My travels as a Trans Man

[Jordy]

I came out June 5th 2018.  Someone suggested I might be trans and I googled it.  I had no idea that there were FTM trans people I thought it was just MTF.  I waas so freeing!  I really jumped in with both feet.  About 2 weeks after coming out I went to Pride.  I talked to people, I was researching, joined groups on facebook, on discord, reading blogs, news, following trans youtubers....you name it I was looking.  Even got the gender workbook from my local library and worked through it.  I found this site just a few days ago.  I started T about 7 weeks ago but skipped 3 weeks when I became suicidal and had to have my mental health meds adjusted but I'm back on it now.  My voice has already changed a little and I have a light shaddow on my upper lip from shaving.  I've already legally transitioned. My BC and ID both say I am Male. I got my name changed (if anyone is curious about my birth name I don't mind saying it it never bothered me I just didn't like it).  Here is a pic of me from 2014  then a pic I took the other night.

[Cyndee]

Good Morning Jordy, that's quite the change in your pictures, thanks for sharing part of your journey of self realization with us here. I have a ring that looks like yours

 

I hope you have a wonderful day

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee

[Robin]

Hi Jordy,

 

It is great to see that you are making significant progress with your journey.  I look forward to future updates.

 

Robin.

[Charlize]

I am glad you have joined us here.  It is odd that so many never think there are FTM folks.  I remember times when i felt that but that being said the first post op trans person i met was FTM.  In one GLBT group i am a part of there are often 4 trans men and just little ole me.  

Hope you continue to share your journey here.  We help each other as no-one else can.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

If I haven't already said hi, please let me welcome you to Trans Pulse, Jordy.  It is indeed freeing to finally acknowledge publicly who you've known you are.  I hope you learn a lot here, and I'm sure we'll learn a lot from you.  See you around the forums!

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jordy]

Thank you all!  I had a great day out yesterday as I said on the Coffee post in General but I want to share it here.  I went out wearing dress pants, dress shirt and a tie.  I also had a pronouns button that I got at last year's Pride event.  I can't wait for this year's.  I went to Vintage Stock, a video game store in the US, and was treated like any other guy.  It was very nice.  I usually get ma'med a lot.  I go in for lab work this next week.  I have to explain to my doctor that I had to be off T for 3 weeks due to being suicidal over Christmas and needing to get my meds in order.  I live with Schizo-affective disorder.  Sometimes I miss girly things so I dress kinda fem at home but I love going out dressed like the man I am.  I am researching Demi-boy to see if that or Demi-girl might be better for what I feel. For now I just accept I am a Feminine gay guy ha ha.

[Jordy]

Hey all!  I wanted to post a quick update.  I have and app that tells you how your voice registers and I used it today. I'm at the top of the male range already!  I was in the androgynous zone before T.  I'm excited to see how low I go if it's like this already. It's so exciting knowing that the stuff is doing it's job.

[Susan R]

This is great news, Jordy.  Good to hear you're making quick progress. ?

[Jordy]

I'm not sure how to count how long I have been on hormones though.  I got 3 weeks in and had to skip 3 weeks due to mental health med adjustment and now I am 2 weeks back on.  Do I still say I am 2 months on or ??

[Jani]

I would count from when you actually started, despite having to stop.  I also had to stop soon after starting for a planned surgery.   In the long run it won't matter.    Enjoy!!!   

[BrandiBri]

Welcome Jordy! It's always great when we are properly gendered. Wishing you the best in your journey.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Kole Rickard]

Welcome to the site! I'm FTM as well. I'm only 15 though. I haven't started the process of hormones or surgery as I am too young. I'm surprised you haven't heard of the female to male transitions before! I don't know many but there's defiantly a lot out there. 

[Jordy]

Kole,  I learned about FTM last year when it was suggested that I might be trans and began researching.

Some thoughts I'd like some feedback on:

Growing up I was bullied and beaten for being different.  I got it at home, I got it at school and at church.  I have always felt like a gay man in a woman's body.  I was always attracted to men that weren't straight. I couldn't tell anyone, even when I went to a high school full of LGBT kids because I was afraid of what ended up happening would happen.  I was bullied for acting like I am. A gay man.  When I was 18 I fell in love with a bisexual crossdresser but I couldn't act on it because I was so busy trying to be a straight woman.  I thought something was wrong with me.  I ended up marrying an abusive, straight, manly man to perpetuate the lie.  I wouldn't change that though because it gave me 3 lovely children.  I find it odd that so many LGBT people have it hard in life.   Why can't we just be?  We're normal people.

