Just saying hi!

[Milly101]

Ok...my ex husband was born Brian and is now known as Rachel (I found it extremely hard to come to terms with after 8 years of marriage) my eldest son is gay and was living with Matthew who is now a female. And my youngest is bi-curious. I’ve found it extremely difficult to come to terms with my 2 children deciding this way of life and they no longer get in contact with me. Mother’s Day no longer exists and I don’t know how to connect with them and I can not move forwards. Does anyone have any advice?

[SugarMagnolia]

Hi Milly,

Many parents have a hard time with this, you're not alone. It's good that you want to reconnect with your kids. Often when we feel that we've been rejected or not accepted for who we are we stop reaching out because it's too painful. 

If you truly want to connect with them, you'll need to do it on their terms. You need to understand that they didn't "decide" they way of life...this is who they are and how they were born. If you can truly come to terms with that, then reach out and tell them. Let them know that you miss them, that you love them, that you accept them unconditionally as they are and that you want to have a relationship with them.

If they're ready, they'll take you up on it. And if they're not, just be patient. Know that you can't change them, though, all you can do is love them as they are.

Best,
Julie

[Jani]

Hello Milly.  Welcome. 

 

On 4/2/2019 at 10:13 AM, Milly101 said:

I’ve found it extremely difficult to come to terms with my 2 children deciding this way of life and they no longer get in contact with me.

Your children did not decide to be the way they are.  Its who they are.  You are still their Mother and always will be.   You can love them unconditionally.    

 

Why do you think you can't move forward?  If it is due to your own beliefs, try to suspend them for a while to open up and see your children as the humans they are.  You may not understand what they are going through in their lives but you can be accepting and loving.   Reach out and say you want to start anew.  Keep your mind open and tell them to do the same.  It's a start. 

 

All my best to you.

Jani   

[illisson]

Hi there, Milly.

 

I think it's wonderful that you've taken the step of seeking out a knowledgeable community and asking for help regarding your response to and relationship with the trans, gay, and bi people in your life. The fact that you're here shows that you love them, and want to have a better relationship with them. Some parents and partners prefer to cut all ties rather than try to understand and support their LGBT+ kids/partners. It's always heartwarming to meet parents and partners who care enough to reach out to the community for help.

 

Julie and Jani already gave excellent replies; I agree with them completely.

 

I'll just add that you should check out the FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) website, specifically the articles under the "Resources" tab. They have information for parents with gay and transgender children, as well as recommended books you can read. You can also get personal support by contacting the organization. Their website says:

 

Quote

We know that each family situation is different so please get in touch with us if you want to talk through what is going on for you. Call or email us. Your call/email will be answered in confidence by a parent volunteer who has them self got a lesbian, gay or bisexual daughter of son. 

 

(They offer the same personal support for parents of transgender children, as well.)

 

You can also contact them to ask if they have a local support group in your area. I've heard great things about the PFLAG organization here in the States, which has local branches that offer regular meetings for family and friends who need support and advice. I'll keep my fingers crossed that the UK's FFLAG is as helpful.

 

And if FFLAG doesn't suit your personal needs, I would highly recommend that you seek out a counselor/therapist who specializes in (or at least has experience with) LGBT+ issues. LGBT+ therapists aren't just for LGBT+ patients; they're also there to help family members. That said, any good therapist would be an excellent resource for advice about your family's specific situation, and can help guide you through the rehabilitation of your relationships.

 

You are absolutely not alone, and there are people who have been in your position--and entire organizations of similar people--who can help you as you work on accepting the LGBT+ people in your life, and repairing your relationships with them. I hope you find the right person, people, or organization for your personal needs.

 

Illisson