Beginning my transition journey

[Harrietta]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a really difficult time with my decision to transition (MTF). It's the social implications of being different, and the fear of losing friends, and some family members care and support. So far I have only told my aunty. I know my dad won't approve, and my mum is going to take it pretty badly, I imagine. I'm seeking counselling atm, and imagine I'll be in stage 2 in due time. 

I have gay friends, but haven't found much support from many of them on this issue I'm facing. I feel like I'm a bit lost, and need to connect with others who are transgender. I'm hoping to connect with members here who're able to relate to my situation. 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Harrietta,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

It is scary. You not alone anymore now. We are here! Join in the conversation.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf ??

[Harrietta]

Hi Timber Wolf,

Thankyou, I'm happy I've made it this far - as I was doubting myself and my decision to go through the transition process. 

 

I'm so glad to have found some support! 

 

Sending my love, and hugging you back,

? Harrietta

[Jani]

Hello Harrietta,  Welcome.  The social implications are difficult at first, its no lie.  But once you get comfortable in your own "skin" it gets easier.  You will find friends that support and care for you.  Hopefully you should be able to find others in Melbourne.  Unfortunately there are gay people that don't understand as this is a foreign concept to them too, as it is for cis people.  Parents are a totally different issue as we have a unique relationship and attachment to them.  But you have to live your life and if need be keep them at arm's length in order to protect yourself.  

 

Please join in the talk.  

Jani

[Harrietta]

Hi Jani,

Thank you for your welcoming. I visited the doctor today, and have another appointment tomorrow. It's for the counseling process(es). There may be more than two counselors involved because of my mental health issues. On the way to the doctors I came out to a female friend of mine who I thought wouldn't care to learn about my struggle. I was wrong. She offered her love and support as though nothing had changed. I am relieved to know she's there for me, and was delighted when she told me she would help me makeup, and my appearance options, although we live a long way from one another, so this isn't possible at the moment. My parents can be narcissistic in some extreme ways, and I'm prepared to distance myself from them, as I have done in the past, however I'd rather have them in my life in a meaningful way - at least my mother.

 

See you in the forums, Jani

Harrietta.  

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Harrietta.  I hope things work out for  you as far as far as finding a therapist.   Please feel free to ask any questions.  We'll be glad to help.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Harrietta]

Hi Carolyn Marie,

Thanks for the welcoming, HUGS back at ya! I've been using google for simple questions but I'll ask in the forums for sure on issues etc. 

 

Harrietta.

[Harrietta]

Hi everyone, 

I've come to a sort of realisation that I'm not genderqueer at all. I had some time with a friend of mine who heard me out on my issues with becoming a woman, and discovered through my own reasoning, that I only wish I were born female, and that becoming one at this time in my life isn't for me.

 

Although this issue is disheartening it also gives me some confidence in being myself. I don't dislike being male which I feel some level of dysphoria over when I think of what being a woman would have to offer, and all the while I'm most attracted to women - in fact my sexual activities with my male counterparts are usually driven by my desire to make them happy. TMI, lol.

 

I know I'm bi-romantic but this doesn't include sexual attraction, although in a way, I think it is to some extent. All these issues can be really confusing, and difficult to navigate for anyone who isn't able to label them (ie, doesn't have the vocabulary to put them into context), and so I'm more than happy to stick around and be a part of the community as an ally, if that's suitable. 

 

All the best to one and all,

Harrietta

[Beverly]

Hi Harrietta,

Just find what makes you happy and do that at all costs. Authenticity starts with a period of questioning and self discovery. Wherever this leads for you, at the end of the day, have no regrets.

Best wishes,

Beverly 

[Harrietta]

Thanks Beverly,

I'm not feeling disconnected with my authentic self (great advice, btw) I'm more feeling as though I'm unable to be completely myself. I feel sad that I'm not a woman, but also feel I couldn't really become one either, at least not to the extent I'd want to be. I need counselling, but can't get in to see them for another month. 

