About Confusion, Non Binary and probably Dysphoria

[D.Grey]

I don't know how to write this.

I feel confused about my gender.

 

In Italy there is not much talk about non-binaryness. In the people's mind Trans are just strange guys that want to be the "opposite sex" ("sex", because the word "gender" it's the same thing but is connecter to a bad mysterious "Gender Ideology". If you search it on RationalWiki you can understand a bit more the italian mentality). 

Because of this i didn't understand what really meant "transgender" until a few years ago. I thought "I'm female and it's ok, if i was born male it probably would have been the same thing, so i'm not transexual, i am?" or something like that. But i wasn't too sure about it, because i felt (and i feel) unconfortable when someone call me "girl", "woman" or something like that. Because i don't feel complitely like a girl. But i don't feel complitely like a boy. I feel like both and neither at the same time, often depands on the days, but never complitely one or the other.

It's confusing. I don't know if i am just confused or if i am "something".

 

In this period i pass ad a tomboy, a girl that simply hate makeup or something like that. I'm letting my hair grow because i don't thing the hair makes a gender, but i want to treat them like a "man with long hair".

I'm somewhat ok with body, but i hate it. I mean: I thing i was ok if i didn't have a body at all, because i feel it like a dead weight and waste of space. I don't know if this thing have something to do with Body Disphoria or not. Sometimes i want to have a binder and sometimes i dream about having both sexual organs, but it depands on the days.

 

Gender Therapists informed about nonbinaryness don't exist here. I don't really know what to do...

[VickySGV]

Toss the labels out with the trash is my first piece of advice.  You are not a label, you are a person who has your own preferences as far as your looks and how you act, and your own identity which you can become based on the  good things inside of you.  Your family is going to give you some resistance to how you look and act because they think others will shame them, which may or may not be true, but take it slow and easy and they will adjust to it, and so will the neighbors.  Using a label they know nothing about and treating them badly for not using it will cause trouble for all of you.  If your clothing is a little odd, but you are a friendly and helpful person, the friendly and helpful will be keys to acceptance over a fairly short time. 

[D.Grey]

I don't want to force anyone to use a label. I know i'm a person and the gender identity is just one thing. I am just very confused and frustrated for not knowing myself.

[john/jewlie]

hey D.grey

I know exactly what you are saying.

i was born male but never felt completely male or female, but some of both

[TommieAnne]

Also born male. Never quite could get it "right" like the shoe didn't fit.

As I start to view & accept myself as more female than male, I begin to feel that pigeonholing people into boxes/labels is perhaps more a male thing, or perhaps the result of trying to live as a male when the square peg won't fit in the round hole.

My therapist has said on several occasions that I might want to think less about labeling & trying fit into a category but instead to just find myself, letting things go where they will. So I picked a category here for instance - mtf, the one I believe applies most, but that may drift a bit.

I suspect that for myself, being very repressed for such a long time has made it difficult to find myself, understand myself or figure out just what I am. Time may clear things up.