Going round in circles

[Makayla2019]

It’s been a while since I last posted and largely due to me being back in normality to some degree. 

I have been seeing my new counsellor however but not sure it’s really helped or is helping. It feels like we are going round in circles or more correctly I am going round in circles. 

I am not sure if I am afraid to accept reality or am seeking something that is not real or am really making it all worse my analyaising everything so much. 

 

I seem to switch between I am trans to no this is just a mad sexual fetish / desire on a daily basis and even in the counselling session I flip between them. 

 

My homework this this week is to see how I feel with accepting I am trans. How does that make me feel. 

 

Just not sure how to measure it. 

 

If I am being honest it make me want to act femme dress femme be femme. 

 

Makayala

[Jani]

Hello Makayla.  Yes it can be maddening to be sure.  I might suggest thinking about how would you feel if you could live as you wish, as a female?  Forget the rest.  Just ask this question and address it honestly.  If you think going back a and forth between gender presentation is what you are comfortable with maybe you are androgynous and you need to explore this aspect of your life.  If you think living as a woman is exactly what I want then you need to get on a path to explore how you can do this.  Lastly if you say, no this is something I like to do to express another side or relieve stress then maybe you are a crossdresser.  There is no wrong answer here.  But you do need to be honest with yourself.  Worry about the "how" after you determine the "what".   Once you've made a commitment to one path then you can plan on how to achieve it.  If in the end you find it is too difficult or you overestimated your desire/need then step[ back and reevaluate.  Remember this is not a test and you can make all the decisions.  

 

All my best.  Cheers, Jani

 

[Makayla2019]

Thanks Jani. That’s a good question and one i am not sure I am certain of the answer. Or am afraid of what the answer is.  But It helps thinking of it like that. 

 

M

 

[Lexi C]

Wow Jani Thank you...I really needed to hear something like. Makayla...I am  in 4 months into my HRT and everyday I wake up I go through the same thing you do. I even told me doc to lessen my meds, because I am afraid that I am making a mistake. Everything is going so fast. I love to be a woman, I used to feel sexy when I dresses up.  When I was a CD I could have sex and orgasm. I miss getting an erection  but the HRT and the meds have made my sex drive a zero. Now I feel like maybe I  am making a horrible mistake and I will never find love or be normal either way...Good Luck and Thank You Jani,,,for your insight.Be Proud and Stay Strong alex

 

[Kirsten]

A good way to figure out which side of that spectrum you’re on is to remove the sex part and see if you get the relief without the orgasm or sex. If you get no relief without it you may be more towards the fetish or cd end. Which honestly is awesome! That’s so much less to have to handle. But if you do feel the same still, well maybe you’re more on the transition end of the spectrum. There’s no right or wrong. There’s just what’s best for you. 

[Raven1981]

I love what you have said @Kirsten  I can say for myself I know that I am a woman and I know that this is the right path for me.  Even though that I have started out thinking I was a CD cause I went to the wrong type of therapist when I was trying to figure myself out, I am so much more comfortable being a woman and being who I am.  This for myself is such a giant relief for me than sexual fetish.  With my dreams and thoughts that I have always had and felt and the fact on what I see in the mirror now vers when I was pretending to be male.  Just feels so right.  I am so much more comfortable and out going now that I am myself and being myself and knowing who I am.

 

 

[Makayla2019]

Thanks all. Alex your story does make me wary that I am making it something it isn’t. 

Must has definitely been less about sex andor orgasam but I still feel aroused at the thought of being trans. Even when I am talking to my counseller I am wet after. Is that a bad sign?

its my obsession with boots and leather that makes me worry so much. 

Yet when I see myself in femme mode it just feels right. 

I need to try dressing with no leather and boots perhaps see what that feels like. 

thanks all. 

 

[Makayla2019]

My counselling asked me to accept I am trans and see how that makes me feel. And I am not sure it makes me feel any different as I can’t be honest about it. I am in the closet and so it just seems to make it more frustrating

[michelle_kitten]

For me it comes down to this; is there a side of me I can live without?  I know the feminine side of me won't ever go away.  I've tried that.  It would be like someone handing me surgical instruments and saying, "Here, cut your arm off."  I couldn't just cut my arm off without heavy anesthesia.  I couldn't even start. Cutting out my feminine side would be too painful, and like a limb I would spend the rest of my days missing it.

 

The question for me is can I let go of the masculine side of me I've always lived?  Right now, I think I can, but I've never really been faced with sacrificing the guy side of me.  There are certainly parts of my male-ness (is that even word?), that disgust me, but it isn't all bad.  I think if I do decide to transition, I will still kinda mourn part of me dying or at least greatly diminishing.  I accept there is going to be a loss along with any gains.  I am going to put on my big girl panties and get through it.

