But am I a "real" boy tho?

[Mar]

Hi, I just joined the other day! This is going to be a little incoherent I think, so thank you in advance, and also my apologies, in advance.

 

In my introduction I mentioned that I'm somewhere between genderqueer and ftm, and that I'm still working on it. I think I keep saying that because I'm scared to "really" really come out. Which is silly, of course, because I already know I'm me, etc. I even had a moment a few weeks ago where I was so sure, I told my friends. I asked them to use he/him pronouns for me instead of they/them, which I have been using for a few years now. And then I immediately felt like a faker and a fraud. I didn't feel "trans enough". I don't pass at all except if you squint real hard. I felt like I was somehow "tricking" everyone and being a "special snowflake" and all that bs.

 

But also like. I know. I think I've known for a while. I think the agender/nonbinary/genderqueer phases I went through were all placeholders. I can pinpoint details and tells all the way back to when I was maybe four years old. I used to fantasize about a mad scientist kidnapping me to this dark green laboratory room and cutting away all the "wrong" parts of my body and making me into a boy. The boy was an imaginary "friend"... maybe more of an alter ego? He was a boy who suffered a lot, and he was 6 days older than me. He went through a lot of changes along with me as we grew up, but for basically my entire life he's kind of been a "mirror" me. When I dream, I am either him or he is me, or beside me. We are always together. He hasn't been as strong of a presence in my mind in recent years but he's still there. And I think because he's still a product of my mind and is my mental mannequin, so to speak, he is now ftm. And it's good and okay. I think this is because I've started coming to terms with my actual self a lot more actively over the past several years.

 

I've been in therapy for about two years now and have made a lot of progress in overcoming the literally unspeakable self-loathing I was carrying for my whole life. It was so bad I can't describe it in words... my brain refuses to process or go back to it. I can't make the words happen. 

 

Anyway, I stopped beating myself up, I stopped beating "him" up, and we grew closer together and now we're sort of "twinning" in our transition. He is ahead of me but only because I want to see what it's like I guess. He's doing okay. He's growing into a healthy and balanced person; he has good and bad days but he survives. He used to be able to change his physical form and he would change sex frequently. For a while he was female; it was around the same time I went through a phase of wearing a lot of dresses and feminine clothes and presenting as a woman. I guess I never really considered myself a "girl" or a "woman"... I performed those roles, because I understood that they were the ones assigned to me... but I was never committed to them, and they always felt awkward and forced. In the end that almost killed me. 

 

As I have grown up and become more of an adult and gotten more room to grow and explore my gender and my expression of it, I have gravitated towards masculine presentation. I wear almost exclusively masculine clothing. I cut my hair short. I wear a binder to make my awful giant chest smaller. I use masculine forms when I speak Russian at home. I have done that since I was a little kid. 

 

Anyway I'm like dragging my feet on this even though it's already as good as happened. I came out as "gay" officially a few months ago... even though my brother outed me years before anyway... and my mum's been cool about it and my dad hasn't really said anything about it at all. And I can't tell if this will be just another like "oh well thanks for mentioning it we already knew" deal, or if this is going to be the thing that finally breaks my family. And I'm so scared of what my family's reaction might be that it's literally consuming my every waking moment. My chest hurts endlessly from anxiety. I get dizzy thinking about it. I want to rip off the bandaid but I keep stalling and it's getting worse and worse and worse and it's because I'm afraid that they'll say those things to me about how I'm not really trans and I'm not really a boy and this is a phase and etc. etc. etc. I'm so scared of that?? 

 

tl;dr I feel like I'm faking even though I know I'm not, and I'm scared of hurting my family.

[Jani]

2 hours ago, Mar said:

I'm somewhere between genderqueer and ftm, and that I'm still working on it. I think I keep saying that because I'm scared to "really" really come out. Which is silly, of course, because I already know I'm me, etc.

Well of course you're frightened, not of your understanding of who you are, but of others reactions to this news.   People seem to have weird reactions sometimes to things that really don't affect their lives.  

 

When you are early in the journey it is easy to feel fake or not real because you are in that "in-between" stage of living in two genders.  It will pass.  You're not a snowflake. 

 

Don't beat yourself up or feel badly about yourself.  Each and every one of us has value and worth.  You certainly do!  Presenting as masculine while you explore is great.  There is nothing wrong with dressing as you wish and wearing your hair short.  Don't be concerned about dragging your feet.  Never go faster than your mind and spirit can handle.   

 

As to coming out as gay, that's fine.  It may be a stop along the way for you.  Your family's reaction will be what it will be.  Don't fret over things your cannot control.  If they love you (I'm sure they do) they will accept you, and hopefully come to a point of understanding you.  These are two different concepts and not all people get it.  

 

So repeat after me:  "I am not faking it."  "I am being true to myself and who I am; even if I don't fully know who that is yet."   When you feel down, repeat as often as needed! 

 

Hugs, Jani

[EliAtkins]

16 hours ago, Mar said:

In my introduction I mentioned that I'm somewhere between genderqueer and ftm, and that I'm still working on it. I think I keep saying that because I'm scared to "really" really come out.

 

I think the agender/nonbinary/genderqueer phases I went through were all placeholders.

 

What you're going through really resonates with me and my situation.  I find that I constantly need to tell myself that this journey I'm on is about me and no one else.  When you look at it in terms of getting to know yourself and expressing the person you are inside, then words like 'real' and 'fake' almost become meaningless because who you are can't be defined by anyone else.  I recently heard a good movie quote that I love regarding identity "who you are now is simply a matter of balancing who you were with who you want to be."

 

Go at whatever pace you're comfortable with.  I know it's never easy, but try not to stress yourself out about how others will react when you come out.  Their reactions show more about who they are than who you are.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Mar,

It is scary worrying about how others will react to us. But as we progress down this path, we gain confidence in who we are. As we start down this path, it's common to wonder if this is really real, are are we just fooling ourselves? These questions get answered in time as we grow more in understanding of ourselves. 

 

A lifetime of social pressure teaching us to conform often leads to fears that we may be faking it or confused. But to understand who we really are, we have to look inside, not outside. When this is something that we've been experiencing for years, we aren't faking it. We're not pretending. It's real!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf ??

[Mar]

@Jani @EliAtkins @Timber Wolf

 

Thank you so much for responding! I'm sorry I like, went off the deep-end with my post a little, hah ? I think I was working through things in a train of thought.

 

I appreciate what you've all pointed out about these feelings of "faking" being kind of a part of the process and the journey... I've been trying to do more reading and research and stuff to get a better grip on where I'm at, and a lot of what I've read has said the same, and it's nice to hear it corroborated. I feel like intellectually I know what's what about myself but my anxiety is still in the foreground banging pots and pans together like, shrieking bloody murder so ?‍♂️

 

This is something that takes time but it still feels like I'm somehow not doing enough, or not doing it right. Ugh. I don't know. 

 

Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate you taking out the time to read my ramble!

 

<3, 

M