Gender dysphoria arriving later in puberty

[Infatheline]

I am an 18 year old biological male, and I have been struggling with my gender for almost two years now, but I don't know if I had gender dysphoria before that. I see many people say that they noticed something was terribly wrong when they started going through puberty, but I was just fine with it. It was not until I was 16 years old that I admitted to myself that I wanted to be a girl. I keep looking back in my life and I only see little hints of it here and there. Like I would always want to choose the female character in a game, and when I was in middle school, I wouldn't say I didn't like my genitals, but I remember really wanted a vagina on multiple Occasions. Even early on in high school I liked to do things that made me feel more feminine because there was something about it that was just so attractive to me. I would even wear a hoodie sometimes because it was gender neutral and I guess that made me feel more feminine. Other than all that, I don't remember ever wanting to be a girl. I was totally fine with who I was, I mean at least I think I was fine with who I was from what I can remember. Then, Junior year, the classes I had were mostly set up where most of the friends I had in them were girls, and suddenly I started to want to be more and more feminine after being around them so much until I realized that I wanted to be a girl, and that scared me. I knew that if I kept thinking about it, I'd become obsessed with the idea, so I tried blocking it out for a while until it came boiling over a month later when I realized that I couldn't ignore it anymore. It was like I had opened pandora's box, and now the feeling that I was really supposed to be a girl wouldn't go away. Ever since then the dysphoria I feel has gotten worse and worse. I hate my genitals, I don't like looking in the mirror, I spend many nights lying awake because the gender dysphoria is so bad that it makes me want to rip my skin off. My therapist thinks that I have gender dysphoria, and so do I. I seriously don't want to deal with this anymore, and apart of me is 100% ready to start HRT, but the other part of me keeps saying, "What if we make a mistake?" It's a terrible fear, because as long as I don't transition, I feel the pain of not being Connie (That's my prefered name) every moment I'm awake, and this has caused me to sleep a lot more. On the other hand, if I make a mistake and I'm wrong, than I will have altered parts of my body that I can't change back, and while I really want to alter those parts to fit what I think I should look like, the fear that it will all be a mistake still haunts me, all because I wasn't aware that I might be trans until two years ago. I get a lot of anxiety about this because I can't find anyone else that can relate to me in this way. I feel like I know to the deepest parts of my soul that I'm a girl, and every day it feels like I'm melting away. I already came to the realization that I don't want to live in this world if I can't live in it as myself, and that scares me because what if that's a prerequisite for suicidal thoughts? Even with all this, there's still that fact looming over me that I didn't have this problem until objectively very recently, and it's killing me not to know who or what I'm supposed to be. 

[VickySGV]

Like a lighting bolt, it doesn't really matter when it hits you, you have been hit and that's all it writes.  Welcome to the Forums where we will try and give you a hand.  You are describing GD pretty much to a T and you do not have to do anything really other than admit you own it.  Go slow with things like HRT and Surgeries, you do not have to have either to be one of the group now or in the future. The rate of regrets in the community is so tiny as to be the exception as opposed to the rule.  Yeah we hear some wild stories about regret, but as we learn about those cases, we see that the people were not honest or authentic with their care team, in fact they were downright liars.  One step at a time is the way to go.  

[Jani]

Hello Connie!  Yes this is like Pandora's box and it cannot be put back.  While we all seem to ask the question what if I'm wrong, it seems we seldom are.  Cis-gender people don't question their gender.  That said, you'll be fine.  As to altering your body, you should take some time with your counselor before initiating HRT to understand who you are, your motivations, and where you are most comfortable.  That is a good time to start.  Surgery is a long way off, if ever so don't stress about that.  Have you looked for a transgender support group in your area?  I found this group that might be of interest.  http://pridecentersa.org 

 

Please join in the talk here and ask your questions.  We'll do our best to address them.  Keep talking with your therapist.  

 

Jani

[Stillbourne]

Hi Connie.

I'll say good on you for dealing with it now. I can't say I'm one to be giving advice yet. I am made stronger in my journey reading your words about yours. If it's any consolation, I'm trying to figure out how to make a life beaten 40 year old, haggard bushman look like a smoking hot fox. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make the woman I see in my mind a reality. For me, at this point, it's like a broken plate. I'm not going to be able to make the original plate again and I'm not sure what the glued together pieces are going to look like. What i do know is that however she ends up, she'll have space to be free and real. If no one else approves of her... I do.

 

[Beverly]

Hi, Connie! You're questioning and feelings of dysphoria are quite normal. When I was 18, I knew in my heart I was female in every way except one, and I was severely depressed. When I was five years old, I asked my mother to take me to the doctor to have my penis removed. I spent most of my life trying to cure myself of these feelings by playing the male role. If I could turn back time, I would have been the girl I am a long time ago. I'm very happy now living as the woman I was meant to be 24/7. You have a great life ahead of you as Connie. I'm envious of your youth and coming to terms with who you really are at your age. It will happen for you. 

[Vinter]

I also tend to select female characters in gemas, etc. I didn't think about it until recently. 

[Infatheline]

On 3/21/2019 at 8:14 PM, Jani said:

Hello Connie!  Yes this is like Pandora's box and it cannot be put back.  While we all seem to ask the question what if I'm wrong, it seems we seldom are.  Cis-gender people don't question their gender.  That said, you'll be fine.  As to altering your body, you should take some time with your counselor before initiating HRT to understand who you are, your motivations, and where you are most comfortable.  That is a good time to start.  Surgery is a long way off, if ever so don't stress about that.  Have you looked for a transgender support group in your area?  I found this group that might be of interest.  http://pridecentersa.org 

 

Please join in the talk here and ask your questions.  We'll do our best to address them.  Keep talking with your therapist.  

