Fear of Transition

[killjoyaiden]

So, I'm almost to the age now where I can transition, and it's been on my mind a lot. Excitement, anticipation, but also fear and worry. What if the testosterone makes my body even further from what I want it to look like? I don't want to be a crazy hairy man. I don't want to look too Neanderthal or too redneck, as that's kinda what my family looks like. I'm just scared of the affects of the hormones. I'm also scared for surgery. I don't know for sure yet if I want bottom surgery, just because of the skin graph that they have to do. I'm scared for top surgery because I know I'll be self-conscious of the scars. I can't get key-hole because I'm slightly too big. I'm worried that the scars will be awkward and/or too visible. My body scars easily, so I know that surgery will look awful. But, I need to get top surgery. I can't bind with a binder and achieve the flatness I want because I'm so large. Does anyone have any pep talks or advice on how to deal with this?

[Kole Rickard]

Look babe, I understand completely. I'm pretty sure everyone that transitions has this problem of fear. I most defiantly do. I bind my chest with my own damn sports bra's for Christ sake, but the after math of testosterone and surgery is unknown. You may hate it, you may love it. It's just how your body reacts. If you family is more of rednecks then change that and don't be one if you don't want to. It's more of a style than a look. Everyone deals with scars after the top surgery. There is scar medicine that can control them. Though I know there will always be scars, it's just going to show what you have gone through. And that's a lot. Bottom surgery if your choice. All your choice. There may be things that you dislike about it but once you get it, you could feel better about being a boy yourself. (But that's just my opinion.) There are also binders for all shapes and sizes. My chest is in the bigger category as well. Instead of getting a half top get a tank top binder. The flatness might not be how you would like it but its better than nothing. What you want to look like is in your control. You can control everything you do and how you look. The testosterone is just changing the way you grow hair and how your voice is. Changing your body and look. You can maintain that look though. Once you are satisfied, you learn to deal with it. The surgery, the medicine, everything will be a relief. But of course its okay to have second thoughts about. Its fine to not follow through the surgery. But i'm just saying if you do, you will achieve more of your goal.

[killjoyaiden]

Just now, Kole Rickard said:

Look babe, I understand completely... But i'm just saying if you do, you will achieve more of your goal.

Thank you, love.  

[Leo]

Relax and take your time.  I know it seems like everything is happening at once, and you want to change everything at once, however, realistically, it doesn't work like that.  It all takes time.  It would help tremendously to speak with a gender therapist before considering surgery or hormones.   If you identify as a man, then you are a man despite your bodies appearance.  Some may want to look like a man according to what our society considers to be man.  Others, like myself live as men with female bodies.  A gender therapist can help you find what is best for you.  As far as binding, I have never done so and I have a very large chest.  I have passed as male for ~25 years mostly because of my mannerisms, and also because of the way I disguise my body under layers and baggy clothes, haircut etc.  Starting with simple things like haircut, clothing choice, moving and thinking like a man will help others to perceive you as a man.  However a gender therapist will help you discover the type of man you would like to be and will also help you with the dysphoria that you feel. 

[killjoyaiden]

I'm not really sure what I want my body to look like. I'm not completely on the masculine side of the spectrum, although it varies some days. Some days I'm full-boy, but on the others, I'm more trans-nonbinary. I don't want to look like an alpha-male, I want to look like a regular, toned guy. I don't want to have loads of chest hair or anything like that. Some people would call it a "nine-year old girl's body" lol because of the fact that there's little body hair. I always think of Tyler Joseph when I think of what I want my body to look like. That's the most perfect example.

[JJ]

Unfortunately as others have said. You don't get to choose what you look like. Any more than any cis person does. That gave me pause before I transitioned 8 years ago. I could see no purpose in going through all that and ending up a fat broken old man instead of a fat broken old woman - didn't tiurn out that way btw. Ended up a fit guy whose age is always guessed to be late 40s early 50s. trandition gave me a whole new life.  I've had to show ID every time on senior discounts at nearly 72!

I didn't want to be a short hairy man either. I am  but as I realized one day living as any man is better than living as a woman - any woman. And as transition progressed I liked what I saw better and better. Felt connected to myself for the first time. I suppose the hardest thing has been losing so much of my hair but it still beats living as a woman hands down.

Transition is hard - and hard work. There are thousands of bits of socialization to relearn and that period of neither male nor female when people try unsuccessfully not to stare to get through. If it's right for you it is also glorious. The hardest most stressful and most rewarding thing you will ever do.

 

If you can be happy and true to yourself living as a woman or as not male then don't transition. If you can't then do it. That is what it comes down to in the end.

What kind of man you are, how you dress and express your masculinity actually affects your looks a lot and that is up to you.

Just a note on binding - there is no safe binding and tight sports bras can also do damage.  The only large study ever done showed all binding does damage eventually- some of it permanent. And because binding also compresses the chest it also feminizes more than masculinizes.

People don't look at or gender by a man's chest unless something gives them reason. Past puberty normal men are NOT flat. Some even get silicone injections for pecs. And some women are flat. So people don't use it to gender unless something is off elsewhere. But they DO unconsciously gender by chest width to hip ratio. It's a major determinant. Anything that makes you chest sc Male has a negative impact on being seen as m as ke anf will draw scrutiny. People always look at a pigeon chested man. We focus so much on binding because of the deep symbolism of breasts ti us. They are when our bodies changed and they are the one thing we can physically alter on our own. Unfortunately it really is counterproductive instead.

But you CAN safely wear UnderArmour athletic compression shirts. Because they are designed to move and breathe in. The NFL and MLB wear them for games es. Only UndrrArmour works because it is a patented material that stretches in twice as many ways as normal material while staying firm. also has the advantage of keeping you warm in winter (Cold Gear) or cooler in summer (HeatGear).  it looks horrible on because it fits like a second skin. It's all I've been able to wear for 7 months due to some lung issues and I'm well endowed. I haven't been misgendered a single time! Not even while directing a play with a cast of nearly 40. And I wear tees and jeans all summer. I get them a size smaller than my shirt size.

Hope some of this helped . I know it's a hard decision!

Johnny

[ChickenLittle]

Your fears are all so familiar to me. Before I started T I would think to myself, "at least now I'm decently attractive as a 'woman,' maybe that's better than being an ugly man?" I worried nonstop about top surgery and scars and hair loss and hair growth and body shape and everything else. 

 

And I don't blame myself or anybody else for worrying about those things-- the unknown is scary! Puberty is extra scary when you're the one deciding to make it happen. But for myself, it turns out all that worrying was a waste of energy. I can't imagine ever going back or wanting to look like I used to. My top surgery ended in some complications and more scarring than anticipated, and sure it's a bummer, but overall I'm so thrilled to be out of that damn binder. People tell me I look good, and I believe it's true. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the reality of the changes that come with a medical transition (for me at least) aren't nearly as scary as I built them up to be. 

 

All that said, there's not a checklist of things that are required to transition. If there are things you don't want, or things you aren't ready for, you can take your time. I know what you mean about bottom surgery. I'll probably never do it, myself. And that's fine! And what Johnny said about cis guys not being completely flat? It's SO true. If you pay attention, lots of cis guys have "moobs" or pecs or whatever, but it's almost never totally flat unless they're super super thin. 

[killjoyaiden]

Thank you guys so much. You have helped me tremendously.