I'm making changes, but I'm still confused?

[Caden]

I have recently come out to my friends as questioning/non-binary. I started with having them use they/them pronouns and it feels way better than she/her. I have started using Caden as my new name and I love it. I have also cut my hair and begun dressing more masculine as well as starting to bind. I am incredibly happy with these changes, but I have no idea what to call myself. I have been using gender-neutral identities and language, but I'm not sure that fits. I am struggling to figure out if I am male or non-binary or something else completely. I feel like I'm making changes very quickly, but I also feel like it's coming too late. 

 

I have hated being female for my entire life. I always hated being called a little girl when I was young, and as soon as puberty started I started to hate my body. I used to hope that my chest would just disappear when I was young. When I was in high school I used to make jokes about hating my feminine characteristics and wanting to be physically gender less. I did this because I thought it was normal to feel so disconnected with my body. Then my best friend came out as FtM. I stopped talking about my gender issues because I felt like it was rude to my friend who was identifying as a man. I didn't even consider that I might be trans. I just thought I was uncomfortable and sad, so I started trying to like girly things. 

 

I started to know that I was not female and think about my gender identity about a year and a half ago, but it was all abstract and I didn't tell anyone until 2 months ago. I have been learning more about who I am with every change that I make, and so far I don't want to turn back, but I don't know how far I should go socially. I'm worried that if I try out he/him pronouns and then revert to they/them I will have crossed a line, or disrespected my friend's identity.

 

I already know that I will get top surgery in the future. I had made that decision as soon as I knew that was a thing I could do, and years before I ever questioned my gender. I have seriously considered getting hormones as well, but I still don't know if I'm "Enough of a man" to do these things. Is it weird to know what I need to change about my body, but not know if I am a man? I'm just struggling to find a label that fits me. I don't know what I can do. I have been overthinking this for way too long and I need to find a different angle or a next step I can take to really find out who I am. 

[VickySGV]

One thing I can assure you of is that it is not disrespectful of your friend for you to come out and begin any transition you need to do.  That is one thing about Trans people is that we can relate to each other's Dysphoria even though it is not the same in any two of us in many details.  If  your friend is living his authentic life with as much honor and dignity as possible he will be overjoyed to know that he had a good effect on you.  Even if you pull back a bit into NB it is still your authentic life although his life is male.  Get my picture??  

 

Welcome to the Forums you are in a good place here.

[EliAtkins]

I definitely agree with Vicky here.  This is your journey and while I get not wanting to do anything to disrespect your friend, you still need to follow the path that's right for you.  Maybe it would be good to have an open conversation with your best friend about the fact that you're questioning and that he has played a role in helping you to consider things.  Even if you decide the non-binary identity resonates more with you, going through this together may end up bringing you and him closer.

 

As for the rest of it, no one else can tell you what you are or are not.  That is something that only you can decide so there is never a reason for you to feel like you have to be 'enough' of anything.  Do not worry so much over labels as they can be limiting.  Just focus on figuring out what makes you comfortable with who you are.  Even if you decide to transition, there's nothing that says your transition has to look a certain way.  You don't have to transition.  You don't have to identify as an FtM to get chest surgery or take testosterone.  I've heard of some that identify as non-binary, but get surgery and take testosterone for a year or two to keep from getting misgendered.

 

It is also not weird for you to know what you need in some ways, but not others.  That is all part of the journey.  Some know right away who they are and what they need while others need more time to figure things out.  I'm actually more like you in that I've always known that I need chest surgery, but not much else.  I do have a masculine identity, but for the time being I'm working toward a more androgynous appearance and I'm fine with that.

[GothicLucas]

It's not weird at all. Things are changing in such a way that you can get top surgery or start T without identifying as strictly a man. These things are accessible now because people just like you fought for them, so you're not the only one! Do what you need to do to feel comfortable in your body, and the label or identity will follow.

You said you want to find a next step to figure out who you really are. What are some things you could do to explore an identity as either a man or nonbinary, but are reversible? Could you roleplay as a man in an online game? Could you change the way you dress for a few days, or ask supportive friends to use male pronouns? Could you use FaceApp to give yourself a full beard or use a pitch bender to alter a recording of your voice? I don't know if this is what you're looking for, just offering suggestions!