Help!

[Fish(i just want answers)]

Hi everyone! My name is fish, and I’m very confused right now. Recently I’ve started to become very uncomfortable with the way I present and the way I feel. I know that out of context, it sounds very normal, but just wait until I describe it more. 

 

(By the way, if anyone reads this and it turns out that I’m reading my feelings the wrong way, please tell me! I don’t want to intrude on a trans forum and have it turn out that I don’t experience dysphoria.)

 

The most real issue is my chest. It’s not very prominent to other people but it is to me. I’ve been trying to wear sports bras and loose clothes more often to try and make myself comfortable, but unfortunately the few sports bras I have make it harder for me to breathe (I already have a little trouble) and I can’t wear hoodies anymore since the average temperature where I live is about 90 degrees Fahrenheit. It makes me uncomfortable to touch or notice, and I get oddly excited if I feel more flat than normal?? It just feels like that isn’t an experience most cis girls have.

 

I also tend to get very excited if my voice is low, and I want to work out and look like (I can’t think of a better way to describe it) a really buff guy. I call myself people’s dad (I think that’s more of me describing a dad as the typical archetype of dad though, it may not mean anything). I don’t like the fact that my body feels and looks very feminine (think Marilyn Monroe) and I try my best to wear the most masculine things possible. It’s harder for me since my mother wants me to be a Pretty Princess (TM) which I absolutely refuse whether I am or am not trans.

 

In addition, today was my birthday and for a reason I can’t place it feels weird to be called a girl and a woman and a young lady?? I can’t explain it at all.

 

There are a few reasons that I am vaguely concerned about this weird questioning.

 

1.) I’ve been told I’m a very good mimic on several occasions, and I’ve got several trans friends. I’d hate for this feeling to just be a good mimic of what my friends feel and what I see online. Like wouldn’t it be awful if the only reason you disliked your femininity so much you’d question your gender just because your brain decided to be a copycat?

 

2.) If I really am trans, my family would not be very accepting. They’ve already made it very clear that they see me as a girl and only a girl and I must do Girly Things. I get made fun of if I want to wear ‘boy clothes’ or play sports with boys. I’m even barred from doing that. I’m already afraid to come out to them as far as sexuality goes, so being trans would make it even worse (aka T r i p l e G a y).

 

3.) I know being trans isn’t easy. I know (or at least have some idea) how hard it is to misgendered and deadnamed all the time. I know what it’s like to come out, and that it sucks if the people around you won’t support you. It sucks to have your existence be political, and to have your basic freedoms debated and taken away. The violence towards trans people is horrific. I don’t know if I can or want to deal with that.

 

Please, if anyone can help me come to terms with my gender identity, whatever it may be, please help!! I’d prefer to feel as little confusion as possible, and I really want to feel comfortable with myself. And if it turns out that what I experience isn't even remotely similar to  dysphoria, please tell me! I don’t want to intrude into a space that isn’t mine, or claim something that I’m not. 

 

Lots of love,

       Fish

[Jani]

Hello Fish.  Happy Birthday and thanks for the introduction.  If you question your gender then you are at the right place. No one will tell you to leave.  Please be careful about to tight sports bras as they can do long term damage to the body. I understand that you are uncomfortable with your chest despite it not being that large, its all relative and real to you.  

 

I wouldn't say you were being a copy cat because you might be mimicking your friends.  You're just comfortable around them and so are acting naturally. 

 

As to family, I assume you still live at home.  If you believe they will not be accepting do not do anything to harm your ability to stay.  Having a place to eat and sleep is important.  At some point you will be on your own and can start therapy and possibly HRT (if that is what you deem important for you).  

 

Being misgendered is mentally challenging but it does eventually work out.  Finding a support group of like minded people would be helpful in putting your mind at ease.  There are places in FL that aren't bad for trans people.  Guys do tend to blend in easily soon after HRT is begun.  This is something you need to determine if you want to do.  A therapist will be very helpful for this discussion.

 

You're not intruding in any space here.  You are very welcome to be here

 

Cheers, Jani

[EliAtkins]

Hiya Fish!  Welcome!  Happy birthday!

 

I don't know if it would help or not, but this website talks a bit about what Gender Dysphoria is: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoria

 

I feel like I can resonate with some of what you're saying.  I'm new here as well and also questioning pretty much everything with my gender.  I have always felt uncomfortable being called a girl/woman.  Unfortunately, no one else can give you the answers, but I definitely agree with Jani's suggestion about speaking with a therapist, particularly someone who specializes in gender issues if/when you are able!

 

Much love,

Eli

[Fish(i just want answers)]

Thanks Eli and Jani! I am just unable to access a therapist as I am both unable to afford one and unable to get one without revealing that I’m seriously questioning my gender. I greatly appreciate your responses!

[Jani]

Well when you are able, don't be ashamed of revealing your gender questioning.  There is a confidentiality curtain over any discussions you have.  I never worried about speaking my mind with my therapist.  It actually felt good to verbalize my thoughts. 

[Beatrice Crawford]

Be it gender related or not dysphoria is dysphoria and worthy of addressing.  I too have issues with the whole "am I trans thing" so I can't help you there.  However, I do know something about bodybuilding (my family wanted me to be a manly man)