Toni's Tale

[ToniTone]

So. I met this really cute girl today (as it is pertinent to the context, I will mention she is also trans woman). I was at work for the last hour before close. She comes up the counter and asks for a pen, then comes back and gives me her phone number and social media account name. I've seen her downtown a couple times since this past summer, but I was always too shy to talk to her. 

 

I was so excited and giddy! I was blushing and 'uwu'ing about it to my co-workers. She's so cute, and she asked ME out! Eeeeeeeee..!!!

Mind you my gf and I, since she moved away unexpectedly, are indefinitely on break (we haven't spoke about it or anything yet). And we were (are?) consented to a casual poly relationship anyway... 

 

I'm kinda nervous, and don't really know if it'd work out though. She is like 25 (I'm 33), that's a wee too young for me, I really prefer people my age. I've never been with anyone more than a year younger than me. Also, she has a boyfriend, they're in an open relationship.

 

I'm just meeting her and not rushing into anything just yet. I'm scared the things in the last paragraph might break the whole thing. And being single is so much easier. But I dunno. It all seems so new and exciting to me too! Maybe jumping out of the parameters of my comfort zone for once might be good for me for a change. 

 

I've been feeling lonely lately too. I feel like its harder for trans women like us to find love... 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

Love interest triangle roulette!

So my trans sister gf moved unexpectedly out of town, implying we are on indefinite break. I miss her, but meh what can I do? Maybe she'll come back...

 

The girl I just met (mentioned in the previous post) and I haven't talked since the night we met. Which is fine. I'm being cautious and apprehensive, not wanting to make any moves there just yet. We'll see what happens... 

 

But my good friend and bandmate (who we had a falling out with last winter (near the beginning of this thread)) and I have been talking a lot again! Maybe she missed me, or her seeing my fem side come out has reinterested her. 

 

I'm so excited! If not for the possibilities, then just to have my friend back. I always did feel kinda squishy for her... ?

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

Happy holidays everyone! Well, it's been pretty mellow for me, but also... I dunno bitersweet, I guess. I'll explain later, like tomorrow maybe, I don't feel like getting into it right now. I just dread holidays and look forward to everything going back to normal tomorrow. Sigh... 

 

I just read a short story in another thread in General (called "The Playground"), and it reminded me of a meme of sorts I've been wanting to share with y'all. I try not to bring memes and social media images here, but this one is so wholesome, and like if I could only share one... I posted this when I first came out public (on fb), thought it was a great way to introduce Toni to the world. Enjoy! ~Toni

 

[Lexi C]

H.H TT

 

[ToniTone]

Ok so last month I falsely announced being on hrt for 8 months, it was actually 7. 

 

So NOW I've been on hrt for 8 months (lol)! 8 months, 2/3rd of a year, it's been that long already wow... 

 

My breasts are little bigger than last month, but totally recognizable as female, even in slightly looser or darker shirts. Definitely noticeable in light, tighter shirts. They're getting hard to conceal, not that I really want to, lol! I got some sports bras. They're cute and comfortable enough, but I still haven't really worn them much. I just barely fill the a cup, and don't really necessitate the need yet. I dunno, maybe I just wanna let the girls be free a little while longer, lol! 

 

And they're still tender and sore, still growing more sore by the day! Even just grazing them gently with my arm is irritating. It's still bearable, and very validating. One of the things I miss about being a guy (besides pockets) is sleeping on my stomach. They're too sensitive for that now (and it's probably more conducive to growth to not lay on them). But I make do with sleeping on my side, which is my preferred sleep position anyway. 

 

I also caught a picture a friend took of my backside. I have a butt now!! Perky and round! Lol! I always wanted one of those... I don't get misgendered as much either. It still happens, but it's becoming less frequent.

 

A big thing I've noticed lately is how much more emotional I am. As a guy I was quite bitter, never happy. At best I was numb and apathetic, but usually I was enraged most any time... But now I'm alternately happy and giddy, or really subdued and melancholy. Little things affect me more, and I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of crying. The hormones really enhance emotions! 

