My kids' reaction to my coming out

[Jordy]

My kids found out I am transitioning by stealing the letter I sent their father and reading it. When I got to talk to them on the phone they asked how I could do this to them. Didn't I care that I was hurting them? That I was supposed to be their mom . . . not . . .something else.  I told them that I have a sickness called Gender Dysphoria.  That I have always had it and that I fought to be a girl for everyone else and it made me sick in other ways.  That my doctors said for me to get better I needed to do this.  They got quiet.  Not the best response but at least they didn't reject me.  They still called me her though which kinda hurt but I know they need time.  My youngest asked if she could still call me Kit (an old nickname) and I said yes that it was fine.  Anyone have advice on how to go forward?

[Janeshannon]

Hi Jordy,

I am sorry that your kids found out this way.  You did not mention how old your children are.  Mine are 11 and 9, so I often search for and think of ways to talk to younger children about being transgender.  First, they need to know that your appearance and gender will not change how you feel about them.  I saw a documentary, it was on Youtube, called My Dad is a Woman Now (I think).  In the video they talk to a family where the "father" has completed transition through GCS.  The daughter, 16, said it took her about a month to be able to begin processing that her father is transitioning.  She also still calls her Dad.  She, the transwoman, said she is okay with being called Dad, the daughter has a wonderful mother and does not need another Mom.  It also provides familiarity and the structure her family needed to transition with her.  As important as a name is to you, it is important to them too.  A name might provide that safety net they need to remain connected to person who loves and cares for them.  

 

An analogy to help younger children understand is the cereal analogy.  Have them imagine that they are about to pour a bowl of Raisin Bran.  They open the box and out comes Cheerios.  That is how you feel, you're Cheerios, but you look like Raisin Bran.  You can build on this by asking what things might they do to make the box of Cheerios that looks like Raisin Bran look like Cheerios instead.  That is what you are doing, you are just making the outside match what is inside.  

 

Hope this helps,

Jane Shannon

 

[Charlize]

My son was in his late 30's when i transitioned.  He lives on a house on the farm with his wife and children.  I know it was hard for him to accept.  He actually couldn't look at me for months.  That time was difficult for both of us. 7 years later he still uses the wrong pronouns at times.  Unfortunately transition does affect and disturb others.  Hopefully in time those relationships find a path forward and the pain and shock abates.  That has been the case for me.  Hopefully your children will come around sooner than later. 

Jane i love the cereal box idea!  What i've found is that while the box looks like changes 

but it's the same inside, just as sweet.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[Marbabar]

My daughter was 5 when I started my transition, just finishing Kindergarten. Nice thing about that age is, she understands but doesn't care. It's helped having the full support of my whole family, a progressive church, and a circle of friends who are all on board. A year later now, she's 6, and she gets my pronouns right about 50-50, getting better all the time. You should see the look on people's faces as she switches back and forth between calling me "mom" and "dad" as she talks! My role in the family has always been the "motherly" one, so maybe that helps. Also, I'm a school teacher, and a popular one -- even the kids from conservative families form very strong bonds with me and gender me correctly, despite the messages they may be getting at home. Anyway, kids are so free with their love, I believe that even through the shock and confusion and mixed signals, they'll always love those who love them back.

[Jani]

2 hours ago, Marbabar said:

...even the kids from conservative families form very strong bonds with me and gender me correctly, despite the messages they may be getting at home. Anyway, kids are so free with their love, I believe that even through the shock and confusion and mixed signals, they'll always love those who love them back.

So true!

[Jordy]

My kids are 16,13 and 10.  I won't have to worry about it affecting them any more. They abused me over the phone telling me that they hate me and wish I were dead or would just leave them alone.  I'll be waiving my parental rights and moving on. I just can't fight for them if they don't care about me anymore.

[Kirsten]

Well that’s just silly Jordy! They are your children and they literally are just kids. Assuming your relationship wasn’t broken before, they will probably just need time patience and to learn and understand what you’re going through and why you’re transitioning. If you had a poor relationship before, I could see something like this really pushing stuff even further from good. And even then with some time and understanding things could end up okay. 

A couple things to think about. Who have they told about your transition? And what do you think those people would have said to them? Because at those ages, kids tend to get their negativity from others.

what have you explained to them? Have they seen a therapist or even just talked to the school counselor? There are support pillars here and there that can help you to get them to understand. 

 

Literally to me, it sounds like maybe your eldest, or maybe dad (idk the situation) has some unfounded negativity stemming from some ill advised information. Which is very unfortunate. Or they have been searching for an out and this is just an excuse. Like I said idk your situation. But I truly do believe that if you want a relationship with your children you really need to think about what you’re saying. Once you give up your rights legally it’s like telling them you don’t want them. Idk.

I’m sorry you have this to deal with on top of the rest. Things surely do get muddled up with transitioning. 

[Jani]

Jordy you don't have to waive your rights at this time.  Take a time out for yourself and disengage for a bit.  Kids can be reactionary and this may just be what you're seeing.  They are angry and this is the only way they know to vent, by lashing out.  Be the adult and let them be.  Just like when they were babies, sometimes you just have to let them cry themselves to sleep. They will mature and will look for you.  Don't cut them off. 

Jani

[Ned]

Jordi my two kids are were in their teens and live with their dad also.  They were hurt and said some hurtful things and last summer we didnt really get to visit.  But last christmas it was a lot easier.  They both gave me hugs and " I love you mom".  But before they said it they told me they realized Im not a woman now but asked to still call me mom.  After they educated themselves it was a lot easier on them.

[Jani]

Thats good to hear.  Sometimes it takes time for those around us to understand.  Sounds like you have good kids.

 

Hugs, Jani