Weird Thought

[Raven1981]

So I have been having thoughts on how I no longer have a family cause my mom flip flops back and forth and my dad is non-existent.  I am super happy to finally be myself and luving as me, but I am sad and lonely cause I am a big family person and my family does not accept me.  I want to be happy and live as me and continue to be, but I also want my family back.  Why cant I have myself be accepted and happy for who I am and have my family back?  

 

All I want is to live as myself and be happy with having my family rather than being that other person who I never knew and risk suicide.

[Kirsten]

We can’t choose what other people feel or believe. We only have control over ourselves. I feel your pain when it comes to family as you know. When my mom told me not to come around because she couldn’t look at me anymore I was devastated. But my happiness supersedes hers. So I left. I haven’t seen or talked to my family since November and I don’t see it changing ever. My kids are the ones that truly lost out though. They lose their uncles and grandparents because of me. 

But we have a great family now. It’s not your typical mom dad gram grandpa type of family, but it’s accepting loving caring and we stick together and love each other fully. And that’s way better than dealing with someone who hates me for being me. Everything happens for a reason.

As we all know, transition comes with loss. Some is  worse than others. But one thing seems definite. That we all lose people. 

[Raven1981]

Thanks @Kirsten.  I am happy, confident, comfortable, to be me and to be finally showing myself off.  I don't have to hide anymore.  But yes how have lost family and friends.  I am just a big family person and also someone who lives alone that is never married, no kids, and now no family.  But in the end, the loss is on my family for missing out getting to know the real me and not someone pretending.  I know now why suside is high amongst Trans.  But as I look at it, I am happy to be alive and as myself then be someone I am not and thinking about suside.

[Kirsten]

Remember this.... we all have 2 families. The one we are born into and the one that we create. And the one that we create is the one that really matters. Create your family. And love them. 

[Raven1981]

So been still having thoughts and close calls of just going into the kitchen and taking a knife and cutting my birth defect off.  I hate this thing so much.  It gets in the way.  And then when I am tucking which I usually do all the time, it manages to come loose cause it is so small now.  But to me it's like why do I have this thing on me that does not belong.  I just want it gone

 I had one close call where I was setting up a camera to watch while I cut it off.  How can I get rid of this thing sooner?

[VickySGV]

1 hour ago, Amy LeBlanc said:

  I just want it gone I had one close call where I was setting up a camera to watch while I cut it off. How can I get rid of this thing sooner?

 

Are you registered in Chat here?  If not. do register with chat and use the crisis call for one of the mods there when you feel like self harming.  You won't get rid of the feeling, but you will have someone to talk to faster than we can usually answer posts here or even PM's. 

 

Also try to think of the very good and real part it will play in vaginoplasty which is where you are headed.  Getting what you really want will be harder if you do self harm, and may even prevent you from getting GCS any time soon.  If you cut, unless you bleed out from it, they will re-attach it and not use it the best way.

[Raven1981]

Thank you @VickySGV.  I am registered.  I know the chat uses discord now, but I am registered.  I am trying to be patient and let the hormones work their magic on my body.  But one thing that I can say which does bring a smile on my face is the fact that I am on Dr. Marci Bowers wait list and I know her wait list is long and glad she takes my insurance.  At least she has my therapist letter, my deposit and the application form that I had to fill out.  Also I have found out that my therapist made a call to Dr. Marci Bowers as well and that my therapist knows her and talks to her alot cause when her patients cannot go to Dr. Meltizer or Ley, they go to Dr. Bowers so my therapist is on a first name basis and even calls as well.

[VickySGV]

I don't know if it is still up, but Marci has a time lapse video of the actual surgery on line.  She showed it at a conference we were both at (after my GCS) and it was easy to separate the serious from the curious with the "get out of here fast" folks seeing it.  If you can find it, it might give you some confidence though.

[Raven1981]

Just now, VickySGV said:

I don't know if it is still up, but Marci has a time lapse video of the actual surgery on line.  She showed it at a conference we were both at (after my GCS) and it was easy to separate the serious from the curious with the "get out of here fast" folks seeing it.  If you can find it, it might give you some confidence though.

Thank you Vicky.  I know I have been watching GCS videos on YouTube and I like how they do make the neo-vigina and I saw both how they make the zero depth and the one with the canal.  It has made me want the one with the canal, even though I know it means having to do the gross dialiting and doshing daily.  I know when I talked to Dr. Ley about GCS and she is expensive in general but even though I have had a half Orci. that where they did the incision from my cancer that I do have enough skin still