A Look Back

[Raven1981]

Remembering my coming out and not just coming out, but my first time going out in public as myself fully dressed.  It was the most scariest time I have had, but yet I could remember getting dressed up as myself for the first time ever fully and it just felt so liberating.  I could remember before hand how I would be dressing in secret and every time I had to put those male clothes back on was very hurtful and not right and it was like it was wrong to be wearing male clothes.  I hated the male clothes so much and how they made me feel uncomfortable.  So I remember going out in public for the first time ever as myself and being dressed up.  It was scary like how I said but it made me feel liberated and very comfortable.  That was the day I then went full time.  I then remember after that day, I continued to wear my clothes and be the girl that I am and never went back to those male clothes again.  Then a week later after my first time going out in public is when I took all my male clothes that sat untouched for a week and I completely 100% removed them from my room and boxed them up to get rid of them.  I dont ever regret getting rid of those male clothes and feel oh so much more comfortable being myself and the girl that I had suppressed for decades is finally out living her life as she is supposed to.

 

I love my look backs and love how I took pictures of myself before transition when already dressing to be myself to starting on hormones and transitioning.  It really helps me out with my dysphoria

 

Lots of Love

 

Amy

[tracy_j]

Yes Amy, it's good to look back and see how far we have come.

 

With me, I do wonder a little as, unlike many, I have not got rid of all of my male clothes. It is not a 'go back to wearing them' as a man. Rather more a case of making full use of clothes I have bought. There was a long time I hated wearing them, but now just feel a little  odd when I wear my old trousers when working on the car. It used to be 'I am a woman so don't want to look like a man'. Now it is that I just get on with things and behave as a woman might, wearing heavy trousers for a  dirty job. Many women wear mens' clothes for such work. The trick is perhaps to look like a woman in mens' clothing, living the part, or avoiding such work altogether. I must admit though that I have enough socks to last almost evermore. I mostly used to wear bright colours (even pink) so, although nominally male, they are useful but I so seldom wear socks now

 

Tracy

[Ashlee]

That's awesome! I can to your coming out and the freeing feeling it has. I am completely out now. I mostly just wear jeans and a little shirt and mascara (unless I'm going out) around town and at the moment get gendered she a lot of time. I get doors held too which is strange to me.

The way you discribed looking back is also great. Looking at how far you've come instead of how far I may have to left to go is really a great way to look at it. Thank you! 

Ashlee ?

[Raven1981]

Just now, Ashlee said:

That's awesome! I can to your coming out and the freeing feeling it has. I am completely out now. I mostly just wear jeans and a little shirt and mascara (unless I'm going out) around town and at the moment get gendered she a lot of time. I get doors held too which is strange to me.

The way you discribed looking back is also great. Looking at how far you've come instead of how far I may have to left to go is really a great way to look at it. Thank you! 

Ashlee ?

 

Thank You Ashlee.  It is just amazing.  What really got my to remember my looking back is when I was doing spring cleaning and going through a bunch of boxes, I found a journal that I wrote in high school that when I open it, I have titled it Amy's Wish.  So I have started reading the journal and it really got me remembering alot and how back in my high school days I knew who I was but was just to scared to even come out.  But I loved reading in my journal and have learned alot and now looking at me, I am glad that I have come so far with being free and I dont have to live as a male individuals that was causing so much stress in my life and depression that I do not know what  I would be like if I had to stay a male and now that I have finally let myself out and I am free and happy and smiling.  I am a better girl.

[Maid In Bedlam]

Strangly enough I was just thinking about my first time. I use the first time very loosley as im sure some if not many of us use to take some serious risks before we found the balls so to speak. I myself use to sneak out at about 4 oclock in the morning. Not even considering the dangers of the situation. Now in heinsight I must have looked quite ridiculous and asking for something to happen that would be hazardous to health. I now laugh at it in a cringe "OMG did i really do that" kind of way.

First time i recall i actaully looked half decent and wearing something other than my mothers clothes I was with a girlfreind. ( At that time i was still dating girls) Of course i am going back to 1982. A scary time for Girls like us. Especially in my neighbourhood. If i can set the picture it was one of those places where even mixed race marriage was deeply frowned upon let alone wearing womans clothes.