 

I will say this though, I'm a lot more calm than I used to be. When something upsets me, I get more sad or distressed than I do angry. And other than maybe fighting off some tears, I'm less reactive than I used to be. 

 

I feel like every day I'm changing more and more truly into the woman I was meant to be... 

 

~Toni ?

[ToniTone]

Correction: I was right. Last month was 8 months. Today marks 9 months on hrt! 3/4 a year, amazing!

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, ToniTone said:

A big thing I've noticed lately is how much more emotional I am. As a guy I was quite bitter, never happy. At best I was numb and apathetic, but usually I was enraged most any time... But now I'm alternately happy and giddy, or really subdued and melancholy. Little things affect me more, and I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of crying. The hormones really enhance emotions! 

 

I will say this though, I'm a lot more calm than I used to be. When something upsets me, I get more sad or distressed than I do angry. And other than maybe fighting off some tears, I'm less reactive than I used to be. 

 

This is easily my favorite benefit. My emotional spectrum is so much wider and more vibrant than it used to be. It's also made me a much sweeter and more considerate person. That part's nice too: Boy-me is kind of an -censored-.

 

It's probably good that I enjoy the emotional changes so much. I got jack-all for the rest of them. At (about, I'm a couple weeks shy yet) eighteen months I barely fill an a-cup, I have NO butt and I've got hips like a snake. Then again, I was a late bloomer for puberty v1.0. This version probably won't be any faster.

 

I can totally still sleep on my stomach though, I just have to put both arms under the pillow so my back is arched. It takes the pressure off and feels like a nice stretch.

 

I'm actually going off HRT starting next week for six weeks. I'm terrified I'll go back to boy me... or turn into a werewolf... something bad for sure.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

I'm definitely sweeter too. I wish my hips would hurry up and fill in more though ToT

 

Going off for your surgery, right? I'm sure you'll be fine hun. Congratulations, and may it go smoothly and seamlessly ?

 

~Toni

[Jackie C.]

42 minutes ago, ToniTone said:

Going off for your surgery, right? I'm sure you'll be fine hun. Congratulations, and may it go smoothly and seamlessly ?

 

There'd BETTER be a seam. That's what I'm paying for anyway. ?

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

Lol! ?

[TommieAnne]

45 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

 

There'd BETTER be a seam. That's what I'm paying for anyway. ?

 

Hugs!

Then you better hope they don't use big zigzag stitching!

Lol!

[Tariane90]

Do any of you ever get the passive agressive attitude from men, as if your very existence is an insult to their manhood? Like seriously, how is my like affecting you in anyway as stranger get out of here with that nonsense

[ToniTone]

All my guy friends, the ones I choose to have in my life, are pretty sweet and accepting. 

 

About half the guys I see in public, such as customers at my work, can seem pretty passive aggressive though. All I can say is they're either ignorant, bigoted, or they're mysoginists. 

 

Alot of cis people in general have a hard time engaging in any dialogue with trans women. I can barely get a hello out of most people. It's sad really... 

 

~Toni

[Jackie C.]

Really? I wonder if that's a regional thing. I've found most people to be quite accepting and friendly. I've made quite a few new friends since I've started transitioning and people tend to respond to me positively in public.

 

Some of it could be the customer/cashier dynamic. I find that guys in general are worse about treating a woman that's trying to serve them poorly. Not that there aren't bad women too. It's just guys are generally worse where as a bad woman is really, really bad.

 

On the other hand, I could just be oblivious. Or it's the fox hat. It's hard for people to be mean to you when you're wearing fox ears.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

So, twice now I've been intentionally misgendered by "customers" at work because I (politely) told them I couldn't give them what they wanted or give them something for free. The response by my co-workers amazed me. 

