Because of uncertainty

[Katelyn]

I've been a member for a while but I don't post often. Initially when I signed up I labeled myself a crossdresser, which I guess is pretty standard, then it changed to just transgender and now I'm not sure again. A lable isn't required, but the certainty of an identity though... That would be nice. 

 

I keep wondering if It's just a kink or a phase or maybe I'm just blaming my life's failures on my gender or its because I'm trying to escape the responsibilities of being a man, or I'm actually just mentally ill. I rant to myself to try and find a logical way of talking about it to someone else but just end up confusing myself more. 

 

It's like I seek validation from circumstance and my behaviour and my preferences and what have you, then I try to invalidate them using the same logic. Rinse repeat. But it keeps coming back. Even sexual activity doesn't reduce it, as a matter of fact I tend to image the perspective from the other side with my eyes closed in order to keep the, erm, component operational, if that makes sense. My girlfriend has needs too and I do want to help even if I have no interest in sexual activity at the moment. At least not the way it's been. 

 

I started crossfit in August last year. It helped me lose some weight and made me fit and made me feel tons better and healthier, but then again it also made my muscles develop a little and made my male physique more prominent. Weird part was that I felt sort of almost proud of it for a while, not looking more male, but seeing the progress. That for a while put Katelyn out of mind, or at least reduced her presence dramatically. But as soon as I stopped, back she came with depression, and some unhappiness about the muscles and dressing it up. Nastiness. 

 

I live with my girlfriend, whom was initially supporting but since she thought the phase had passed had changed her views, and my girlfriend's mother whom is very Conservative, cenventional and old fashioned. I moved in while I was doing crossfit since it seemed like I didn't need to dress etc anymore, helps them reduce the rent too. Now I feel trapped. And my relationship sort of comes into question in my mind often. Especially since she wants kids and I don't, I would like to explore my gender identity and she wants it to just dissappear and for me to be normal. Not something I can or want to blame her for, she is heterosexual and wants to date and someday start a family with a man, but we can't make the decision to move apart because we do love each other. The cycle of argue, address the issues, realise we can't have it and surpress the needs we have can only go on so long right? 

 

But now it's something I can't stop thinking about and I can't find a therapist here locally that works with gender and I don't know if I feel comfortable with a support group, at least not yet. 

 

While telling my step mother about my girlfriend and I having a massive compromise since we each want something else, I sort of said that my girl wants kids and I want to be a woman, but we're both unable to get what we want together. It's only when she asked if that meant I would like to transition that I realised at that point I'd have jumped for it hands down. So it begs the question, am I uncertain or just too scared to make the decision and pursue it? 

 

I don't know. Is that a thing? Can anyone relate? 

 

Thanks for giving me a space to let it out 

Katelyn 

[killjoyaiden]

Hey! Message me so we can talk a bit!

 

Stay safe and stay alive,

Aiden

[Carolyn Marie]

I certainly sympathize with your situation, Katelyn,  It's really tough to be in a relationship with someone you love or like very much, knowing that your gender issues may make staying together difficult at best, and possibly impossible.  There are not easy answers I can give you, other than to encourage you to keep talking to her and her mother, and be open and honest about how you feel.  Communication is so important for all of us, because if we choose to transition, those around us become part of it, and the relationships transition, too.

 

Since finding a gender therapist is so difficult, perhaps just talking to a regular therapist will help to some degree.  They can always look stuff up, such as the Standards of Care of WPATH.  It really sounds like you can use a neutral party in these discussions.

 

I can't answer your last question, but it certainly is possible that you can have multiple valid reasons for doubt and uncertainty.  Keep talking with us in the forums, talk to our Chat staff if you can, and we'll do all we can to help out.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Katelyn]

Thank you Carolyn Marie. 

 

At this point I don't talk to her family about it, her mother included, because my girlfriend is ashamed of me and would prefer her family doesn't know. She's worried what they might think of her as well. I understand that too though, I mean it's all rather strange. I can't even talk with her openly about it  because her whole mood sinks when it even starts coming up. We honestly don't openly talk about much nowadays which brings me back to questioning our relationship. 

 

I used to see a therapist regarding my depression and anger issues, however I did try to bring up the topic of gender with her. She just gave me a look and said she thinks I'll probably look beter as a man and sort of resumed talking about my relationship issues. Therapist before that just told me she doesn't know anything about these things but told me I should do what I feel comfortable doing and ignore lables. But I'm digging around. Hoping to find someone via references that can help. There's just too much I worry about for me to just persue hormones etc as yet anyhow, even if I could, even though I want to. If not, I'll just look for a therapist for the other things in the meantime. 

 

Kind regards 

Katelyn 

[Makayla2019]

@Katelyn your situation seems very similar to mine and I would love to chat more with you. 

I am married to an amazing wife who is so understanding in many ways but has been very clear she doesn’t not want to be married to a cross dresser. Or will not support that.  

I have found that I was starting to question myself if it was just cross dressing or in fact more to do with gender dysphoria. My desire to present as female has grown increasingly and I feel trapped in some way because I can’t. 

It has affected my sexual drive with her too which i Am guilty of. 

I am now so unsure of what it is i aM feeling and wonder if the fear of losing my wife is holding me back from being honest     But also what is it I M being honest about. Want to dress up or to want to actually live as a female. I just can’t decipher the feelings. 

So I reAlly feel for you In your situation and if I can help in anyway would be glad to. 

Hugs 

Makayla

[GothicLucas]

It is so hard to choose between living an authentic life and being there for someone you love and have devoted so much energy toward. I don't have any suggestions, but your relationship sounds similar to mine and I feel for you.