really a woman. It wouldn't be until a few years later that I would discover something else new about myself.

 

After a year my relationship with Norm was almost over, as he was moving halfway through the year I turned 16, I felt during this time that a piece of myself had gone missing. It was during my time grieving that I met one of the most amazing people of my life, he name is Lacey. Lacey and I would hang out all  of the time together, I would accompany her while she was looking for clothes, and help her pick them out. When seeing her try on all of these clothes, it never connected that this feeling I had was jealousy, not realizing until later that I wanted to be able to look like she did, and try them on myself. During one adventure in a strip mall, helping her pick out clothes, they had this amazing corset that was on display, and this was when I connected that what I was feeling was that I wish I could wear her clothes. After she came out of the dressing room, I was quiet, stuck in my own head thinking about this corset, when out of no where I blurted out "I want to try this on, as I pointed to it" Fearing her reaction immediately after saying this I was calling myself stupid in my head. Then I see this GIANT grin come across her face, and calmly she states "I thought you were never going to ask". As it turns out, she knew more about me for the last year than I knew about myself, she already knew that what I wanted was to wear the clothes she got to.

 

After getting the corset on, I could not stop smiling, as though I had just found a piece of me that had been missing since I was young. After this I tried on dresses in the store, along with many other items of clothing, I felt amazing. Now, not but a few months after this my family moved from where we had been living in England, to the state North Dakota in the united states. This was a culture shock, but also, with this new place I no longer felt safe to wear or try on women's clothes, so a step was taken back again. Over the next few years I had multiple relationships with women, and tried my hardest to get into a relationship with a strait man that I knew, but this was not his cup of tea.

 

Fast forward to where I am now, at 27, having denied this part of myself I knew when I was 5 I have been depressed, and have been unable to put into words this dysphoria I have had. It was only at the end of 2018 that I realized what was happening. You see, I decided that the uncomfortable feeling I have about my body could be solved by going out and getting a tattoo. Looking back now I see how foolish and ridiculous this sounds, but at the time I thought it made sense. Shortly after getting the tattoo I was looking at it in the mirror when I came to the realization that the feeling I was having was dysphoria. But somehow, thinking about this, I feel as though I am lying to myself, as if these thoughts and feelings I have are somehow fake. I can think about this constantly, and have yet to share these feelings with my wife for fear of what might happen.

 

I tried not to make it too long so I omitted a few parts, but there it is. After all of this time I feel as if I am somehow lying or faking it to myself, as if one day I will wake up and realize everything I have felt will be just my wild imagination or something.

 

Thank you.

[DeeDee]

4 hours ago, Morgan91 said:

I believe I may be at the start of a new journey in my life.

Thanks for taking the time to share this.

[Jani]

6 hours ago, Morgan91 said:

It was only at the end of 2018 that I realized what was happening.

Hey Morgan, sometimes we have a hard time seeing that which is in front of us.  I know I did.  

 

Another thought... you need to speak with your wife.  This is important to maintain trust.

 

Jani

[Robin]

Hi Morgan,

 

I can certainly relate to a lot of the things that you have said, and I am sure that many other people on this forum have had similar experiences.

 

It is sometimes difficult to accept that these feelings are real, but the more you listen to other people's stories, the less unusual they become.  The subject is not something that is generally talked about in society, but you are certainly not alone.

 

There are many people on here that are always extremely helpful and supportive.  Don't be afraid to share your thoughts and ideas, or to ask any questions.

 

Robin.