Dysphoria...

[Michelle F]

I get it now... I can't stop crying. It's 6am...

I am supposed to be going out the door to go to local church food Bank. I don't get paid for another week. We're short this month due to upgrading to larger apartment. Getting a kitchen finally...

 

I also have a facial electrolysis procedure to attend this morning. I am crying because I can't shave due to treatment and I refuse to stand for two hours in a 20-1, mex to White, non-English speaking, hostile environment for two hours alone with people staring at the large breasted, bearded freak trying to look like a woman...

 

Been there! Done that! Not going back!

 

So... My dysphoria is now negatively affect another. Shawn goes hungry because the bearded freak is a scaredy-cat. Weakminded Chick-With-A-Dxxx!!!

[Charlize]

I'm sorry you are going through that Michelle.  Time will help.  I only know that because i've faced similar situations.  Some folks would say to simply not care what others thought or said but that is very hard to do!  Try to remember a new kitchen will make it better.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[Cyndee]

Hugs Michelle,

 

Electrolysis grow out days are the worst, we've been there, it can be darn right dysphoric and painful.

 

Like Mary, I am sending you positive energy, and may you find the inner strength to get done what needs to be done.

 

C -

[Michelle F]

Thanks all. Shawn is blessing. I truly believe God placed him in my path. We are at the church...

[Susan R]

I'm so sorry, Michelle.  I hope the rest of your day is smoother.  I agree with your statement and also think God plays a major role in our lives.  I'm glad Shawn is in your life and is someone you can count on for support.  We all need someone like that.  

 

TC,

Susan R?

[SaraAW]

Michelle, I hope your day gets from here.  Stay strong and lean on those you can, when you can. 

 

*hugs*

[Michelle F]

Food collected... I am at Transgender Health And Wellness Center. Numbing cream applied... I've stopped crying. Still feeling weird though...

 

I'm next and I can't feel my chin LoL

 

Thanks y'all... It's wonderful having every one of you for support. Thank you soooooo much!!!

[Cyndee]

8 hours ago, Michelle F said:

Food collected... I am at Trasgender Health And Wellness Center. Numbing cream applied... I've stopped crying. Still feeling weird though...

 

I'm next and I can't feel my chin LoL

 

Thanks y'all... It's wonderful having every one of you for support. Thank you soooooo much!!!

 

Glad to read this above Michelle

 

Tomorrow is another day, and keep on keeping on...

 

Hugs

 

C -

[tracy_j]

It's a steady plod intermixed with points of stress or excitement. Keep going Michelle. Most things work out better than we think.

 

Tracy

[Michelle F]

Oh. My. Gawd.

 

I just learned my Ins will cover Hair Prosthetics!

 

WIGS!

 

I mentioned to my Therapist that replacing My daily wear synthetic wigs are getting expensive. They only last 4 to 6 months with daily wear. I made it clear they do wear out. They get matted no matter what you do. I am meticulous in my care of them.

 

I told him the human hair wigs I would wear are very pricy. I don't do short! He said no worries. I got your back. Then he moved my next appointment up two weeks from 13th to 31st. OMG... I just check. An entire new appointment was added..!

 

Wow... Talk about A major dysphoria relief!

 

Wholey Chit Mon!

 

Goan make me talk all jaw make en mon!!!

(my best impression of a Jamaican dude. ROFL. The funny part is when I try to say it out loud it totally sounds like a chick trying her damndest to sound like a RASTA dude ... Like, Totally girly!)

Edited January 26, 2019 by Cyndee
Fixed typo per OP - C

[Raven1981]

So I am getting excited for my consultation on FFS but my dysphoria is kicking my butt with how much I hate seeing my face the way it is.  I am starting to hate to see my face in the mirror right now.  Its like when I look at myself in the mirror, I am not seeing me and it does not feel right.

 

What do I do with trying to get by for know while waiting for FFS?

[RithiaAllen]

If you have your FFS scheduled then take solace in knowing it will be taken care of soon. Try not to dwell on aspects that are beyond your control. Getting the surgery scheduled was in your control and it’s done. The next thing under your control is showing up when it is time.

[Raven1981]

So the first thing I have to say is that I am having some extreme dysphoria.  It felt like I am having a panic attack and anexisity attack both.  I am right now hurting cause I have fallen into comparing myself to others that are transitioning as well which I have told myself time and time again not to, cause I know everyone's transition is different.  But I find myself wishing to be beautiful and able to pass but I dont see myself as passable.  I have seen some beautiful Trans Females that say they have only been on hormones for 10 months and they are totally passable and yet here I am on hormones for a 1 year and feel like that I have hit a platue and that I still look to male.

 

I am not seeing any changes happening.  I know that I should not compare myself to others, but just sometimes it just hits me.  I have been following my doctor's orders and my T levels are very super low now where they are in the single digits and my E levels are up in the 500 range.  I have successfully changed my eating habits, my diet, my exercise.  But I feel it is not enough.  I have started voice lessons, I have been improving my walk, my posture, my mannerism, my demeanor.  But I feel that it is not enough.  I dislike the way how I look.

 

My dysphoria is really getting to me where all I want to do is shut myself away from everyone and just hide.

 

I just dont know what to do.  I keep telling myself not to compare myself to others.  We all have a different journey and I know that puberty is a long process.  But I just dont know what to do right now. 