[Kole Rickard]

Oh @Jordy i'm so sorry to hear that. I've had a rough child hood as well. I wasn't born in the U.S. I don't know my parents. I was in and out of foster homes. Most people were in it for the money. I soon was adopted at five in the U.S. I have an older sister who is no longer with us. My dad had blamed me for her death for I have drove her nuts! I have developed anxiety and depression at a young age as well. At 9 years old is where it all went down. I was unhappy. I noticed how I hated being a girl. How I felt so uncomfortable and sad. I refused dresses and girly everything. I loved bugs and dirt! From then I told my parents and they brushed it off easily, thinking it was some kid phase. I have attempted 2 suicides and harmed myself. But now I am 15 and I have a stronger system. I try to stay happy as much as I can. Though I have low social abilities I have great friends and a good partner. I will say things do get better for sure when you grow and develop. 

[Jordy]

@Kole Rickard  I'm glad you have good support now. I do too.  I live with my fiance (cis male) and my best friend (MTF).  Living away from my mother has helped us build a good relationship.  I wish I could have contact with my kids but it is too emotionally damaging to deal with my ex and his girlfriend.  I took a big risk and messaged her on facebook coming out as trans.  It doesn't say she has seen it though and it has been almost a week.  I have a feeling she stopped getting on facebook.

[Kole Rickard]

@Jordy Im glad you have good contact but its not right to not have contact with your kids. I think you should visit them once in a while at least. I'm sure they'll understand everything.

[Jordy]

The state says I am a danger and a flight risk so I can't.  I don't even know where they are because their father cut off contact.  I messaged his girlfriend to come out to all of them as trans but it doesn't even show she has seen it.

[Jordy]

I finally decided I wanted a packer but I don't have the money to buy one. So I improvised and made my own via crochet.  I've been wearing it since I finished it and it's a little awkward but I think it's because it's new to me.  Overall, it feels right.  

 

I got my blood drawn to get a bunch of stuff checked including my T level. I get the results on the 21st.  Will share how I'm doing around then.

[Kole Rickard]

I'm so sorry about your kids. I wish there was a way I could help. Maybe you can drive to see your children when you get back in contact with them. I think it's wrong that their father has prohibited all contact. They're your children too. You have gave birth to them for -birds- sake! I hate the way that is. You should contact court to see your children. You need more custody. At least they could visit once or twice every other month. It's honestly not healthy to be in this much pain. I'm not too sure how old they are but I think they need to know who their birth parent is. They should get to know you and accept what you are doing. Your ex partner is very abusive in so many ways it's not even funny. I just hope your life gets so much better...

[Jordy]

I'd rather not spend too much time talking about my kids. It's hard on me.  The state says I can't see them alone so I would have to go to them and I can't drive.  I have visual hallucinations when in a vehicle.  I don't know anyone that could drive me either.  I don't have the money to sue to have visitations either.  

[Jordy]

You guys have helped me see I deserve to be in my kids' lives. I found my ex's address online and wrote a calm collected letter explaining that I expect to get calls, letters and will help with gas money for a monthly visit since we live 3 hours apart. They have a car and he drives so he can drive here since I can't drive and don't have a car.  I told him if he won't allow me in their lives then I will go to legal aid for help.

[Kole Rickard]

Im so sorry. If i were old enough I would help much more. I agree, lets talk about another topic that is less heartbreaking. Im glad you have access to his address now! Good luck!

[Jordy]

@Kole Rickard  Thanks.

 

I'm looking to get into shape and lose some weight so I am joining a gym this morning.  I'm also going to start eating more fruits and veggies.  I'm going to weigh myself every Sunday and track what I am eating on myfitnesspal.  I'm not sure what all this gym offers but I look forward to getting started and in the summer we have access to a pool.

[Kole Rickard]

That sounds great! I need to start working out and eating more healthy myself.  I hope dysphoria doesn't affect you during swimming.

[JJ]

Welcome to the site!

The best advise I got in the beginning is to let things happen as they happen transition wise. It is a time we can become very caught up in the minor details when most are just our own preference and our own call. Sometimes we find ourselves and ideas changing as we go along - and that's fine too.

There is no right or wrong way to transition except to rush it. Almost ever person Ive seen run into difficulties outside of medical situations has been because they wanted t rush. It's a big adjustment and a slow process. Transition is not a matter of weeks or months but years. t is also highly individualized just like cis puberty where some kids look like bearded men at 16 while others still look like young kids. In the end they all grow up. And the skinny hairless kid may end up being as big and hairy as the other one.

 

All the best

Johnny