Angst and meaninglessness...

[Ceres]

Hello everyone, my name is Claire (chosen name). You are welcome to call me Ceres as well (pronounced "series"). I have never been very good at discussing myself or my personal life with anyone. I find it to be even harder to do so using an online platform such as this. Please bear with me.

 

I was 9 when I first realized I was Trans*. I wrote in the diary I persuaded my mother to buy for me (the very colorful ones with the very shoddy "lock") that "when I turn 21, I want to have a sex-change operation." My brother found it and picked the lock. It was the only thing I had written in the book, and the last. He proceeded to berate me and abuse me physically/mentally to the point that I buried all notion of it in my subconscious. Around the time I was 18 it began to resurface. I have spent the last 18 years constantly changing my mind and telling myself I don't "need" to transition. It has gotten to the point where I have had more suicidal thoughts in the last 3 years than the previous 33. I feel I have finally come to terms with things and am ready to begin my transition. Financial matters are another thing entirely. I am working on that now. 

 

Through all of that I have changed to the point that I can't really say I like the person I have become. I find much of life to be rather pointless and mundane. I am unable to connect with people/friends on any meaningful level. I am at odds with my family constantly. I know that hormones and transitioning is not a fix-all, however, I do feel it will help to mend many of the wounds I have. I am now faced with living and working in a very unhealthy situation. I live in the south (Georgia) and am surrounded by many "traditional values" types of people. My employers, who despite their antiquated ways of thinking/perceiving things of this nature, are really good people (the irony of this statement is not lost on me). That being said, they still would not be OK with me transitioning. I also live on property and am one of the managers. Without getting into any "what-if" discussions, I WILL have to find a new home as well as employment once I progress enough in my transition. This has been the source of much stress and anxiety for me. Now that I have been able to identify many of my stress/anxiety triggers, I have dealt with as much as I can without transitioning. Now though, I have recurring bouts of angst and general anxiety to the point that I am finding it difficult to stay focused on my goals. I, at times, feel hopeless and incapable of continuing on my chosen path.

 

After reading through what I have written so far, I realize I have strayed far from my original intention of writing this post. I apologize. 

 

I am at a point where I feel I have hit a brick wall. By reaching out to the Trans* community I feel I may be able to overcome the remaining obstacles currently blocking my way. I currently do not have any friends in the community nor anyone whom I feel can accurately grasp what I am experiencing. I do have one friend who I am unable to communicate with on any "regular" basis (her boyfriend doesn't want her hanging out with other "men" ???). It's so hard having friends who don't see the package before the contents so-to-speak. 

 

I am happy to meet all of you and hope this post was not too off-putting. Thank you. 

[Susan R]

Hello Claire, it's nice to meet you.  Your journey may be in the beginning phases but you've already completed a few milestones on your journey.  Acceptance of yourself as a transgendered person in whatever capacity that may be is a big milestone.  The clarity of what that is will likely come along later as you transition and possibly with the help a a good counselor.  That was the case in my situation.  The next milestone is actively reaching out.  Nothing in my life changed until I took that first step.  After that, it all moves along a little easier.  Confidence is gained through understanding yourself.  This doesn't mean there won't be road blocks and bumps in the road but imho, you're on the right path.  We are here to help any way we can and are here for some of the same reasons you are.  Thank you so much for telling us a little about yourself.  I hope to hear even more.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Cyndee]

2 hours ago, Ceres said:

Hello everyone, my name is Claire (chosen name).

 

 

I am happy to meet all of you and hope this post was not too off-putting. Thank you. 

 

Hi Claire, and thanks for your intro post here at Trans Pulse, you're among friends . I can only imagine how difficult it might be, in certain areas of the South, sounds like you will adapt and have a plan. Reaching out is really a good thing, and I hope you find your time enjoyable on this site. I recall my reaching the phase of wanting to see and communicate with others, I went to my first support group meetings 8 years ago this month, and met wonderful people along the way. I also joined an online forum and reached others going through similar things, it was very helpful. The journey is long one, full of twists and turns, building a support network is part of the process and don't forget to smell the roses along the way

 

Have a look around the forums and do post away as the mood strikes Claire....

 

Hugs and welcome

 

Cyndee -

[Beverly]

Hi Ceres!

Since you're just beginning your journey, you'll probably be surprised to learn how many trans sisters you have here in the south. It's more common than most people think. I don't know, maybe its the grits.  There's a strong bond within the trans community, and you'll find lots of support and encouragement. Above all, be you and stay strong. You got this!

