Straight guys flirting after coming out?

[Ashlee]

Hi all. So Im having some strange stuff happening lately. I've been posting a lot of pictures on social media, all different platforms, but as me. I've been feeling a bit more secure so I'll post pictures of me out and about, at clubs or anything really. The real me without really caring about people opinions of me. It's very liberating. Very free and omg the stress of the double life is all but disappeared. Anyway, here lately I've been getting messages from male "friends" that I haven't talked to in person or seen in many years except on social media. Just out of no where. These guys are straight with wives, children, girlfriends etc. They message me stuff compliments and ask to get coffee and or go somewhere to get caught up on life. That's fine but the some are asking for pictures of me and saying some really uncomfortable things. Talking about being straight but having fantasies and just some off the wall stuff. These guys are family men and straight or so I thought. Of course I decline the advances, especially because of the fact they are married. I feel as if they just want me to be a dirty little secret or something. Is this a comon thing for trans girls? I don't want to be a dirty secret or whatever. I want someone to be proud of me next to them.

Idk, gust venting I guess. 

Ashlee ??

[VickySGV]

Sadly we have to navigate our way through a group of "straight men" that we refer to as Admirers, or in the past as <offensive word> Chasers.  To "Admirers" we are sexual fantasies and sexual fetishes with only some weak connection to being people.  They can be flattering and in person can be validating in small ways, but in all but a very few cases the "validation" becomes very shallow and turns icky since it heads toward sex.  We keep this place here Admirer free. 

 

I have had more than one of them try hitting on me during the time I was CDing, especially in my club days.  Several months into my HRT I went back to one of the clubs I had been to and at first was being hit on by some of the Admirers, but I had told another "girl" there that I was on HRT, and was far enough along that lower body action was slowing down.  She let it out to the squad of Admirers, and from that point on they had nothing to do with me in that club.   

 

All that said, yes there are cross dressers who like the idea of being a sexual fantasy and who respond to them.  There are also some men who do not want the sex and can be OK to talk to as friends on guy topics as well.  It is a wide and weird world.  It is a condition of our condition.

[Susan]

I really dont know that answer ashlee. I wish I did. Funny though, I dont get hit on nor do I really have any friends here.? I wish I did. But at least I have my therapist I can talk to just about anytime. That's is on thing I am so thankful for. Message me sometime.please? Hugs!!

[Josie Beth]

I have been hit on by “Admirers” in girl mode and by gay men in guy mode and in both cases overwhelmingly it’s been very uncomfortable and vulgar. One time I literally had to make a scene in public by yelling “No! I don’t want to be your friend or anything else. No means no! Get away from me please!”

 

It happens, frequently. Eventually like Vicky said, they stop trying after they find out that there’s no action going on downstairs. But until then it’s probably going to get monotonous explaining things over and over. It’s just another horrible hurdle to get around. I still get approached by curious men on certain apps but I weed them out with the block button. Married men, or guys who want to have some kind of down low fantasy? Red flag, no thanks. 

 

It’s going to be a constant struggle. Here I’m dreading dating as a girl because most men around here are closeted and married, so just to increase the dating pool with better options I know I will have to relocate to someplace else where dating a transgender woman is more acceptable. 

 

It’s a rare man that “gets” it, that we just want to be treated like any other woman who deserves respect without objectification. So strap in girl. It gets better but it doesn’t ever go away 100%. And occasionally there’s also female “Admirers” or even couples who fantasize about a trans women too. It’s out there.

[Ashlee]

It's uncomfortable for sure. Very unexpected. One guy won't let up messaging me. Saying some creepy stuff. A guy at the club last night grabbed my wrist and forced me too him to talk to me. Im like 5'3"/5'4" almost and not big at all. Like a size 6/7 And he was huge. I was waaaay over powered and frankly scared for a second. The girl I was with got in between he and I yelled at him to "back of her girlfriend" thank God. It's really dangerous ut seems.

Ashlee ?

[RithiaAllen]

11 hours ago, Ashlee said:

Hi all. So Im having some strange stuff happening lately. I've been posting a lot of pictures on social media, all different platforms, but as me. I've been feeling a bit more secure so I'll post pictures of me out and about, at clubs or anything really. The real me without really caring about people opinions of me. It's very liberating. Very free and omg the stress of the double life is all but disappeared. Anyway, here lately I've been getting messages from male "friends" that I haven't talked to in person or seen in many years except on social media. Just out of no where. These guys are straight with wives, children, girlfriends etc. They message me stuff compliments and ask to get coffee and or go somewhere to get caught up on life. That's fine but the some are asking for pictures of me and saying some really uncomfortable things. Talking about being straight but having fantasies and just some off the wall stuff. These guys are family men and straight or so I thought. Of course I decline the advances, especially because of the fact they are married. I feel as if they just want me to be a dirty little secret or something. Is this a comon thing for trans girls? I don't want to be a dirty secret or whatever. I want someone to be proud of me next to them.