 

The first incident was a few weeks ago. A girl in a ski mask asked if I could get her a free mocha. I told her I'm sorry I can't do that. My supervisor came next to me and asked her what seems to be the problem. She said "Sh-HE won't give me a free mocha!" Obviously she knew my pronouns or saw my pin, and deliberately emphasized the HE to spite me. My supervisor told her sorry we can't give free drinks here. So she stormed off.

 

Both my supervisor and co-worker said sorry that happened and said "Wow, what a *****..!" I love the comradery... 

 

And then tonight, a guy (non customer) asked if he could use the restroom right before close. We close and clean our restrooms before close because it takes a while to clean and we're busy with other preps after close. So, I told I'm sorry it's closed. He says to my co-worker "He won't let me use the restroom" She corrects him. My boss walks up and he says to him "He won't let me use the restroom", and my co-worker corrects him again, louder this time. My boss also corrects him. He then says more emphatically "I don't get it, I ask HIM if I can use the restroom, HE says-". My boss cuts him off and says "Sir, you have to leave my store, NOW! Get out!" He gets upset, my boss walks around the counter up to him and says "No, leave, now! You deliberately disrespected one of my employee and I can't have that! Get out, now!' And he goes. I'm kinda paraphrasing how the exchange went but you get the jist of it... 

 

Then my boss asked my to come to the office with him. Asked if I was ok and how I felt about what happened. I felt a mix of things: I felt like he didn't have to do that for me (humbled I guess, but he insisted he did). I felt a bit bummed because I'm yet again misgendered of course...

 

But mostly I was pleasantly amazed and grateful I have such caring co-workers! I love my job at Starbucks! Without trying to sound like I'm plugging it, I must say it's an amazing, supportive company to work for, notably for transgender people... ?

 

~Toni

[Jackie C.]

That is fantastic! Kudos to all your co-workers for being supportive!

 

Also, and I'm sure you know this already, some customers are just <censored>. They'll do WHATEVER they can to hurt you because the "counter monkey isn't giving me free stuff!" You have to wonder how miserable your life has to be before you think it's a good idea to walk up to a total stranger and smear <censored> on them.

 

Oh my, a little saltier than intended. People who disrespect other people like that cheese me off. I grew up in a very affluent community, so when I went shopping, I was angry a lot. Personally, I try to be the best customer I can be and apologize if I do something out of bounds by mistake. Tragically I don't live in Minneapolis. Or drink coffee.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

I love how you put things! Did you put the brackets about the censored words or were you counting on the system to do that? Lol. We have other foods and beverages ya know... 

 

I hear you, I've always tried to be respectful to people, notably those working in food service. They work hard (while not as physically involved as construction, it can be fast paced and equally mentally draining), live pay check to pay check, and are at the whims of their customers all day. 

 

I think I brought this up before, but I'm thinking about changing my identity label back to transfem-androgyny, with primarily she/her pronouns. I want to transition as much as I am capable. But I feel like as much as I get misgendered, I don't come off as a woman. It kinda hurts now getting misgendered. Maybe I don't deserve to be a woman... 

 

But then again, despite this recent incident, I have been getting gendered properly alot more. She/her pronouns feel right to me. I don't think changing my label would make me any happier either. Whether I'm a transfem-androgyny or a trans woman, these labels are just words to describe pne facet of who we are to others. The true nature of our internal understanding of identity is wordless and happens within... 

 

~Toni

[ShawnaLeigh]

I am sorry to hear of your two incidents at work but OMG how amazing it is to have a boss and coworker not only accept your transition but stand up for you to others!  I was so blown away about that.  I guess coming from, and still living in, a mans world I have never had anyone stand up for me over anything.  Accept once where my wife told my mother off for telling me I was dead to her.  I felt amazing for her doing that for me and I can only imagine you did as well.

