Ups and Downs

[EliAtkins]

Not sure if this is even the right forum for something like this, but I just sort of need to ramble and get this out.

 

I feel like I haven't been around here much the past few weeks, largely because I've been feeling kind of down lately.  It started with a few nasty comments from a fellow person in the trans community.  They're an MtF and I get we're on different paths.  I don't know.  I asked the person to leave me alone and they have, but what they said seems to stick with me.  I don't even know why I care so much.  I don't mean to seem like I'm whining about this and I'm annoyed with myself that I'm so bothered by it.  I know that if I come out to others, that it will invite opportunities for a whole lot more negativity into my life.  I get that.  I just...  I don't even know anymore.

 

On top of that, I've been dealing with some fluctuating dysphoria.  I'm not even sure how to describe it half the time.  Some days I feel very much like a man, to the point where I have to constantly remind myself that other people still see me as a woman and while it's very jarring, it doesn't stress me out that much.  Other days I feel fine aside from the issues I have with my chest.  I'm not quite sure what to think about that.  I mean, I definitely feel like I have days where I feel like a man living in a woman's body, but when I don't?  Do other trans individuals feel that way?  Have I just somehow convinced myself that I can live my life with the body I have now?  I do tend to be someone that just accepts their lot in life without complaint (even when I probably should), but it really makes me wonder if I'm a fraud somehow since I don't have this 'do or die' mentality when it comes to the idea of transitioning.  I don't question the fact that I am trans, but this fluctuation makes me feel somehow less trans and I hate myself for falling into such ridiculous mental traps or other similar negative cognitions.

 

While overall the past few weeks the dysphoria has been better, I have noticed an increase in the types of things that trigger my dysphoria.  And I'm not saying that they're severe triggers or anything.  My voice in particular is one new trigger that sort of surprised me within the past few weeks.  I had a cold and was enjoying how nice and low my voice was.  Then for a day or two as I was getting better, my voice went much higher and hearing myself talk made me feel uncomfortable.  This was a first for me.  I am a musician and have been involved in church choir since I was little.  I remember always wishing I was able to sing either the tenor or bass parts, but never being able to.  Growing up I was always a soprano, but then I switched to singing alto a few years ago.  Now between my voice maturing (I'm mid-30's) and being pregnant, I actually could sing tenor if I wanted to since I can hit all the notes except the few lowest ones.  I have been asked to switch to singing soprano for a church service coming up next weekend (we're going to be down on sopranos and my vocal range is broad enough to handle it).  Since it bothered me when I was sick, every time I sing in the mid or high part of the alto range, I find it mildly triggering so the thought of singing soprano makes me feel really uncomfortable.  It frustrates me since I'm not ready to come out to everyone at church yet and because of that no one will understand why singing soprano makes me so uncomfortable.

 

I partly just feel frustrated with myself in general because all of these fluctuations make me continue to question myself and who I want to be.  I've considered whether I am genderfluid/agender/non-binary/androgynous, but when I research these particular labels/concepts or read stories/watch videos by people who identify with these labels, I feel certain that this is not me.  I do not feel like I resonate with the descriptions or feel the kinship I feel when I read stories or watch videos made by FtM individuals.  So while I feel like this raises a lot of questions for me as to where I'm going with this or if/when I might consider transitioning, I do feel like it's helped me confirm things in my head as far as who I am and who I am not.

 

Another plus, is that I finally got a haircut scheduled.  Come Tuesday afternoon, I will finally be able to chop off my hair (which is currently down past my shoulders) since it's been bothering me for quite a while now.  But yeah, that's what's been going on in my little corner of the world...

[killjoyaiden]

I have days where I'm just.. existing. Like, I'm not like "Oh, I'm a manly-man." I'm just.. a person. And that's how cisguys are. Some days, they feel really good and masculine, other days they're just humans. It's normal. Trust me. 

 

Always remember that gender expression is different than gender identity. You can have a masculine gender expression, but have a non-binary gender identity. It's all about exploring who you are and finding what works best.

 

Stay safe and stay alive,

Aiden

[EliAtkins]

Just now, killjoyaiden said:

You can have a masculine gender expression, but have a non-binary gender identity. It's all about exploring who you are and finding what works best.

 

Haha, if anything I feel like I might be the other way around.  I've been exploring the idea of a non-binary identity over the past few weeks and while I have nothing against the idea, when I try and think about myself that way I just feel this really big disconnect there.  I'm really glad I explored the possibility though as I feel pretty secure in my masculine identity after having done so.  Yeah, so for now I've got a masculine identity with a more androgynous expression, lol.

[killjoyaiden]

That's what I have lol.

[Ned]

I started my change when I started lifting and working out.  Making my body more masculine gave me a kind of peace about myself.

[EliAtkins]

I actually started lifting a couple months ago.  I'm still in the early steps of figuring out who I am and just processing.  I'm sort of undecided right now at the prospect of taking T.  Some days I think I'd like to and other days I'm not so sure.  I did just get a haircut and that makes me feel pretty good!

 

 

[Jani]

Lookin' good dude! 

[EliAtkins]

@Jani Thanks!

[GothicLucas]

I've had a few years to process my feelings and even though I still have a lot of doubts and uncertainties, overall I'm a lot more stable in my sense of identity now than I was four years ago. I definitely feel like a guy in a woman's body, but it feels like I'm ok with this? I know who I am, and I like my body--I care for it by eating organic food whenever possible, avoiding medicine as much as possible, etc--so why would I now decide to alter my body just so sexist people with strict ideals of gender see who I want them to see? 

I'm still considering both HRT and top surgery, but much less for "passing" reasons, and moreso for feeling comfortable and happy in my own skin. In the mean time, I'm close enough to making peace with the fact that I'm a "female man" as I like to put it, haha.

One huge difference between us is that I like being perceived as "both," I like being nonbinary or genderqueer. Keep exploring, keep pushing yourself, keep processing those feelings. The only one who can tell you who you really are inside is Time.