 

Feeling stiffled,

 

Harrietta

[Jani]

On 3/28/2019 at 10:21 PM, Harrietta said:

I need counselling, but can't get in to see them for another month. 

I know it seems like a long time but it will pass quickly.  Use the time to read and consider your future and what possibilities you might entertain going forward.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Harrietta]

Hi Jani, 

I managed to get in to see a private counselor yesterday, and I'm seeing him again next week. He's pretty good, and comes recommended by family who I'm living with. He wants me to weigh the pros and cons up during our week in leiu. I know he wants me to come to this sort of conclusion about whether transitioning is right for me, however I'm not sure whether a pros and cons list is really the sort of summary that's going to be useful, especially where emotions are involved, I'm not sure whether they're all similarly quantifiable in such an assessment. Thanks for your encouragement Jani,

Harrietta

[Jani]

Harrietta you might not come to a determination in a week.  The idea of talking to a therapist (IMO) is to engage in a conversation where questions are asked and through thoughtful discussion you arrive at a conclusion.  If you are someone who is questioning your gender, you will need to decide how "far you need to go" to satisfy the dysphoria.  For some it mean complete transition, and for others its dressing and maybe changing some mannerisms.  Once you get over the fear of change you will find this to be an easier decision.  Fear is a powerful motivator (or anti-motivator).  

 

I don't believe there is a "list" that you could access to review and check off items to arrive at a conclusion.  As you note when emotions are involved there are not any quantifiable data points.  This is a highly personal choice about your life. You just need to be honest and consider what you need to be happy.  But remember every path will have stones to trip over.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[Harrietta]

Thanks Jani,

Yes, I have some dysphoria and don't know how to deal with them. Also, I haven't made much progress with my pros and cons. Last night I got dressed up and tried out some nail polish with my then bf  -  we had a bit of a dispute this morning so we're 'taking a break,' something I wanted because of the way he spoke to me. It was a bit of a relief tbh, because I was finding that I was dysphoria about being with him. Lol. 

Thanks for confirming with me on the emotional side of this issue, and I'll keep you all posted on any progress I make. ie, at the moment, I'm thinking transitioning isn't right for me, as I'm not into guys as much as girls. A con I came to recognize is the way I might struggle to find other gay women, or basically not being passable enough to be with the good-looking girls I come across in my daily adventures.

I think things would be different, after the transition. Any thoughts?

 

Hugs, Harrietta

[Jani]

7 hours ago, Harrietta said:

as I'm not into guys as much as girls.

Just remember transitioning is about gender, not sexuality.  That is who you identify as, rather than who you love.  These are two differing concepts. 

 

If you are looking at building a future only with "good looking girls" you are not being honest about life.  We are all beautiful in our own ways.  Beauty is much more than skin deep so you need to try to be the best you can, and focus on finding a compatible mate (a complete person).  Now is not the time to worry about not being passable.  Changes happen that may surprise you.  

 

Jani 

 

[Harrietta]

Thank you Jani,

I'm also afraid of how my mother will take the news. I don't want to disappoint her either.

 

Best wishes,

Harrietta

[Jani]

Unfortunately this may happen as I am sure she has her notions of who you are and what you represent to her.   But if she loves you she will come to understand.  My mother was accepting of me yet nervous about my safety.  In the interim she's seen I do all right.  My dad struggles but thats to be understood at his age.  I go with the flow with him while maintaining my personality and persona.  All seems to be well.  You can do well too.

 

Peace, Jani 

[michelle_kitten]

I kinda like you, somewhere in the middle.

 

Welcome.  Glad to have you here.

[Harrietta]

Thanks Jani, and thanks for the welcoming michelle_kitten

 

Harrietta

[Makayla2019]

Hi Harrietta, welcome glad to see your fro. Melbourne, too. I am struggling with ups and downs like yourself. 

Happy to chat and share if that would help. 

Makayla.