Trauma, surgery and dysphoria

[Leonardo]

Hi guys, I'm 17 yo and have been living confortably with my identity since I came out to my friends and mother (even though she rejects me), but I'm finally planning on living with my older brother (who I'm still not prepared to come out yet, but has showed signals that he already knows and supports me) and start working as a comic artist next year. Which means I'm starting to think about taking part in contests, winning the most I can and saving money for my chest surgery (which is the most urgent, since it has grown quite a bit these past years and have been a real problem for me to pass normally), at least until I can try a japanese government scholarship. 

I really want to do it before going to college, since I don't know how things will be for me as a trans person in a scholarship of a kinda strict country such as Japan. But, now that I realized how close it is, I'm starting to feel scared.

My father used to abuse physically of my mother when I was really tiny, and I watched everything, until he stopped (even though I don't remember a thing). I think that's the reason why I was always hugely scared of getting hurt, violence, fights, arguements, etc. I really hate pain and fights. I'm starting to get over it, letting myself feel pain more frequently without thinking of it as death, but it's still really hard for me. 

Anyways, I realized that I think the most about how it'll hurt. I wanted to ask to my therapist about it, but he doesn't listen to me properly and will probably say non sense stuff, as always. And I really don't want to argue with him again. 

I'm also really worried that I might regret it later. My mother is always saying about how I will regret everything. And I'm not a really secure person, I rarely trust my own judgement. So, it's not rare to fear that I'll regret a decision. I'm also trying to imagine how it'll be once I get the chest surgery, if I could feel comfortable even during sex, but it's been difficult even to imagine it. I had lots of awful experiences as a transgender and I think it might influence that. Plus, I already tried imagining myself as a girl, being treated as a "she", but it really freaks me out. I really hate it.

I think I might just not be prepared, but I don't know, as I said, I don't trust my own judgement. I'm scared in the end my mother was right and I'm not really trans. Or that I will regret everything. Idk. Thanks for reading.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums Leonardo,  I hope you will not regret joining here in the long run

[Jani]

Hello Leonardo.  Thank you for sharing your story with us.  Best of luck with your family.  Please join in the talk here. 

 

Jani

[Leonardo]

Thank you, but... I still need help

[EliAtkins]

Unfortunately, no one can tell you how you should or shouldn't identify yourself.  It's the same with whether or not you will regret things.  You're going to regret decisions you made, things you did and things you didn't do.  It's just part of life.  Sometimes, it can help to look at the decision by considering which option you'll regret less, if you do at all.  Regrets are funny things and there really isn't a way to predict things.  One day you'll look back and either regret something or not.

 

Although, you say you need help, but you didn't really ask for anything specific in your initial post.  You seem to have a plan for what you're going to do over next several months or years.  Could you be more specific about what sort of guidance you're searching for?

[reyindium]

Well you don't sound like you like you're therapist very much. If he says "nonsense" and you feel as though he doesn't listen to you, maybe start with changing him. Transfer to someone else you connect with better. Your childhood stuff needs worked through as well as your gender identity. I'm sorry you and your mother experienced that abuse. As for the regrets @EliAtkins

 made excellent points about how life is always going to have those in some way...and you can't always predict them.

You say you're uncomfortable being treated as a girl. Have you experimented with how it be to be treated as a guy? Speaking like "Boku wa Leonardo desu" or asking friends to address you by a different honorific like Leonardo_kun...? Perhaps you're too old for the verbage I'm suggesting. I don't speak Japanese so I'm throwing out ideas from what I believe have masculine connotations?