Anyway cut a long story short the Girl encouraged me.  Even helped me  pick something nice from the shops to wear. In all honesty i have a lot to thank her for. She really did give me the confidence i needed at the time.  I always recall Hats was quite the thing at the time. I still remember a guy. making a comment on mine. Something along the lines of " You know what they say about girls in red hats" To this day i still dont know what they do say about girls in red hats but it wasnt relavent as the was one of the first times i knew i was good enough to pass. What a Rush it was. Dont get me wrong i was still  crapping myself. But It didnt matter. I was out there. I do recall my first times. I was stupid and naive but. I guess all those expreiances built my essence. I dont regret them even if so many years have past. I bumped into the siad girl about 8 years ago. Before i started to  transition. She is still as recall her just older and now with grown up kids of her own. I could go on and tell so many storys of my adventures good and bad but im sure others want to get a word in so ill stop typing now. xx

[KymmieL]

I have lately been wearing more and more feminine cloths especially to VA. which is weird since it is mostly males there. I think I just feel more open there. I still have one pair of male jeans and a pair of male shorts. Also mostly for working on the car. Then there are the T-shirts. I look at them as androgynous. Hey when you are a motor head and Ride a Harley you have T-shirts. LOL. I however have been getting more female shirts. I even picked up a ladies riding vest.

When I did some cleaning a couple weeks ago, I think I finally got rid of my last pair of male underwear along with some shirts and lingerie that I will never wear. Actually felt good.

 

I have heard comments on a red head but nothing about a red hat. In the military you hear vulgar comments about woman.

 

Kymmie

[Dakota16]

I remember doing the same thing, Amy. Taking rare long bus trips and dressing female when I was at the hotel, hiding everything when I got home, not feeling comfortable in male clothes, etc. I also remember my first time going out as me over Labor Day Weekend 2016 and being on alert looking for people staring, giggling, the whole nine yards. The only thing I did different was I kept switching to male mode for work, then changing back into me when I got home. I did that from July 5, 2016 until February 19, 2017, then went full-time the next day. I love my life now, I'm much happier, gaining confidence, gaining random friends on FB from the groups I belong to, reconnecting with friends I've lost contact with, and many other things. I'm still working on self-esteem and such, and I still get misgendered sometimes (especially if I don't use makeup), and still trying to develop my wardrobe (although it'll mostly be black pants/jeggings and nice, white tops for my job).

 

But overall, at least I can look back to before July 5, 2016 and say I'm in a much better place now.

[Beverly]

12 hours ago, Amy LeBlanc said:

Remembering my coming out and not just coming out, but my first time going out in public as myself fully dressed.  It was the most scariest time I have had, but yet I could remember getting dressed up as myself for the first time ever fully and it just felt so liberating.

Oh, my goodness. Thanks for the topic, Amy. I hadn't thought about my first going "out" experience until your post. It was a very emotional day. Yes, I was scared, too! It was a rainy day, so I decided I'd go to a matinee showing of Beauty and the Beast. I nervously went to the counter and ordered my popcorn and soft drink, and was called "ma'am" for the first time by the young man serving me. It was an amazing moment I hadn't anticipated. It gave me confidence and made me feel wonderful. At the end of the movie, I sat there in the dark watching the credits scroll on the screen and listening to the theme music as the theater emptied. Tears of joy and sadness rolled down my cheeks, because I felt so liberated but didn't want to return to the old world where I was miserable. I had to restrain myself from audibly crying out loud. I finally gathered myself and walked to my parked car, mascara streaking down my cheeks, which I didn't know until I looked in the rear view mirror to back out of the parking space, vowing to feel this liberating feeling and be me no matter what for the rest of my life. I haven't looked back. Lots of love your way, too!

Beverly

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks for this topic, Amy.  It is nice to reflect back on that time, when everything was a new experience to be enjoyed and, yes, feared.

 

My first time out was a trip across town to see my therapist.  I had to stop for gas, so was visible to anyone passing by.  I sure did keep my eyes peeled for any gawkers, but saw none.  On the way home I took a huge step and stopped at a coffee shop.  Nothing went wrong, I was called "miss," which I enjoyed immensely.  I even took a pic of my lipstick on my coffee cup!  I will always remember every small detail of that day.   ?

 

HUGS'

Carolyn Marie

[Raven1981]

You are all welcome for this topic.

 

I just had another thought back at the signs that I was showing on not being in the right body.  A few signs I have noticed were:

 

I always avoided  looking in the mirror when I was male and when I did happen to look in the mirror, I hated seeing what I saw and wanted to be someone else. 

 

Then when I started to try cross dressing cause I thought I was a cross dresser, it never felt like cross dressing to me but it felt like I belong as a girl and always saw myself when I got dressed up as a girl and never wanted to go back.  When I looked at myself in the mirror all dressed up, I was seeing the person that I really was and not the person who I was pretending to be just to make other's happy.

 

Then I was never interested in getting my picture taken.  I always hated getting my picture taken and always felt uncomfortable till when I was finally my true authentic self and loved getting my picture now and I still love getting my picture taken now that I am my true self.

 

I also remember that when I was at the age to start to date and notice girls that I never dated and never looked at girls as a sexual attraction but instead it was I love that outfit she is wearing, where can I get that outfit.  Or I love the way she looks, why cant I look like that.  I was regretting and still do regret that I was a male person.  I always wanted to be a girl but I felt it was never possible and I had to live my life pretending to be this person that was born wrong.