I have no idea... whatever I am, it’s too late.

[Nikki63646]

I’m 37, and I am coming to terms with the fact that I am a trans-woman. But I’m not coming to terms with the fact that I’m too late. 

 

I have a beautiful wife and two gorgeous girls. I realised that there was more to my story because of my wife’s late trans friend, but only I knew.

 

i was raped when I was 11, but even before this, I had very feminine feelings. My inner woman is eager to surface but I will not confuse my children. Also, my wife has PND quite bad and after the death of her best friend, I fear for her too. He depressive state is worse than mine- either that or I value life much more.

 

i am a girl inside and I have a serious “Purging” problem. I’m in the closet and I love my inner person, but I don’t love my outta.

 

What am am I doing? What do I need to do? I’m so afraid of loosing my wife and girls, so too I’m afraid of who I really am.

[Jani]

Hello Nikki and welcome.  You are not alone.  I'm sorry to read you were violated when you were young. (hugs)  The first place I recommend to coming to acceptance is speaking with a therapist to help you understand and work this into your life. I was never one for therapy but I found it to be enlightening and extremely helpful.  Eventually you will need to speak with your wife and a counselor will assist you here as well.  Your fear is real but getting to understand it and over it is an important step in healing and moving forward.   Please join in the conversation.  We're all here to support each other.  

 

Cheers, Jani    

[KymmieL]

Welcome Nikki, Don't ever think it is too late in life to realize. I just finally realized I was really a woman last year at the age of 53. Yeah I have had clues but finally put them together.

 

As Jani suggested. find a therapist with experience with Transgender people.They can help with both your TG and may even give you insight on helping your wife with her PND.

 

Also remember we have a wide diversity of people on here. While we are not professional counselors we can give some real world info.

 

Kymmie

[Nikki63646]

I am thankful you have replied. Already I feel so welcome. I’m just really interested in how others have dealt with wife and kids or husband. I’m sure I would have every bit of courage to move forward had it not been for them. I’m sure I know what I want. I would like to know how bad my situation is from another point of view but I guess that will be a professional level counsellor.

[Jani]

At some point you will need to speak to your spouse.  You know them best as to how they may react.  When you speak with a counselor they will not tell you who you are but assist you in sussing out where you are in the process.  They will help by bringing clarity to your mind by questioning your statements and motivations to help you determine what your best step is to proceed.  This could be nothing, to beginning transition as well as every possible step in between.   Remember that gender is a spectrum and we all fit somewhere.  You will discover your place.  

 

Being in the UK you have to go through the NHS GIC which I recommend signing up for despite the long queue.  In the meantime, if you have resources you can go the private route.  

 

Jani

[Susan R]

Hi Nikki, welcome.  Amazing intro! Your life story sounds closer to mine than anyone's I've read about here on the TP forums.  I'm glad you're coming to terms with it.  It took me 56 years to do that so congrats.  I wish you the best on your journey...whatever that path you take.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[DeeDee]

16 hours ago, Nikki63646 said:

i am a girl inside and I have a serious “Purging” problem. I’m in the closet and I love my inner person, but I don’t love my outta.

 

What am am I doing? What do I need to do? I’m so afraid of loosing my wife and girls, so too I’m afraid of who I really am.

Hi Nikki, pleased to meet you.   That you already know there's more to your story will help. Loving your inner person is a wonderful acknowledgement, but being authentic on the outside can be SO hard! You said that your wife had a late Trans friend and so knowing she has accepted someone else may make it easier for her to accept you too.  Counselling is a very important first step though so I would encourage you to start there and just see what unfolds!

[Michelle_Anne]

I’m married also with 2 kids and the fear of losing them is what has kept me from following through with a first time therapy appointment.  It’s scary, but I feel like I am getting closer.  This site is a huge support for me. 