Idk, gust venting I guess. 

Ashlee ??

Oh my goodness yes it is absolutely a thing and they are known as chasers.

 

The thing is married ones are not cool because it is cheating, you are dead on with that assessment.

 

The ones that are not cheating still probably won’t work out as relationship material. I had a bunch chasing me for a while and I never dabbled too much into it. However I can say I still get a lot of attention on Facebook with people not knowing my status. My family knows but I don’t talk about it. Some people from work that I am friends with chat with me and past coworkers can get quite flirtatious. That’s just the way it is for men and woman. Keep your morals, don’t knowingly cheat and enjoy the attention on your own terms.

[RithiaAllen]

I apologize I didn’t realize chaser was offensive. Please swap chaser for Admirer in my post and then remove this message.?

[RithiaAllen]

9 hours ago, Susan said:

I really dont know that answer ashlee. I wish I did. Funny though, I dont get hit on nor do I really have any friends here.? I wish I did. But at least I have my therapist I can talk to just about anytime. That's is on thing I am so thankful for. Message me sometime.please? Hugs!!

You have friends. You can always talk to me.

[Josie Beth]

1 hour ago, Ashlee said:

It's uncomfortable for sure. Very unexpected. One guy won't let up messaging me. Saying some creepy stuff. A guy at the club last night grabbed my wrist and forced me too him to talk to me. Im like 5'3"/5'4" almost and not big at all. Like a size 6/7 And he was huge. I was waaaay over powered and frankly scared for a second. The girl I was with got in between he and I yelled at him to "back of her girlfriend" thank God. It's really dangerous ut seems.

Ashlee ?

Yes it can be dangerous. I don’t go out alone at night and I don’t go anywhere without letting someone know. That’s probably why I stay home lately. The more friends that go along the better. I’m even tempted to start a new rule about first dates: bring a friend or double date. It’s much more difficult for anything bad to happen that way.

[Beverly]

I hate to say this, Ashlee, but that's a good problem to have in my book, as long as it isn't vulgar or threatening. You're attractive to men! Celebrate that part. As others have said, there are 'chasers'', guys that see trans women as a fetish, and married men looking for a fantasy hook up. As a dating single woman, I've been exposed to all of them one way or another. However, I have also dated nice straight men who learn my status but are attracted to me as a woman and treat me with respect. Men aren't attracted to a woman for her genitals. They're attracted to feminine traits, gender confirming visual cues, personality and so forth. Truth be told, most men are afraid of a vagina, and not having one, really don't know what to do with it. 

[VickySGV]

2 hours ago, RithiaAllen said:

I apologize I didn’t realize chaser was offensive.

 

The word Chaser by itself is not really  offensive  ---

 

13 hours ago, VickySGV said:

in the past as <offensive word> Chasers. 

 

The offensive word I meant there was an old term for Cross Dressers and it is making itself back into some general use.

[Charlize]

   Unfortuntely while the club scene can be fun and accepting it is also a place where we too often get hit on.  When alcohol is present those advances can get dangerous.  Too often i read of a sister being beaten, abused or worse in the vicinity of a club.    Going with a friend and not drinking to excess can make you safer.  I enjoyed the clubs and found an accepting space there but please be careful.

  

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ashlee]

8 hours ago, Beverly said:

You're attractive to men! Celebrate that part. 

I love that part for sure. The married part not so much lol. The the being over powered part noy so much. That act kinda scared me. I will definitely be bringing my girl friends with me. 

 

8 hours ago, Beverly said:

have also dated nice straight men who learn my status but are attracted to me as a woman and treat me with respect.

I hope to find tho s one day. 

 

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

   Unfortuntely while the club scene can be fun and accepting it is also a place where we too often get hit on.  When alcohol is present those advances can get dangerous.  Too often i read of a sister being beaten, abused or worse in the vicinity of a club.    Going with a friend and not drinking to excess can make you safer.  I enjoyed the clubs and found an accepting space there but please be careful.

  

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Yes, it's a lot of fun. I don't drink so I usually have soda water with a lime. I'm definitely no ever going alone. The week if Feb 21 is pride week in ft lauderdale. I'm so excited to go. Music, dancing fun and danger. My whole girls crue us coming with me for that. I love my girls

Ashlee ?

[JimmieJasmine]

12 hours ago, Josie Beth said:

first dates: bring a friend or double date. It’s much more difficult for anything bad to happen that way.

Great advice for all not in relationships!  ?

[JimmieJasmine]

13 hours ago, RithiaAllen said:

Keep your morals, don’t knowingly cheat and enjoy the attention on your own terms

Wise advice.  ?