 

Jani

I haven't been to a support group... I haven't found the courage to do that, which is why I'm here. It's just that it seems like there's so many people nowadays that confuse their issues with gender dysphoria because it's such a big topic now. Like I have OCD, what if it's that? I was watching a podcast the other day of a person who'd been on testosterone for 16 years before realizing that they had made a mistake, and during their transition, they said that they never thought in a million years that they would regret it. It makes me feel like I'm damned if I do this, and I'm damned if I don't, because not doing anything about this now would break my heart later in life if I still felt the same way, but if I transition sooner rather than later, and it turns out to be a mistake, than I'll be devastated as well. I think that there are a lot more detransitioners than we think. I don't know, it just feels irresponsible of me to assume that I'm not wrong about being trans.

[Fish(i just want answers)]

Dear Connie, 

 

I feel exactly the way you do, so I truly understand the thought process you're going through. While it appears that you're definitely trans (Welcome to the Late Realizers Club, I guess?) , please be careful with hormones and surgery. I know how much it sucks to not be able to be yourself (I write to explain what it's like being Jackson, it kind of helps to get it in writing) but as you said, some of those changes are irreversible. It's probably a good idea to consult a doctor beforestarting your medical transition and making sure you're informed, because that's exactly what many detransitioners didn't do. I wish you all the luck and happiness in your transition and your life.?

[Infatheline]

On 3/27/2019 at 12:10 AM, Fish(i just want answers) said:

Dear Connie, 

 

I feel exactly the way you do, so I truly understand the thought process you're going through. While it appears that you're definitely trans (Welcome to the Late Realizers Club, I guess?) , please be careful with hormones and surgery. I know how much it sucks to not be able to be yourself (I write to explain what it's like being Jackson, it kind of helps to get it in writing) but as you said, some of those changes are irreversible. It's probably a good idea to consult a doctor beforestarting your medical transition and making sure you're informed, because that's exactly what many detransitioners didn't do. I wish you all the luck and happiness in your transition and your life.?

How late did you realize it? And what was the context of that realization? Like we’re you happy in our skin beforehand or were u still experiencing dysphoria, you just didn’t know it? I feel like I’m floating on a raft all by myself in the middle of the ocean because I feel like I have no one to relate to, that’s why I’m asking. Before I realized it there were only a few things that’s maybe pointed to me being transgender but for the most part I was fine. Tbh I never expected that Id find myself in this dilemma

[Fish(i just want answers)]

Honestly, I experienced little bits of dysphoria throughout my life, but I wasn't really distressed because a.) I was a delusional child who thought I was very masculine, and how could I feel bad about not being a boy if I basically felt I was one? and b.) once I realized (about 5-6 months ago, when I was 13, not quite as late as you but late nonetheless) the dysphoria increased a lot, partially because I realized that I had experienced this my whole life and the fact that I felt so alone. I never expected this either, and neither did most people around me. I was uncomfortable with myself as puberty started, although I couldn't put a finger on why. A lot of your story really relates to me, because for a long time, even though I didn't hate my genitals, I always wished I was intersex, even before I knew what the term meant. I always wanted to look like male celebrities rather than female ones. I understand your pain about not being able to be Connie, because that's how I feel about not being able to be Jackson. I get being nervous about HRT and surgeries even though you're certain you'd love the results. Even though I wore dresses as a child and even liked my long hair recently, I still feel like I'm trans. I worry all the time about being a trender. You're not alone, I understand what you're going through.

[ShawnaLeigh]

On 3/28/2019 at 11:01 PM, Infatheline said:

How late did you realize it? And what was the context of that realization? Like we’re you happy in our skin beforehand or were u still experiencing dysphoria, you just didn’t know it? I feel like I’m floating on a raft all by myself in the middle of the ocean because I feel like I have no one to relate to, that’s why I’m asking. Before I realized it there were only a few things that’s maybe pointed to me being transgender but for the most part I was fine. Tbh I never expected that Id find myself in this dilemma

I hope I am not speaking out of turn on this because I was one who knew something at a young age but chose to hide for over 40 years.  DONT DO THAT.  It can lead to dark thoughts and actions.  Eventually a mental break down.  You don't want one of those either.

I am guessing once you are talking to a therapist for a while you are going to have a ton of "AH HA!" moments where even the littlest thing will make sense to you that you never gave a thought to before.  This happened to me once I started talking things out with my GT.  I was so amazed at this as a flash of some obscure event, action or thought triggered and made sense as to why I thought or felt that way back then.  You are new to this and you have a ton of questions of yourself and your feelings that right now do not make sense at all.  I bet you if you stay here and read and ask you will find you are not alone at all.  I did when I first joined.  I was not broken or not alone in all this and it was freeing.

That was the biggest relief for me when I joined all confused and afraid.  I knew nothing and was so scared to ask anything but I did and I feel so much better now.

 

As to worrying about distant future regrets.  Don't do that to yourself.  So much can change in life in a week no less years from now.  The process can take years to complete and you don't have to do any of it or just some of it.  Your choice.  I'm guessing if you are going in for surgeries you are going to be pretty dang sure its what you have always wanted.

[Jackie C.]

39 minutes ago, ShawnaLeigh said:

I'm guessing if you are going in for surgeries you are going to be pretty dang sure its what you have always wanted.

 

Unless you're filthy rich, you're going to think about these anyway. You'll either have a long time to reconsider because of the wait time (Canada) or be looking and the price tag and thinking, "My new V costs as much as a car" (United States).

 

So yeah, slow and steady is the way to go. You want to feel the situation out and not take any sudden steps until you're absolutely sure. Especially with anything you can't take back (Bottom surgery, voice surgery, etc...). Take your time. Relax. Maybe experiment a little. There's no set time table here. Go at whatever pace makes you comfortable.

 

Hugs!