 

As for being mis-gendered, honey I have yet to be gendered correctly and I am not all that bad at presenting female on the phone or otherwise.  I think people just think I am gay.  I'm not sure because everyone in my area are pretty respectful and careful to not say the wrong things.  Especially in the University or hospital setting.  I will say I have more women (nurses and doctors) talking to me out of the blue then I have had them do before.  I guess I am not a treat any more.  LOL

Little do they know I am lesbian inside.  Heheheh

[ToniTone]

It seems it takes some time transitioning before people start to see the woman. Early on when I was out I kind of just accepted and expected I would be misgendered. But now that I'm growing breasts, I feel a little more sensitive about. It might be the hormones making me super extra emotiinal too... ?

 

~Toni

[ShawnaLeigh]

1 hour ago, ToniTone said:

But now that I'm growing breasts, I feel a little more sensitive about. It might be the hormones making me super extra emotiinal too... ?

OOOO yes I can relate.  Though I have not been on HRT for a long time now but my chest is so sore right now.  I even think of touching them wrong and I pay for it.  The girls are b-itchy right now.  So I understand once you start having physical changes and getting mis-gendered is probably not a good experience at all.  (I wouldn't know as I have not been gendered correctly yet)

As for emotions.  Yep me too.  Super duper emotional lately.  Everything sets me off.

I cry so much now I am getting dehydrated.

 

 

[ToniTone]

Ugh I'm having a difficult time with this, I'm not really sure I want to post it here in my journal thread, or at all for that matter. But it's bugging me and I need to pick your brains about it. 

 

So it was my aunt's birthday, and I wished her a "happy birthday" on fb. Then she said thank you and my deadname. Here's a screencap of the exchange...

 

After correcting her, then her insisting I'm still Ant (pet name of sorts for Anthony), I just froze up. I don't want to have this exchange right now, and I'm not really sure what it means. My aunt has always been pretty sweet. But she is kinda "traditional Christian" in her values. I've lost some spiteful people, family and acquaintances, for coming out. All the ones I kept have been accepting. But this may kinda hurt, I always loved my aunt... ?

 

~Toni

[Jackie C.]

She probably means well. She's definitely in the wrong, but she probably thinks she's being sweet and remembering her "dear little nephew." I'd guess she doesn't understand that hearing your old name is a little like getting punched in the gut.

 

Give yourself a little time to cool off. When you have a chance, take her aside, alone and face to face then have a heart to heart. No shouting, no arguing, just a calm, "Auntie, I love you, but it hurts me when you call me Anthony or Ant. Those aren't pleasant memories for me. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but please call me Toni from now on, OK?" You can cry here if you have to. It's perfectly OK to cry if someone hurts you, even if they didn't mean it. Then go on to have a pleasant lunch or something. I have no earthly idea what you do with your Auntie. I haven't seen either of mine in years.

 

Hugs!

[ToniTone]

We don't live close, so I don't see her in person much. But I get what you're saying. 

 

I figure she didn't mean wrong by it. But some subtlety about the way she worded it and some context: she knew me as Anthony as kid, but I changed it to Tony like 21 years ago, and then Toni last year. I've never been referred to as Ant by anyone ever. And then her wording sounds absolute, like "but, you're Ant to me", not like "you'll always be my little Anty". It could be she doesnt accept my name is Toni and that I'm transgender. I dunno. She was shocked when I came out, but we stayed friends on fb. Anyway, I'm just gonna let it go for now... 

 

Btw, Toni Tonicide is my name on Facebook, if any of y'all wanna look me up and friend me on there ☺

 

~Toni

[Belle]

On 12/25/2019 at 8:13 PM, ToniTone said:

 

I hadn't been following this thread before now. Thank you Toni for sharing your story with us as you go! And this image is amazing!! I want to make a poster of it and hang it on my bedroom wall! (If my wife wouldn't tear it down). I need to see this every day when I get down.

 

And I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. She clearly cares for you, but is incapable of understanding.

[ToniTone]

Thank you hun ?