 

I know I can't live in the middle.  I've tried that, gone through cycles of back and forth, embracing and purging my femininity.  That's too painful for me and leads no where.  The problem just gets worse each cycle.  I've got to go one way or the other.

 

This is all very complicated.  It got complicated the moment I was born with a brain and emotions working one way, and a body plumbed a different way.  There just isn't any easy way to resolve the conflict,  and certainly not one that doesn't involve pain.  For me it might involve some occasional embarrassment, some shame, and a whole mess of other emotions.  I've accepted that.

 

To go with what Jani said - Figure out who you are, right now.  Be aware that might evolve.  You certainly aren't mad.  You can't argue with the way you feel.  You can't invalidate it or make it go away by giving it the 'insanity' label.  You have to decide who you are and what you are going to do about it.  If you can't turn off how you feel, then you need to somehow integrate it into your life.  You're just a human being going through a struggle, and you're okay.  To be human is to struggle, and I find it it precious how each individual is unique in their own messes.

 

I work in the I.T. field.  I troubleshoot daily.  I troubleshoot the troubleshooters, who often fail to troubleshoot logically.  I am a huge believer in rational thought.  I spend my day testing and going where the testing leads me, not where I guess the problem might be, or the current emotional state of the customer.  I am often frustrated by the inability of others to do the same.  To me it seems simple.  At the same time I know the way I feel influences the way I think.  When it comes to the self, rational thought is very important, but it doesn't exist in a vacuum.  Rational thought has to include how you feel, and more importantly, who you are at the core.

 

I am certain there is a solution for you out there.  It may involve some discomfort.  Maybe the way to think about it is pain often brings about newness.  Child birth is painful, but brings new life.  Exercise is painful, but brings health.  When you find your right choice to be who you are, you will look back on it and maybe even cherish it a bit, because of the price you've paid for it.  If you are determined to find resolution and if you are honest with yourself, you're gonna be okay in the end.

 

If I can get through this, so can you.  You got this.  You go, girl! ?

[DeeDee]

Hi Makayla, it is good to hear from you again.

8 hours ago, Makayla2019 said:

My counselling asked me to accept I am trans and see how that makes me feel. And I am not sure it makes me feel any different as I can’t be honest about it. I am in the closet and so it just seems to make it more frustrating

 

This is a big ask, I think you recognise that the hard part is being honest with yourself - cut out all of the other elements, how do you feel if you tell yourself that it is okay to be transgender?

[Kirsten]

Makayla, try not dressing in those clothes for a while. Dress in basics. Clothes that you’d wear normally as a woman. Jeans shorts tees. Things like that. Try to just be “normal” and see if you get the same relief. Boots and leather can be fun if you like that stuff, but it’s not practical for day to day for most of us. It’s just plain clothes 99% of the time. That’s what you need to explore. Not the other stuff. Also the maintenance. The hair, the nails, the daily makeup, bras and panties, etc.... 

 

I will tell you I always thought the clothes were what gave me my relief. Then it stopped. I get relief not from wearing clothes makeup jewelry, but from not having to. That’s my relief. Standing naked in the mirror and seeing me. All that other stuff is great, but heck I wear manly looking clothes every day. And still have found my peace. 

Something to think about. 

[Jani]

On 4/6/2019 at 10:05 AM, michelle_kitten said:

I think if I do decide to transition, I will still kinda mourn part of me dying or at least greatly diminishing.  I accept there is going to be a loss along with any gains. 

I agree.  This is an important point to recognize that we do go through a period of loss that we need to reconcile.  The goal is to come out ahead.  

 

Jani

[Makayla2019]

@michelle_kitten thanks for such a meaningful message. I do wish I could just go girl. And as jani pointed out accepting there will be collateral damage along the way is very true. 

 

I am am going to try a period of no leather and focus on just me and see how that feels. As @DeeDee suggested try not to judge myself so much and accept its ok to feel this way. 

 

Talking on here helps heaps it. Not being able to talk openly is really getting more difficult. 

Thanks all for the support. 

m

[Makayla2019]

@Amy LeBlanc

just re-reading relplies for support and Amy your words resonate. There times when I look in the mirror and just feel wrong. Not really sure why. 

But if I look at myself when dressed it feels so good. If I have makeup and wig I can take pics of myself all night and the element of it being sexual is no longer the priority. 

Do you think that aligns with what you felt?

when I browse pics of me dressed. Even just head shots. No leather. I feel warmth. 

Hugs

M