 

 

[Susan]

Hey there Amy. If you haven't already, I would talk to your therapist more about it. I kinda know how you feel because I feel the same way sometimes but I keep telling myself that in time and with some medical intervention, I will hopefully look somewhat like I want to. Keep you head up and keep looking forward my friend. Be patient and it will work out in the end. Big hugs!!!!!!!!❤

[Cyndee]

Transition is hard, transition tests you, transition forces you to adjust. Perceptions are everything, most of this is self created, so how to calm the turbulence ? I used mindfulness myself, it worked in training the mind in how to let go, like I seem to find myself repeating this line over and over here on our forums "free your mind instead", but it's true and a recipe to long term happiness. Your feelings are like a river flowing above your head, you can choose to allow those feelings to enter your conscience, or you can let them flow by. My good friend Charlize here reminds us to use the "serenity prayer", if you are so inclined. " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference". There is so much truth in these words Amy. Your long term happiness is at stake, this is a journey of years, finding your own coping mechanisms will serve you well. Treat yourself to something nice today, be kind to yourself, you are special, you are beautiful.

 

Hugs

 

Cynthia -

[Kirsten]

Hey Amy. Sorry you’re having a tough time. You are right in saying that you can’t compare yourself to others. I find myself doing the same thing at times. And like you, it gets me down. It’s these times when I try to tell myself that I am not transitioning to be a female. I am transitioning to be myself. At this time last year I had no breast tissue. I had only men’s clothes. I was not wearing makeup. I was bald. I was unhappy and totally not myself. Now I may not be pretty but I am me. I get to do the things I want to look how I want. I can wear a dress. Or makeup. And I almost have cleavage! These little things are what keep me looking forward when it comes to how I look. 

Another way I try to look at it is that trans is just a word. A word that really means nothing. I am trans yes, but I am more me than trans. So I do what makes me.... well me. I don’t expect to be anything except me. 

Where my dysphoria comes in is more about my role in society. Where I fit in. Who I am supposed to hang out with. What activities I should or should not be involved in. Every person looks different in this world. Some cis women look masculine. Some cis men look feminine. Barring surgeries we have no control over these things so best not to dwell on them if you can. 

I don’t know if this will help at all, but know that you aren’t alone. 

[Raven1981]

Thank You everyone.  I am looking forward to going to TSAZ (Trans Spectrum Arizona) tomorrow.  I plan on talking to one of the facilitators tomorrow on a 1 on 1 before or after the group.  TSAZ is a very big but wonderful group.  Checkout their website or even their Facebook page.

 

I am trying to not let others get me down, and I know that everyone transitions differently.  But for whatever reason when I see how beautiful they are is when my dysphoria comes up.

 

But I can still say that I love the fact that I am myself and living as myself.  OMG do I love and I mean LOVE wearing the nice A line flowy skirts and the nice A line flowy dresses that go down to my knees.  Then I just love putting on makeup.  I just dislike right now that I am still showing masculine features and I feel like I have hit a plautue.

 

Thank you all.  

[Susan]

Well said Cyndee and Kirsten. I hope you have a great time Amy. 

[Susan R]

On 1/24/2019 at 7:51 AM, RithiaAllen said:

Try not to dwell on aspects that are beyond your control. Getting the surgery scheduled was in your control and it’s done. The next thing under your control is showing up when it is time.

Rithia, this is some great advice..especially in this situation.  So many things in life are out of our immediate control.  This is exactly how I think when dealing with issues like this and trying to reduce the stress surrounding it. 

 

Susan R?

[Michelle F]

On 1/23/2019 at 11:34 PM, Michelle F said:

... a RASTA dude .. Like, Totally girly!)

t...this is supposed to say RASTA dude not taste dude

 

This is why we need editing.

 

 

It sounds like I was tasting a dude...

 

Not possible... I am lesbian!

[Michelle F]

I'm so sorry, Amy!

 

I dont' mean to diminish your issue.

 

I am having my own DYSPHORIC episode over this "not able to edit typos" thing. I tried three times to. Correct taste v Rasta. It would not change. No edit function so now the taste dude is in stone.

 

I HATE THAT!

 

It is really bothering me

[Cyndee]

Just now, Michelle F said:

t...this is supposed to say RASTA dude not taste dude

 

This is why we need editing.

 

 

It sounds like I was tasting a dude...

 

Not possible... I am lesbian!

 

Mod squad to the rescue,

 

We can't let that typo stand Michelle

[Michelle F]

Thank you?!

[Raven1981]

My dysphoria is still there.  But going to TSAZ really helped.  So I feel better.  Ii just love going to group

 

 

[Raven1981]

I am so thankful to find out that my insurance is one that actually covers all of the Transgender surgeries.  My face is one of my biggest areas of dysphoria cause it's the one that people see and I just feel uncomfortable with having mixed areas of my face showing male and female.  It's my nose and jaw / chin that is the biggest dead give away on me and I cannot wait till I schedule my FFS and get it done.  This will help me out alot.

 

The next area of biggest dysphoria to me is my birth defect as I call it.  I still have the same dream on just getting rid of it.  But since I am able to tuck and hide it very well.  The FFS is the first surgery that I want done to help me out.

 

Lots of Love