[Jani]

I understand the fear but you don't know they will react.  You have to ask would you want to live out your life being unhappy.  Would you be a better parent and spouse/friend if you moved forward?  Things to consider. 

 

[VickySGV]

I can't say anything the others have not mentioned other than the oldest person to receive Gender Confirmation Surgery was in her 80's, and I was in my 60's when I fully came out ten years ago.  As to children, my youngest is 40 this year, and as long as I have money when they do not, they still come around to get an advance on their inheritances from me.

[Astrid]

Hi, Nickki!  Just read your posts from February.  It's completely normal to be concerned about how to proceed with your spouse and kids. 

 

I made it a point to prepare for coming out with care and careful preparation. It's not something I wanted to just "blurt out", nor was it something I wanted to simply "have a conversation" about.  So, I did lots and lots of reading, and ultimately found that the book "How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are" (Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker; published in 2017) offered what I was looking for: a series of exercises that allow you to write (and draw) your thoughts and feelings about many aspects of gender.  This allowed me to have an in-depth conversation with my spouse, where I could show what I'd been working through and why I was having this conversation. This helped that important day go relatively smoothly for me -- but equally important has been keeping our lines of communication open between us since then, so that we can share our concerns and answer questions as I continue this journey.

 

For coming out to our adult daughter (age 26), I chose a different approach.  She lives and works in a foreign country now, so I chose to wait until she returned home for a family visit.  I then shared a reasonably short, page-and-a-half personal letter with her (with my spouse present). It was mostly a non-event; our daughter is progressive and supportive of all gender orientations, so she had few questions.

 

Coming out to my loved ones was, for me,  a tremendous relief and a lifting of the torment that had been keeping me depressed, worried, and frankly, grumpy to those same loved ones. It was, for me, a very positive step forward.

 

Of course, the above approach reflects who I am, and what you ultimately do needs to fit your own preferences for communicating with your loved ones.  But I do wish you the best in taking the steps necessary to move forward when you're ready. 

 

Astrid

[Rachele]

I am 52, i have always felt like a female on the inside, i have always fought the feelings to a point, it didn't help that my dad beat me for what he called me being a sissy constantly. I remember dreading going through puberty and growing hair everywhere. when i started getting hair on my legs, i started shaving them/armpits and i have ever since.I experimented with a couple boys when i was 12 or 13. I started crossdressing at that time. I was very confused. I didnt know what exactly was going on. I tried doing the guy thing, i married my first love, she didnt accept it. I spent 12 years with her. I tried dating a few more times but something still wasnt right. I have not been with anybody in 20 years, i guess i was trying to come to terms about it. So i made my first appointment for this week to start transitioning. I am scared, i dont want to be judged, but i know i want and need to do this.

 

Edited April 7, 2019 by Charlize
edited what the word filter would have removed

[Rachele]

I will come out when i cant hide it any more. Friends and family already knew about crossdressing to a point, but i dont know how they will react with this

 

[Rachele]

I have been depressed all my life, i just want to be happy for once

[Astrid]

Hi, Rachele!

 

I'm glad to hear that you're taking those first steps.  Sounds like it's time (very similar to my own experience, where I couldn't keep everything internally anymore). I know that, for me, once I made known what I was going through to others I trusted, it was like a huge weight was lifted.  

 

Please keep us posted on how things go for you in the coming week(s).  We're all here to support each other.

 

Astrid

[Lexi C]

Hey Rachele..I know how you feel. I  55 and just start my transition..I am scared I making a big mistake. My sis knew I was Cd for the time we were young, but she never said anything to me until I came out 3yrs ago. I have not told my mom about my plans, because like I mention before I think I am making a  big mistake.  But this place is really helping me see the good in my decision but I still wake up thinking  WHY AM STILL ATTARCTIVE TO WOMEN.  Sorry Nikki for you situation..My stuff is nothing compared to want yr going through, but everyone is right..Find me, talk your wife and figure out the best plan.  Be Proud and  stay strong