Correcting Pronouns

[DrumbeatAlex]

Hi,

 

so I recently came out on facebook (and thus to my family) but there's still some issues with misgendering and I don't know how I should approach it.

Basically, my siblings are accepting and I know they are trying to adjust to using the right pronouns so that's good. However, they've still misgendered me a few times and I wasn't sure what I should do in that situation. I know they are willing to use the correct pronouns but they didn't correct themselves, so do I point it out? If it's in front of strangers do I do it then or have a private word with my sibling later about it?

 

Also, my dad (and possibly mum) are less accepting and I haven't really talked to them about all the gender stuff much, but I know that they know my preferred pronouns. My dad misgendered me multiple times today and I don't know how I should approach that issue either..I don't want to start a fight or have to argue with him about gender but I also want my preferred pronouns to get used. ? Then there's still the question of do i correct him when it occurs (immediately) or do i talk to him privately about it later?

 

What have you found works well with this type of thing? I know there's is an adjustment period but when they don't correct themselves i feel like they haven't even noticed the misgendering.

Maybe the place to start is to sit down with him and come out to him one on one, to make sure 100% that he knows my preferences and can ask questions if he has any? Idk.

Any ideas would be great.  

 

Cheers  

[Naomi Knowles]

Much like with gender transition, there is a certain period of transition for those around you to get used to addressing you in a different way to what they are familiar with; took a while for my boss to get the hang of it, but I let him handle the course correction there and he came round to it without thinking later.

 

Getting pronouns right sooner rather than later sounds like a big deal for you, and I feel correcting people is all in the delivery. It's important to you, and how you go about sorting it depends largely on the personality in front of you: a quick smile and similarly quick correction in private shortly afterwards is usually a safe route. I've observed people can get defensive if they feel imposed upon or corrected in public in front of people, especially if they're noodling it through themselves.

 

Hope this helps ?

[tracy_j]

One thing I rely on a little is that, in time, it will become embarrasing for someone to use my birth gender in many situations as I am obviously different. For example - In the supermarket, while on my weekly shop, I am usually wearing a dress or skirt. My experience tells me it is embarrasing for staff to use anything but correct pronouns. They sometimes get it wrong, but usually not twice. I must admit I am very old fashioned and follow old etiquette in that a lady does not need to make a scene / is always composed (well that's the theory lol).

 

Things take time but, after an extended period, you will get there. The thing is to live together. You are who you are and, although it is frustrating, pushing too hard will not help.

 

Tracy

[Carolyn Marie]

I agree with the above advice, Alex.  It does take time, especially with people who have known you all their lives, or have worked with you for a long time.  Most people are diligent about it, or correct themselves if they goof up.  Some folks struggle with the change.  I had one co-worker who just could not seem to get it right, and I know from his reaction that he was embarrassed as hell when he misgendered me, but could not stop himself.   I did not beat him up about it, as he was doing a pretty good job of beating himself up.  ?  I actually felt embarrassed for him, as he often did this in meetings with others.

 

If you sense that it isn't malicious, I would try to let it pass, or talk to them gently in private to explain the importance to you of getting the pronouns correct.  If you think the person IS being malicious or cruel, I would have a much more serious and pointed talk to them. 

 

Almost everyone should be OK after a while.  For those who choose not to get with the program, you have options, including excluding them from your life if need be.

 

Carolyn Marie

[ChickenLittle]

I don't have suggestions, but I can commiserate! Figuring out when and how to correct people has been a constant struggle for me. Also, congrats on coming out! 

[GothicLucas]

I haven't done this because I'm too chicken to even ask for my preferred pronouns, but I think a quick and friendly "he" "she" etc. in response to what was said would be sufficient enough to remind them, but subtle enough to not make it a big issue requiring another talk. Example:

Person A: "Thanks for cooking dinner, Luca!"
Person B: "She really outdid herself this time!"
Me: "They, but thanks for the compliment! I'm happy you all like it so much!"

Person A: "Your mom got kind of lazy when she did the dishes, didn't she?"
Me: "They."

Sometimes I will jokingly say "I'm a 'they'" when I introduce myself to get the word across but not go into educating people about nonbinary or transgender people. Maybe you could also do something like that to remind your family.

If strangers are present and you don't feel safe correcting anyone in front of them, then it's probably better to take them aside and remind them, "Hey, next time remember to call me 'she,' ok?" Nip this in the bud now, before they get used to thinking your pronouns aren't a big deal to you and they feel comfortable slipping up without correcting themselves.

[DrumbeatAlex]

Thanks for the responses everyone. you all make good points.  

 

I think what most of you're saying it logical- just a quick, kind correction might be the best way to go in most cases and maybe having a deeper talk about pronouns with people who don't understand the importance.

 

On 4/20/2019 at 11:15 PM, Naomi Knowles said:

I've observed people can get defensive if they feel imposed upon or corrected in public in front of people, especially if they're noodling it through themselves.

Thanks Naomi, it does help. and you're right, I must be careful not to offend/embarrass people in front of strangers (especially if they are trying to get it right).

 

Unfortunately Tracy my pronouns are "they/them" so its really hard to signal that to people through clothing or anything. ? 

On 4/24/2019 at 10:18 AM, ChickenLittle said:

 Also, congrats on coming out! 

Thanks! it felt like a big step, but after a bit of a rollercoaster, i'm really glad i did.  
 

18 hours ago, GothicLucas said:

Nip this in the bud now, before they get used to thinking your pronouns aren't a big deal to you and they feel comfortable slipping up without correcting themselves.

That's exactly what I'm worried about. ? I think you're right and i need to start setting the standard so that things do actually change. ? 

[DrumbeatAlex]

On 4/21/2019 at 4:41 AM, tracy_j said:

You are who you are and, although it is frustrating, pushing too hard will not help.

 

but yes, you're right Tracy. I dont think pushing too hard will do anything but start a fight and create resentment. ? It's a careful balance!