A Question about Anger - I want to know your experiences

[michelle_kitten]

I'd like to know if this is a thing...?

 

I've been very angry most of my life.  The majority of my anger is invisible to others.  I am generally cheerful and fun.  I don't often lose my temper, but I am almost always angry in some way.

 

Some of my anger stems from a sort of double standard I lived under as a child.  I was never aloud to out my parents on anything they deemed private, and probably for good reason.  My parents, however, were never above outing me to my friends, teachers, and others.  I often felt very betrayed.

 

That aside, I wonder how much of my anger is from the feminine side of me being repressed for so very long.  I am a high-functioning depressive, and I wonder if my depression is related to my anger.

 

Have any of you experienced anger before transitioning which went down or went away after transitioning?

 

I know my experience will be very individual, and I fully intend to bring this up with my therapist, but I would like to know about the experiences of others.

[tracy_j]

With me, I don't think so in any major way, but when at work I had very poor relationships with some of my male co-workers. Things would often get into big arguments which had a nasty side, although luckily did not quite get violent. After I had come out to them, and although still nominally male, was able to openly express my female side with makeup etc, things changed somehow and my relationships with the same male co-workers became vastly improved. I think it was just my changed approach to things and frame of mind did not rub everyone up so negatively. I think depression can be related to anger as anger often comes from failure and failure is linked with depression.

 

Tracy

[Kirsten]

I spent the last 20+ years trying to get in fights. Trying to get my butt beat. Bounced at clubs for years so I could leagally fight. Start stuff with people driving and pull over to fight. Get in peoples faces for no reason except to fight. Friends and strangers alike. Always hoping to not walk away from the next fight. That was all I wanted.

So far, I don’t even really get in peoples faces. I don’t really do any of it anymore. It’s still there but I’m finally letting it all go. It’s made me much calmer. And less angry. And not wanting to die helps a lot too. 

[michelle_kitten]

Wow Kirsten. Hugs to you.

 

Violence is something I've never really  had a stomach for.  I've not been in a fight my entire adult life.  I've been close a couple of times, but it never came to blows.

 

As a kid, I got in a few fights, but it was weird.  If you pushed me to that point, or cornered me and forced me to fight, I was twice as angry.  I was upset about whatever the issue was, and upset someone made me try to hurt them.  I've never liked hurting others.

 

I did a couple of years each of Shotokan, and Aikido, but not to fight.  I did it for fitness and if necessary self defense.  I chose Aikido because it is a lot more about controlling another person and inflicting non-damaging pain rather just out right trying to injure someone.

 

I've certainly thought about killing myself over the years, at different times, but always in self harm ways.  I used to drive a country road to and from work, and often considered wrapping my car around a telephone pole or any number of other solid-ish objects on the route.  I remember asking myself if I could get up enough speed to make sure the crash would be fatal.

 

I am glad to hear you are doing better.  It is nice having you here.

[Astrid]

Hi, Michelle!

7 hours ago, michelle_kitten said:

That aside, I wonder how much of my anger is from the feminine side of me being repressed for so very long.  I am a high-functioning depressive, and I wonder if my depression is related to my anger.

 

Have any of you experienced anger before transitioning which went down or went away after transitioning?

 

Yes, that was very much the case for me.  After coming out, I didn't have nearly as much anger because I no longer had, well, I'll call it supression depression. My family actually said, without prompting, "You seem a lot less angry."   

 

I can cope with things a lot better now.  It's easier to feel genuinely happy.  

 

Good luck!

 

Astrid