[Beverly]

Many of the issues for trans women dating men aren't unlike the issues cisgender women face. Whether a man is turned on by the idea of being with a trans woman, if he knows she's trans, or a cisgender woman with certain traits, it's the same idea of being objectified sexually. I think I'll start a separate thread on dating. I'd love to hear more from others who are out there. 

[Ashlee]

Yes, very good advice. I'm not comfortable going out alone really. I usually have at least one other from our little crew with me. I'm actually finding out that a few of my guy friends said the don't care that I'm trans. A couple say they already thought something was "up" with me and would watch my like they would their sister. That really made me feel good. I was surprised actually. 

Ashlee ?

[Michelle F]

This is the letter I wrote to my shrink after my only experience in a club with a moment alone. This was penned on January 4, 2019:

Dearest Ryan,

I wasn't going to bother you but Shawn suggested I should at least tell you what happened.

Ok... Shawn bought us a room at the Spa on New Year's Eve. Wonderful bar with fun music. It was great. We danced and had a blast. We had some friends with us and it was a really fun night at the Spa...

...until

Shawn had 'walked out' the last of our visitors that were not spending the night. It was cold and he and I decided not to go to the pools and have another drink inside instead. Meanwhile, I went to bar to order drinks and struck up a conversation with this cute guy sitting close to the end of the bar waitress station where I had placed our order.

 

I was attracted to him until one of his friends said I resembled Robert Plant, lead vocalist for Led Zeppelin (testosterone fueled hard rock).

Cutey defended me when the friend mentioned possible Chick w/a D and then cutey said loudly, "If I found wrong plumbing I would...(implied violence)..." I felt cornered and pretty much trapped!

Shawn walked back in at that moment...

I claimed "Fiance`s here "comma!" thanks for drink offer!" And bolted...

Moral of this story... My boobs are progressing just fine... I want bottom surgery soon as belly skin removal is healed. I can't risk getting a buzz and doing something carnally stupid!

Top surgery can wait...!!!

Little boobs are easier to explain than a shrunken ballsack with attrified olive pit testicals. It May be fem but clearly boy!!!

I was terrified! I am really scared to get trapped outside alone after dark.

I saw Anthony (PCP) yesterday afternoon. IEHP (INS) failed to inform me of new "5 day prior" ride reservation policy. So I was relegated to bus. It takes two busses to get to and from DAP. It was dark last night by the time bus got me home. I was scared -clean bathroom-
 

Thanks for listening, Ryan!
Love,
Michelle

This was the single most frightening thing that has ever happened to me. Vietnam was a cakewalk comparatively.

 

Ashlee, Just be careful and mindful when going out. Don't go alone! Ever!

 

Huge Huggers!

Michelle

 

[Michelle F]

BTW... This was the moment my GRS letters of recommendation were written and delivered to my Insurance with overwhelming success...

 

I have had 5 electrolysis treatment on my face and three laser treatments on chest and two small patches on my back and waiting for date with top surgeon as a direct result of the aforementioned letter. I am in line and not the last in line either... So

 

Good luck, Ashlee!

 

Love,

Michelle

[Ashlee]

Yes! I still don't go anywhere alone really. It's scary out there for sure. Im usually with some of my gal pals. Much safer in groups. They actually even joke around about protecting me and most of them are actually bigger than me lol. Im was a very small "guy" and have seemed to have gotten even shorter somehow. I'm like 5'3" now from what I thought was about 5'4.5". A sise 5/7ish depending on the brand. My feet are a girls 6.5 so I'm pretty small for a human size lol. I had a guy (very large guy) snatch me by my wrist and pull me away twards him very forcefully. I was helpless and very terrified. My friend came over and pulled me away and said that I was her girlfriend and to back off. She's bigger than I am but still this guy was huge. His friend told him to knock it off and behave and we went upstairs and didn't see him again thankfully. That was the exact moment that I realized I could no longer defend myself like and I really re-evaluated my going to public settings. 

Ashlee ❤️

[Jordy]

My therapist has pushed for me to work on going out alone but it just doesn't appeal to me.  I don't want to be alone.  Not just because it can be unsafe from an outsiders view but because my headspace can move to a bad place when I am alone.  This day and age it's just not practical to be alone.

[Kylie]

Ashlee,

 

I experience this same exact situation EVERY DAY. It is overwhelming but flattering. I just laugh it up and move on. All my friends love that my phone is always going off because of guys, even some old guy friends messaging me. For those girls that aren’t into men I could understand it being frustrating. It is bit of a fun thing for me, because when I was living as a guy I never got asked out etc. Now I find myself fielding offers daily and deciding which one I want! 

 

Love!

 

Kylie ?

[Ashlee]

It is flattering for sure. Im start to get talked to by cis males at work which is also flattering but scary because they are under the impression that they flirting with cis female. I don't want them to think that I am deceiving or leading them on. I usually tell them I have a jealous girlfriend right off the start. She's not jealous but they don't have to know that 

Ashlee ❤️