Beverly 

[Jani]

Greetings Ceres.  You are not alone here, you're among friends who understand.  There is so much to life that you are yet to discover.   Yes it can be mundane but it is certainly not pointless.  We're all here for a purpose and you will find yours.   I agree with Beverly that once you branch out you will find a number of "sisters"  nearby that you can commune with.  You just aren't looking well enough for now.  That will change.   

 

Jani

[Ceres]

I'd like to apologize for how much like a cry for help my post sounded. That honestly was not the intention of the post. However it certainly opened my eyes to just how low I've gotten emotionally. I do know things will get better in time and I have to remain confident in myself and hopeful for the future! ?

 

On 2/10/2019 at 12:09 AM, Beverly said:

Hi Ceres!

Since you're just beginning your journey, you'll probably be surprised to learn how many trans sisters you have here in the south. It's more common than most people think. I don't know, maybe its the grits.  There's a strong bond within the trans community, and you'll find lots of support and encouragement. Above all, be you and stay strong. You got this!

Beverly 

 

I am sure you are right Beverly. I did meet someone when I had an electrolysis consultation over a year ago. She moved to California and I no longer have a facebook account so we didn't stay in touch with each other. I know I'll eventually meet others once I begin my transition in earnest though. The friend I mentioned in the original post, she has agreed to go with me to get my first tattoo once I begin medical transition, as a testament to the trials I have surpassed along the way (it'll be my first tattoo!

). She is really awesome, which is why its so frustrating her boyfriend doesn't want her hanging out with me alone... 

 

On 2/9/2019 at 9:10 PM, Susan R said:

Hello Claire, it's nice to meet you.  Your journey may be in the beginning phases but you've already completed a few milestones on your journey.  Acceptance of yourself as a transgendered person in whatever capacity that may be is a big milestone.  The clarity of what that is will likely come along later as you transition and possibly with the help a a good counselor.  That was the case in my situation.  The next milestone is actively reaching out.  Nothing in my life changed until I took that first step.  After that, it all moves along a little easier.  Confidence is gained through understanding yourself.  This doesn't mean there won't be road blocks and bumps in the road but imho, you're on the right path.  We are here to help any way we can and are here for some of the same reasons you are.  Thank you so much for telling us a little about yourself.  I hope to hear even more.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

 

I cannot agree with you more Susan. I feel I have been transitioning mentally/emotionally/spiritually this entire time. I do not feel it has been "wasted" (depending on what kind of mood I'm in. ?). I have definitely come a long way towards understanding who I am and accepting, even loving, that person to a degree. I feel once I begin medical transition I will find my "stride" and my outlook on life will improve. If I am honest, I cannot say my life would have been better had I transitioned sooner. I was financially immature for a while when I was younger and I feel that would have been a bad combination in hindsight. 

 

On 2/9/2019 at 10:49 PM, Cyndee said:

 

Hi Claire, and thanks for your intro post here at Trans Pulse, you're among friends . I can only imagine how difficult it might be, in certain areas of the South, sounds like you will adapt and have a plan. Reaching out is really a good thing, and I hope you find your time enjoyable on this site. I recall my reaching the phase of wanting to see and communicate with others, I went to my first support group meetings 8 years ago this month, and met wonderful people along the way. I also joined an online forum and reached others going through similar things, it was very helpful. The journey is long one, full of twists and turns, building a support network is part of the process and don't forget to smell the roses along the way

 

Have a look around the forums and do post away as the mood strikes Claire....

 

Hugs and welcome

 

Cyndee -

 

At times I have felt it to be unbearable! The things that people say when they believe everyone around them feels the same way can be quite hurtful. Some of my peers at work are people I would have liked to be friends with until it was made very clear their position of certain issues. Which is also why I KNOW I cannot transition here. Regardless whether they "accept" me or not, I will know their true feelings and it would eat away at me. I look forward to my time here and believe I will meet many great people as well! ?

 

On 2/10/2019 at 7:32 PM, Jani said:

Greetings Ceres.  You are not alone here, you're among friends who understand.  There is so much to life that you are yet to discover.   Yes it can be mundane but it is certainly not pointless.  We're all here for a purpose and you will find yours.   I agree with Beverly that once you branch out you will find a number of "sisters"  nearby that you can commune with.  You just aren't looking well enough for now.  That will change.   

 

Jani

 

A lack of courage due to a fear of rejection coupled with a self-imposed notion that no one cares in the end has prevented me from reaching out more. I have told myself that is not the case and I need to try to connect with others but for the most part have been unsuccessful in convincing myself of the truth of that. It has come to a point where I realize how much it is hurting me in more ways than one. I do believe it will change and I am very much looking forward to it doing just that! 

 

Thank you all for your kind words and support!! As well as the warm welcome! ?